It can't be real that my stomach has grown bigger and flabbier even as the number on the scale has gone down, right? I really wish my head were screwed on straight.
I've been watching the series Breaking Bad (I'm only starting Season 2, no spoilers in comments please!), and really identify with the character Pinkman. He had tons of opportunities and potential, but he got off on a bad track and now he's trapped and can't quite figure out how he got in so far over his head.
I had a little bit of a meltdown last night. I hate birthdays and holidays, because there's such an expectation to be happy and fun, and I am so bad at that. And thus I feel like a failure. It wasn't a bad day, really, was ordinary, but because there is this implied sense that it should be extraordinary some how, and I wasn't comfortable with doing/allowing that, I felt really depressed and bad about myself. I ended up breaking down crying on the phone with Match, bless his heart, and never really fully explained why. How did a nice boy like him end up with a nut like me?
Dysfunctional moment of the day: Mom asked me to read her some calorie information from packages at the grocery store, because it was printed too small for her to see without her reading glasses.
Slight win of the day: having a high-ish calorie (even with nonfat milk, etc) drink at Starbucks, liquid calories are still a huge challenge/novelty for me. It was damn good.
5 comments:
cammy,
our mind plays such terrible tricks on us. recognize it. dismiss it. don't obsess, bc it's totally not worth it.
and you should always look for the good things/the bright side to everything :D
I LOVE "Breaking Bad" and I also feel a strong kinship with Jesse Pinkman. Love it.
Birthdays are tough. I've had a few years of being depressed on my birthday because the day was so ordinary, as you said. I cried to Larry one year on my birthday. Boys can be comforting.
Glad you enjoyed the Starbucks :)
Happy birthday!
Latte/mocha/frappucino = milk exchange = TOTAL WIN for the health of your bones!
And it tastes goooooood.
I'm refusing to call this a "slight" win.
GREAT job recognizing the mind games of the number vs. "feel" of body. What are you going to do with that information? Hopefully it's not dictating what you "think" your body wants or is trying to tell you it needs... :o)
Ugh, dern eds. The upcoming holidays are already stressing me out. The large number of people and the high volume of the crowd makes me anxious! Not to mention the high-calorie foods, like casseroles and desserts. I want to enjoy them like everyone else, but my ed still holds me back a little bit. But I keep telling myself that I survived them swimmingly last year, so I can do it again.
Liquid calories get to me, too. But I can enjoy a good latte now (my favorite is caramel macchiato), and even V8 Fusion juice (I tell myself it's the same as eating fruits & veggies)!
Happy birthday, hun. And remember:
"Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming..."
If you ever want to talk, you know where to fund me. xoxo
a nice boy like Match likes you because you are nice. We may have a bit of dysfunction running through us, but we're nice, compassionate people.
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