Just wanted to issue an update, in case anyone is interested or needs some motivation to work on this in their own recovery. I've been working on the exercise challenges for about a month now, long enough make a serious dent in my energy balance and potentially add some pounds.
And.....nada. Weight is essentially unchanged, even after a couple of weeks of full compliance. So, add my anecdote to the list. I had one or two days of higher weights that freaked me out, but it was really just water weight and my weight would come back down and be stable at the baseline for many days in a row after that. I know that I am indeed SUPPOSED to be gaining weight, please don't read this as celebrating non-progress in that arena. Just wanted to share my experience that cutting back on the workouts did not make my weight balloon out of control, which is, I think, what many people fear.
On a slightly less positive note, this has not only been not a full compliance week, but an almost no compliance week. I stressed out about Valentine's day over the weekend and didn't want to reduce exercise before that (even though I knew that cutting back wasn't affecting my weight!), and I've been down about a few other things since then...so it's not that I'm struggling and haven't been able to do it, it's that I simply haven't cared enough to try, to be completely honest with you. There is a difference.
In all previous years, February has been my bottom-out month. I don't know what it is about this circannual cycle of mine. Partly weather, I'm sure, partly some significant dates this month, partly other things too. I have indeed felt the blues, apathy, and ambivalence creeping in, but trying hard to be conscious about keeping it at bay.
I've got a therapy appointment next week and plan to get back on the horse with the challenges. Even though I've been back to more pre-challenge patterns this week, it doesn't feel the same. After a month of cutting back and realizing how much extra time it gives me, I am increasingly resentful and frustrated with myself for the time wasted on essentially pointless activity. It's like I got a peek over the fence and realized for the first time how much greener the grass is over there.
So, in summary, the exercise experiment, although not great over the past week, is turning out to be not quite as traumatic as I anticipated. For anyone out there struggling with the same issue, please take heart that giving up the routine does not mean giving up control, it means taking it back!
8 comments:
I fully agree with you -- giving up routines does not mean giving up control, but taking it back. When I stopped my exercise routine, I felt liberated, finally. Now, I choose to do yoga or walk, but I don't have the same obligation or routine about it. It's much more enjoyable. And I realize that I don't have to be so strict and calculating. My body is pretty smart and it will do what it needs to do. When I went from 2+hours exercise/day to a half hour (and some days none at all), I saw no change in my weight. Sometimes, I still feel the pull of the routines for anxiety reasons, even if I know they don't affect my weight, but it's still nice to have logic on my side.
I agree... when I stopped exercising so much, my metabolism actually SHOT up. Weird and not the best thing overall, but eventually it all balanced out.
"giving up the routine does not mean giving up control, it means taking it back!"
*fist bump*
I'm totally in the same boat as you, but yet I have a hard time separating what my mind knows to be true (rest is good, cut back on exercise, etc.) and what the anxious part of my mind urges me to do (workout, fall back into habits, etc.)
While I am a smart, intelligent woman who could write a book on recovery, exericse and food, I have a hard time trusting that applying these recovery steps to myself will "work" for me. I feel like exercise is the only way I can calm myself and I have to do "as much" as I did the last time, so even though I resent the time I spend at the gym, I feel compelled to go. Not a good idea.
Anyway, you HAVE had a taste of that freedom and with that said, it is ALWAYS your choice. You choose to spend your time doing this when you could be doing that. I try and look at other people who live life and fit exercise in when they can instead of living for the exercise and neglecting to live life.
Thanks for this post. I really needed to hear this right now. I don't actually exercise very excessively but I do tend to obsess about the exercise I do and have all these fears that I will suddenly gain pounds on pounds if I stop. Even though I know it's not true. And hearing other people share their experiences makes me believe it. I have a hard time trusting myself still.
February is a bad month for me too. Don't know what it is. Stay strong!
CAmmy, you are incredible! You are doing such a truly wonderful job, and I am SO proud of you! I have ZERO doubt in my mind that you will recover fully. Thank you for posting about your experience with exercising/metabolism/weight. Tracy used to also always tell me that I could stop exercising completely and, due to food intake, I still wouldn't gain weight. I had a hard time believing her. But due to injury, I haven't exercised AT ALL (formally) in two months, and I don't think I've gained any weight. So weird how these things happens. I read magazines, etc. that say weight = calories in - calories out. But it doesn't happen that way! Bodies are way more complicated. I wish I could completely control my body, but I can't.
I'm sorry you've been having a rough week. It's always hard when you get bummed out by other things and find yourself in the mental space of simply not caring. I know that you do care though, and you'll be back on the horse in no time. Do what you need to do to receive the support you need now. Talk to people. Make use of that therapy appointment. I'm thinking of you, hoping that you're feeling better, and sending you a hug :)
It's pretty cool that even a not-so-great week can help you move forward. I don't think people feel resentful towards their eating disorders when they are stuck in the worst of it because they often feel that they are choosing to live like that, but once you take a step back it becomes obvious that the behaviours were things that you felt you HAD to do rather than wanted to. Perspective is a great thing :) Good luck with your challenge this week!
February is my worst month, too. Currently holding my breath and hoping for the best (dear snow, you're not helping).
Also, you are fabulous.
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