SlimcaNO

One of the ironies about having an eating disorder is that it can inspire you to eat some pretty disgusting things. This is a huge red flag as to how an eating disorder differs from a purely health-oriented "diet," (although honestly all "diets" are a little disordered, it's all about lifestyle, but I won't go off on that tangent right now). Genuinely eating for health means consuming adequate amounts of high quality, wholesome foods. The diet industry, though, has made a killing in marketing all kinds of newly concocted "foods" that offer maximum volume for minimal calories.

Artificial sweetners are everywhere, and the message is that we should strive to find foods that offer maximum volume (more in your belly!) for minimal substance. It's like this nationwide summons, a mass scramble to find items that allow you to eat whatever you can for as little calories as possible, even if that means consuming decidedly UNhealthy pseudo-foods. Be fit with wholesome foods, or buy the products that promise you'll fit into those skinny jeans?

The thing is, unnatural things taste, well, unnatural. They do not make our systems happy. But as I recently experienced, it's amazing how fast your taste buds become innured to assaults from the impalatable. Also, when your body and brain are screaming for nutrition, even yicky tasting things seem appealing. I'm sure many people that have had eating disorders or have been on any type of diet have noticed this: when you're hungry, even things you normally wouldn't choose start to look pretty enticing. Even if you know that "diet" alternatives are loaded with chemicals and additives, it doesn't serve as much of a deterrent.

So, I write this spiel about how unhealthy all of that is, and yet I'm very guilty. I have a compartment in my purse that is designated for stashing Splenda packets from coffee shops. I eat "sugar free angel food cake." What the hell is that, by the way? Isn't angelfood cake pretty much just fluffy sugar? Is the sugar-free version even really a valid food? Do I even want to know?

I no longer drink carbonated drinks, but in previous eras of my life I consumed oceans of diet soda. I truly mourned the olestra chips when they took them off the market. I have four different flavors of Crystal Light powder in my cabinet right now, and I even disgraced my wonderful Kashi waffles with Sorbee "syrup" (more like brown Splenda water) this morning. I have diet V8 juice, possibly the best example of an empty version of an originally healthy product. Guilty as charged, many times over.

But I have finally discovered a line that even I cannot cross, a threshold of gustatory abuse that has finally cowed both me and the ED. I refuse to ever subject my Splenda-saturated and olestra-oiled physiology to this again. The story:

The other day I was cruising the produce aisle at Kroger and spotted a strange green fruit I had never seen before. I was intrigued, and saw that it was labeled as a "Slimcado." A new race of avocados, bred to have less fat and calories! Hallelujah! I bought three.

Disclaimer: It should be noted that Slimcados are still not fat or calorie free, by any stretch of the imagination, but they are reduced enough to make them an appealing option at first. And technically I'm on the bulk-up plan with my nutritionist right now, so real avocados are ok (I am trying very hard to tell the story without being triggering, avocados ARE very healthy, good choices!). But I can never resist an experiment, and I wanted to try this newfangled fruit out for myself.

Yes, avocados are fruits, by the way, as are tomatoes, squash, cucumbers, and many other things that have had their phylogeny misconstrued and misrepresented to the public for decades. Sad, sad, sad.

So I rush home with my new find, and get down to business. Slice it up...a little stiffer than a normal one, but that's ok, no biggy. I concocted a beautiful turkey-avocado-cheese wrap (I am making an effort with food, genuinely, despite my recent flatline in recovery progress). So, looks great, then comes the taste test....

ACK. Sacrilege! It was like green paint and earwax, with the texture of rubber sandals. BLECH. This stuff is criminal. I literally scrubbed my tongue with a washcloth. Terrible! I'm surprised that whatever tree it grew on didn't shrivel up and die when that thing sprouted. I bet an entire species of insect pollinator is in danger of extinction after being exposed to orchards of this stuff.

Even G.--who has been in famished beast mode ever since I rescued him from doggy jail and his hunger strike--slinked out of the room when I offered him the plate.

So, the point of this ridiculously long tale is: just say NO to the Slimcado! Avocados are good for you anyway, and the slight reduction in nutrition stats is no compensation for the trauma your taste buds will sustain. My public service announcement for the day.

(PS: I later did some research, and found out that the "Slimcado" is a market-oriented strain of the Florida avocado (one of 56 different lines within the Flroida variety!), which has been selectively bred to be lower in fat so it can be marketed as such to people in search of guilt-free guacamole. The old classic is the California avocado. They are still considered the same species, just different "breeds." You can tell them apart easily, the Florida version is much larger and isn't wrinkled like the California. See below, Florida is on the top, California on the bottom)

Image credits: (aspartame molecule, Florida avocado, California avocado)