In Which I Miss My Own Milestone: Happy Belated Birthday, BBBB.

I intended to write a post heavy on the retrospective introspection in honor of the one year anniversary of this blog, but I realized today that I missed it! I remembered starting BBBB during June 2008, but didn't realize the inaugural post was June 4, so it snuck past me.

The first night I posted, I was actually in a motel room, trust G. at my feet, because I had to do quite a bit of traveling for my summer job. I was depleted, exhausted, demoralized, desperate, and searching, that night. I hadn't been planning to start a blog, honestly, but that night I just felt this extreme desire to reach out, and boom, BBBB was born. To be honest, I wasn't quite sure how long I would maintain the blog after I first started it. But once I started posting, I wondered how I had made it through for so long without such a mechanism for expression. I had already been in therapy for seven months at the time, but I was still having "committment issues" with recovery.

I can't emphasize what a hugely helpful tool this blog has been to me over the past year. Writing has always been an extremely cathartic and therapeutic outlet for me, allowing me to express thoughts and feelings that I am never quite able to verbalize.

That is only part of the reason I have come to cherish this blog so much. I have been truly overwhelmed by the support I have gotten from this awesome (and growing) recovery blogosphere. Seriously, y'all have brought me to tears on more than one occasion. I never cease to be amazed by the wisdom, insight, humor, and compassion traded around in this community, and although I don't know you personally, rest assured that your comments have touched my life in many ways.

So where is Cammy, one year later, anyway? I have definitely made progress in recovery. I even have a rockin' tattoo as a daily reminder of where I've been and where I'm going. I'm in a healthier place both mentally and physically, and feel like I am finally forging forward in a path that is drawn in indelible ink, not the faint pencil lines I used to trace when attempting recovery. I graduated from college last month, and am moving on to the next stage of my life when I move to a new state for graduate school this fall. I'm going to be bouncing around the globe a bit over the next few years, and am finally realizing how grateful I should be to myself for making an effort get myself healthy enough to pursue my goals and dreams.

I do still have a ways to go, in terms of my weight, my thoughts, and my behaviors. I know for sure I don't want to go backwards, as tempting as it may seem on bad days, but going forward is still scary as well. I got into this illness one day at a time, and I know that I'll have to get out of it likewise.

I do have to put one plug in here: therapy. I was venomously and vehemently anti-therapy (for myself, of course, I always encouraged others to get help) for many years, after some bad experiences as a teenager. When I finally broke down and got professional help in December 2007, it was a major turning point. There is no way I could have come this far, or maintained these efforts, for such a long period of time without the help of my fantabulous psychologist. So, I have disproved my own principle, and I am indescribably thankful to have found someone with the patience, diligence, and lack of tolerance for bullshit to help me figure out how to start breaking free of this disease.

Ok, sorry this has turned into such a nostalgic cheese-fest. I'll close with a few posts that I think have shown some of the most significant thoughts/ideas/realizations during my path over the last year, or just ones I like best for no real reason. Of course, I am not expecting everyone/anyone to read all or even any of the old posts, but I did feel the need to go back through the 200+ entries and review my year and give some credit to my favorites:

6/13/2008: Just Like a Pill

6/19/08: Does This Outfit Make My Schema Look Fat?

7/3/08: Power Shift

8/28/08 "Superficial"

8/31/2008 SlimcaNO

9/15/08 Progress is Slippery

10/16/2008 Pondering Positives

1/2/09 Frustrated with Denial

1/13/09 The Danger of Being Out of Danger

2/27/09 Mutual Suspicion

3/9/09 Anorexia is My Vodka

4/20/08 I'll Thank Me Later

4/24/09 Anorexia Athletica vs Exercise Bulimia?

5/10/09 Milestone Weekend

5/18/09 In Which Another Patient Tours My House

6/12/09 Friend Therapy

And once again, thank you, friends, for everything. Please take care and treat yourselves kindly, because you are more amazing than I can articulate.