~I really dislike it when I am at the grocery store and run into someone I recognize from the ED center waiting room. And least it's not as bad as when one toured my house.
~I need to figure out how to convey to Match that being told I am "soft" is not one of my favorite compliments. This makes me feel bad because I know he is trying to be sweet.
~I have a killer headache, like needles in my temples.
~I didn't do too hot with "staying on the wagon" today. I volunteered to help a friend move, involving 2 straight hours of carrying heavy things up 3 flights of stairs, yet still restricted my food. I honestly didn't have an appetite anyway, but that's just a lame excuse because I know I know better.
~There is a big cook-out with Match's family on the schedule for tomorrow, and it appears that there is not much Cammy-friendly fare on the menu. Actually not many foods I'd even like even if calories etc didn't matter. Match's family's eating is so different from what I'm used to. And I don't eat pork or beef as a moral thing (not an ED hang-up), which apparently he either forgot to tell them or didn't think it necessary, so all they're having is hamburgers and hot dogs. We're going to be at a ceremony during lunch and most of the afternoon, and driving and then the BBQ for dinner and driving again and probably not back until midnight, so not much time to myself if I want to bring a snack. So although I had to make an effort not to restrict yesterday, and lost that battle a bit today, tomorrow I'm actually a bit worried about getting enough to keep going.
~Supposedly there will be a veggie tray, Match was proud for requesting that for me. But the thing is, while I do like veggies and salads and appreciate having them on hand, when there is just that and then something out of the question like hot dogs (again I'm not criticizing you if you eat hot dogs, the meat issue is more environmental than nutritional for me, just wanted to state that because I'm so paranoid about triggering someone), I get so frustrated because I find it to be totally enabling. Tossing a few veggies on the table to "take care" of me seems to imply the expectation that I can/should go all day on what is essentially crunchy water food. Which I can do, of course, but I know that I'm going to feel unsatisfied and annoyed.
~It scares me to see how many calories I can cut, and how easily, when I want to.
~In spite of all of that, I do like Match's family and am glad he's making me a part of their visit. Although I don't think M's brother's girlfriend likes me, I'm not sure why? :(
~As another non-whine, I did admit to Match that I have a superhard time with ED stuff at times like this, and he has been incredibly supportive and nonjudgmental, way more than I deserve.
Ok going to bed so I can get up at the crack of dawn tomorrow, since the morning is the only time I'll have to myself for the rest of the weekend. Apologies for not such a positive post, this week has been draining in multiple ways.
9 comments:
I know that in an ideal world you wouldn't eat at a cookout, but if you were going to, what would you have? A veggie pattie? Lentil burger? Chicken fillet? I'm gluten free and vegetarian on top of my ed issues, and find that those who eat everything often find it hard to even imagine what to feed us (as evidenced by Match). Could you take something with you? I often feel self conscious, but have come to realise that others can feel worse if I don't and then there is only salad for me to eat.
Make sure you take some snacks too- nibble in the car if you have too!
Yeah, bring a veggie burger. I always bring my own to cookouts and no one bats an eye (sometimes I get made fun of, but whatever.) It's totally not rude. I would prefer someone bring something that they like than eat nothing but veggies b/c that makes me feel like a bad hostess for not anticipating their needs.
How about just bring a bag of nuts, a couple of bananas, raisins, a chocolate bar, etc. If you have to sneak away to snack in the bathroom, gotta do it. That's how I survive my in-laws! No excuses.
I so completely understand what you mean about the veggie tray, down to the frustration :-S I have Coeliacs Disease (gluten free, like Mandy above), and when people put out a plain salad - while I'm grateful to them for thinking of me at all - I feel both incredibly triggered (like that's all they think I'm "supposed" to be eating), and enabled (and unable to ask for something else). And then, as you say, there's the subsequent stress of knowing that you're inadvertently restricting, from feeling hungry, etc. My boyfriend, while well-meaning and lovely, has a tendency to do similar things to Match. I think you just need to say to him (even though I know it's difficult to bring these things up) that while you appreciate his thoughtfulness with the veggie tray, it's crucial for your recovery that you do eat some kind of proper/substantial food at every meal. My boyfriend, after not understanding for a long time, now seems to take a perverse kind of pride in making sure there's something "proper" for me to eat and not "just" salad/veggies (even though he doesn't need to and is a little over-enthusiastic at times, I don't like to discourage, lol). But it is nice to have an "ally" in these things, so try and get Match on side... he might surprise you :-)
Also, I *totally* feel you on the "soft" thing too. It's so embarrassing to tell someone that their compliment is actually an insult to my eating disordered brain, so usually I just don't say anything, but it feels horrible each time they repeat it. I know it's probably not much consolation, but of course Match means beautiful/sexy/etc when he says those things :-)
Oh, and I agree with the people above who suggested bringing a veggie/tofu patty (and some snacks... although you shouldn't have to eat snacky foods instead of a meal).
Sorry for length, but this post (as do all your posts, actually) really rang true for me, and I wanted to wish you luck for this weekend (I'm sure you'll do great). :-)
I so know what you mean about the soft "compliment." Thing is, it's an insult to the eating disordered part of you.... but it IS a compliment to the part of you that identifies with being a healthy, adult, woman - and, yes, there is a part of you that identifies with that. The other thing to remember is that you could be skeletal and still "soft." Try to realize what the language does and doesn't mean. Soft doesn't mean fat. Fat means fat. Soft could mean smooth. Soft means loveable. Soft means emotionally gentle.
Also, I so feel ya on how hard the food situation is tonight. If you cannot bring a veggie pattie, could you get to a store and get substantial snacks - and plan to eat one before the dinner and one after the dinner to make sure you do fill yourself up?
Thinking of ya, Cam. Hang in there!
On the practical side, maybe you could bring a veggie or boca pattie to the cookout yourself? It might feel weird/awkward, but that could be a solution.
Here's what I wanted to point out: "he has been incredibly supportive and nonjudgmental, way more than I deserve."
Whoa! No, no, no. Exactly as much as you deserve.
Totally agree with Flannery - you absolutely deserve someone who is supportive and non-judgmental. And rant as much as you want, it's your blog and you never come across as whining, it sounds like things are pretty stressful at the moment. I love the term 'wahmbulance'! I'm going to use that in the future...
Hey darling!
I have one word: HONESTY. You need to be upfront and tell him how you feel. No sugar coating. You really care for him, and that should make you want things to go well in your relationship. Not bottle up anger, hurt etc because you don't want to tell him how you feel. This affects him as well. Tell him straight up how the 'soft' comment makes you feel (without saying I know you mean it well etc) and tell him about your family gathering anxieties. It will be such a relief to get out and will bring you guys closer! I have a great Idea for the gatherings: Contribute! Bring something that you would eat (2 dishes). His family will love you and you'll be happy and comfortable!
I think you can do this. As long as Match has your back and you know the support is there, if you want to live a normal life, you will have to figure out how to deal with stuff like this at some point. Why not start now? :) I really think you can survive. I think whatever you have to do to make yourself comfortable with the situation is key, but don't hide away and don't get too scared. It is nothing to be afraid of. Repeat that to yourself. It is nothing to be afraid of. Don't let it have control over YOU. You are too good for that!
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