I don't know if I can do this. I'm already so fed up with myself, life, everything. This is supposed to be an awesome semester, I'm involved in tons of great things, I've got fascinating classes . . . why am I such an utter failure at functioning like a real person?
In my last post I listed a litany of things that I'm involved in, activities that will consume time and energy, but all things that I'm passionate about and truly enjoy doing. That schedule would be enough to stretch me even if I were healthy, but I'm used to juggling, stretching, bending without breaking, so in theory it should be doable. The past couple of days have definitely been a reality check, though.
I had been nervous about handling everything, bracing myself for some long days and stress, but I honestly failed to consider that elephant in the living room, the biggest, most crucial thing on my agenda: clinging to utterly pathological eating and exercise routines. Over the summer, when my days can just mold themselves around the ED behaviors, I almost forget how much of a disruptive time-sucker it is, but then when I have to go back to real-world mode it becomes painfully obvious, literally and figuratively. I know this is not the most eloquent or even coherent post, but not much about me feels coherent right now. I truly cannot maintain this level of exhaustion/frustration/bleakness for the rest of the semester, something has got to change.
I walk around campus and see hundreds, thousands of people going about their lives with energy, vitality, joy, and I can't figure out what it is I'm doing wrong, if so many other people can do it, what the hell is my problem?
How did I become this person, and why am I so afraid to become anything else?
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
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6 comments:
Your schedule reminds me of my junior year of college -- I wanted to do (and was doing) everything. I really wanted to do most of it (minus some of the mandatory lab classes), but it was still way too much. What I got out of that miserable semester was that even if you can somehow do everything, you can't do everything well.
There is nothing more frustrating than not being able to do your best because you don't have time. Even if you didn't sleep, you wouldn't have time. I felt so sub-par at everything... because if I put all the time I needed to into one thing, something else would be neglected.
Can you drop a class? I did that the next semester, and a) I was not depressed or constantly overwhelmed, and b) I did better in those classes because I could focus on them.
It sounds like you're committing yourself to more than even a healthy person could do. Even if you can somehow cut out or work around your exercise routine / food rituals, the eating disorder is still going to be occupying some percentage of your thoughts, time, and energy. From the very start, you're not working at full-capacity. And as things get more stressful, you're going to focus less on recovery and use ED habits as coping mechanisms... which is going to take more time and concentration and make everything that much harder.
When I would get stressed out in the last 1.5 years of college, I would think "at least it's not fall semester of Junior year..."
Cammy,
My freshman year of college was consumed by my ED behaviors. I remember vividly how frustrating it was, how trapped I felt.
Hang in there. My doc always told me that recovery is a process. Don't beat yourself up for the low points.
I hear you on seeing everyone around you bubbling over with energy. Makes my half-smile seem pretty 1) snobby, or 2) weak, or 3) indicitive of the turmoil inside me.
Your comittments (which raised my anxiety just reading!) may prove to be too much, because you are so right - the real world is exhausting when we are just trying to stay afloat mentally and emotionally.
I hope you are able to prioritize, and let go of those things which over-tax you. It's been said ad nauseaum, but you gotta put yourself first. You don't want to sink further into your ed due to all the stress, you know?
Take care of you.
Cammy,
Yeah, the life of a science student sucks. Labs are a complete time suck. I'm shuddering at the thoughts!
But you don't need to make time in your schedule for your ED behaviors- you need to make time for *recovery*. It's exhausting. This past year has left me completely drained, because the effort of being healthy is so brutal. It's more exhausting (in a way) than the AN ever was. Why? The AN behaviors felt somehow natural. Recovery did NOT.
And all of those smiling people might not be happy. Remember that. I fell into a profound, deep depression my freshman year of college because everyone seemed to be having so much fun. And then my roommate would break down nightly, my friend attempted suicide, and so on. People always thought I had *my* shit together- giving me a good laugh.
Take care, Cammy. Re-evaluating your priorities is so hard. You're doing good work.
Question: do you feel like if you do not do the "superwoman" amount of activities in your life that you will have failed? I only ask this, because you've been down this road before.
I know graduating and going to grad school is important to you, but if you're merely "skimming" by health wise, you're never going to allow yourself to truly see the vast amount of potential you have.
Lastly, I'm not sure the question of how you became the person is so important as to the fear of being anything else. What really holds you back? Think about it.
C, your grueling schedule is something even the most well-adjusted and physically and mentally human being would have a hard time doing.
Reality checks like this can hurt. Maybe this can be a postive thing for you (instead of you beating yourself up for it) that you need to make some changes to do the things in life that you are really passionate about and really love.
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