Call Me Cowgirl

Having a bit of a rough time of it this week, in terms of body image and exercise stuff. Still generally going along with exercise reduction, but it won't be a sticker week. And have done some food compensating. I don't know why I suddenly feel so huge and unwieldy, because I haven't been much any heavier this week than previously...over the past 6 weeks or so I might have gone up about a pound maybe? It's hard to tell because it varies day to day, natural flux within about a 4 pound range.

I think part of the issue is that I'm supposed to start the pill soon. Supposed to start it yesterday, but I didn't for 2 reasons:

1) I was waiting to see if the Provera would kickstart a period, which so far it hasn't. You are supposed to start the Pill the Sunday after your last period, they package it pretty precisely regarding dates.

2) I am indescribably freaked out about putting stuff in my body that will alter how it runs. No me gusta nada.

In other news, had a little bit of an issue at dinner Saturday night. We'd planned to go to one restaurant, and I was going to do my challenge with ordering a non-salad entree, and had my order pre-picked before we got there...but there was a 40 minute wait, so Match ran over to the restaurant next door to check the wait there. It was only 20 minutes, so he called to tell me he'd put our name on the list, to come on over. ACK.

I had a really hard time. I was thrown off because I wasn't having what I planned, and because I didn't know nutrition facts for the place we ended up eating. And it was a place that had very few things I really consider "safe". (I know, the point is to not think as food as being "safe" or not, but it's a work in progress). So I did end up ordering a salad (although it was a pretty nice salad), and a couple of drinks to loosen up a little bit. Match could tell from my face/body language that I was really struggling over the menu, and he was nice about not rushing me.

I think maybe that whole episode, even though it definitely dampened my evening a bit, turned out for the best. Later that night, he asked me if it had been hard for me, and that opened the door for discussion about that and a few other ED-related things we hadn't talked about before. I also brought up the fact that I've been uncomfortable because I've gained some weight since we first met 6 months ago, and he said he hadn't even noticed. Then I told him I'm nervous I'll gain more starting on the Pill, and his main comment was "Have I given you any indication that will make me think differently of you?" When my answer was no, he said "Well then I don't think it's fair to either of us for you to spend energy worrying about that. Either I'm telling you the truth or the eating disorder is, and I think we know which one of us has your best interest in mind." Validation: 1, Anorexia, 0.

A few posts ago, Laura from Now is Now asked what Match knew about my ED status, which is a really good question. Especially since he's studying psychology and planning to be a therapist in the future. I make a point of NOT taking advantage of his career field and using him as a built in therapist. I think I maybe even talk about it with him less than I would otherwise, specifically to avoid seeming like I want him to help. After we'd been "talking" for a few weeks but before we were officially in a relationship, I gave him the basic info on my situation, (that I'm in recovery, have been dealing with it for X years, where I'm going to therapy, blah blah, some things like that). For example, he knows overexercise is an issue I'm working on, but I never told him I was doing X hours a day or what types of things I was doing. He has taken the "I'm here for you but won't pry" position, which is what I prefer. After dinner I was more relaxed (thank you, sangria!), and the weekend as a whole was good.

Are y'all tired of so many posts coming back to Match these days? Just curious. I am such a feedback hound.

In my last post, I did the "Six Lies and a Truth" meme. In case you missed it, here were my "facts"

1. I am ambidextrous.

2. I have a pet tarantula.

3. At one point in my life, I wanted to be an oncologist.

4. I speak Cantonese.

5. When I was nine years old I was left behind at a rest stop in Florida on a family vacation.

6. I once rode a mechanical bull at a bar in Mexico, but first made my friend trade bottoms with me because I wouldn't sit on it in a skirt.

7. I am allergic to chinchillas.

There were quite a few guesses, and the majority of people picked #2, the pet tarantula. This is not a bad guess, actually, because I am pretty into animals and wildlife and would not be against having one if the opportunity arose (did you know females can live up to 30 years?). But alas, that wasn't the real fact. One person, CG, guessed correctly: it was # 6, the one about the mechanical bull. Yeehaw!

Which is dumber, getting drunk enough to ride the bull in a Mexican bar, or being stone sober and still doing it? In my case it was the latter. Yikes. I was wearing a skirt, but was afraid of getting chlamydia or some as-yet-undiscovered tropical STD from the well-seasoned seat on that bull, so my friend went into the bathroom and swapped bottoms with me. Turns out that she was about 3 sizes bigger than me (this was the summer after my sophomore year of college, when I was working on a megarelapse), so I had to hold the shorts up on my way to mount the bull, and she got a lot of attention after she'd shimmyed into that little skirt! ;)

So CG, you win! I wish I had a prize, I'd give you a sticker if I could. =D

(PS: For those of you who have me on Facebook, there is actually a picture floating around somewhere of me demonstrating my bronco skills)