I won't call it relapse, I'm not doing very terribly, but it's definitely moving backwards from where I was around graduation. There is just so much on my mind right now:
1) Moving at the end of the summer, and starting grad school.
2) My brother's struggles. My mom thinks he might be gay, but is trying to figure it out. This is not an issue for me at all, my brother is my brother, but the rest of my family are strict Catholics, so it's a tense subject.
3) My dad deploying
4) My mom making a huge career change that is going to create a lot of financial stress for the family.
5) Seeing so many friends leave town
6) And a new wrinkle, a big confusion over a relationship. This is very complicated and probably warrants a separate post, sometime when my thoughts on the issue are coherent enough to explain it. In a nutshell, a guy (I guess he gets his own initial now, let's call him T.) has popped back up in my life over the past week. I fell so hard for him as a freshman, but then he cut off with no warning (he was at a different university), and I found out later that he hadn't exactly represented some parts of his life very honestly to me. So, 3.5 years of forgetting him. And now, one simple message from him last weekend put my brain into a tizzy, and I've been very sleep deprived this week from talking to him late in the night and thinking about him even later. It's like everything picked up exactly where it had left off. Basically, I all of the things I wished I had felt for J. (who did treat me much better), I feel for T., times a zillion. But he lives three hours from me now, and I'm moving four states away in about seven weeks, increasing distance to 12 hours, so it seems like very, very poor timing. We're still working through exactly what we want the "status of us" to be. This is very strange for me, because I DO NOT let people into my inner world, and yet with this guy it just feels natural, which scares me.
Amidst all of that, I really have had almost no interest in food. Most of the time, in my experience with the ED, food can occupy an absolutely insane proportion of my thoughts, no matter how little I was actually eating. Now it's not like that. I just have no interest in it, and each mealtime is stressful because for once, I haven't planned, and don't want anything, but have to figure out something anyway, which involves long stressed out sessions of pacing between fridge, cabinet, fridge, cabinet, fridge, and usually at least a few episodes of just planting my ass in the middle of the floor and crying.
This, combined with super, super-bad body image is just not doing me any favors. I'm having major weight gain distribution issues. I know that with regaining weight, the only way out is through. Your body has to get healthy enough before it things even out, hormones have to normalize, etc, and if I freak out and drop weight again I won't give it the chance to redistribute. I just hate feeling like a a walking belly. And because I work out so much, my legs have added a significant amount of muscle, which makes them look disproportionate. And I hate my cheeks. And I'll stop now because this line of moaning and groaning could go on indefinitely. And especially with the T. stuff going on, I would really like to not feel as though I have the body of an awkward 11 year old.
See? I told you. Whining. Sorry.
7 comments:
I'm thinking of you! First of all, please know that you have A LOT going on right now so it's ok if you feel overwhelmed. Anyone would have that treading-water feeling with all the change and stuff you're going through. I know what you mean about being disinterested in food. I've had days where I miss being so obsessed with food, daydreaming about it. Now, my stress converts to complete lack of appetite or interest in food. In those times (and I'm having one of those times now), I have to just surrender to eating with other people and eating what they eat; or, if I'm by myself, I just stick to "safe" stuff that I know is enough calorie-wise. Your interest in food will come back as you feel more grounded in life. There is a lot of upheaval and recognizing that will probably help you take a deep breath. I think it's smart to acknowledge that you're not doing as great as you were, but be careful not to get too hard on yourself. I guess it's a fine balance -- you want to get back on track, but in a loving way. Also, the weight gain distribution thing bugs me too. I still feel like all my weight goes to my core. Of course it does. That's where my organs are. I still don't think I've gained enough to fill out my limbs. Patience though, right?
The distribution issue with weight gain can be a terror.
I dropped a lot of weight during the school year, especially the second semester. I've gained a hefty amount back in the past six weeks. While I wanted to do this, I worked to do this, hell, I paid my nutritionist to help me do this, I'm still coping with the body image demon at the moment.
I wish that I could offer better wisdom than this: as quickly as I can upon noticing what I then perceive to be the unpleasant effects of my weight gain, I immediately re-direct my attention. Immediately. To anything. As soon as the observation about my body enters my head, I'll force myself to consciously notice the color of the paint on the wall next to my mirror, the sensation of my feet touching the insoles of my shoes, the taste of toothpaste in my mouth--ANYTHING. If my mind instantly darts back to my cheeks, my belly, whatever, I immediately re-direct my attention again. If you are familiar with the training strategies of Cesar Milan aka the Dog Whisperer, you may recognize this tactic! (Does this make me my own Anorectic/Bulimic Whisperer?) I recognize that it's as simplistic as snapping a rubber band on one's wrist when trying to quit nail-biting or something. However, it can be remarkably effective at cutting off destructive thought patterns.
I would like to be able to guide you towards true acceptance and celebration of healthy weight, as I would like to experience more of that myself. However, at the moment, I'm having a hard enough time avoiding self-loathing spirals. If as simple a conditioning strategy as this helps even a little bit, I'll take it, personally.
All in all, I hope that you can find ways to be kind to yourself, Cammy. Your circumstances are ones that make commitment to health and recovery especially tricky, I know. However, you owe it to yourself, to the woman who has worked so hard to progress as far as you have, to not concede too much ground.
Holy moly, your head must be spinning all the time. I like T.S.T's advice about redirecting - it can be uber-hard, but it's one of the few things that helps both my OCD and my unhappy body-thoughts.
As for the weight gain ... they (being my docs) told me that when you refeed, a lot of the weight goes to your midsection. I'm STILL waiting for it to even out. Grr. At least my boobs have gotten bigger.
Ditto with TST's advice! Do you own things that are stylishly baggy and/or empire waist? I would really recommend these for peace of mind. Or dresses to show off your muscular legs? Or leggings instead of jeans, since they feel as comfy and accommodating as sweatpants while still helping you avoid that "I'm a slob" mentality that comes from actually wearing sweatpants. Target has a cute line of leggings for $6.99/pair.
The guy thing is pretty exciting :) Do tell more if more happens!!
cammy, I hear you so clearly on the whole not really wanting to eat thing. The ac bill I save by leaving the fridge door open desperately trying to find something - anything remotely enticing to eat, is unbearable.
Nothing can be something and empty at the same time, and that is the struggle I ecounter. I am sorry you are facing this struggle right now - with everything going on, please cut yourself some slack and be patient with yourself.
Much love,
e
Thanks so much, I am always overwhelmed with a sense of undeservedness at the compassion and wisdom of you lovely ladies. I will definitely try the redirection strategy, that is something I hadn't thought of before. My teaching schedule also makes it ridiculously easy for me to skip/minimize meals, that is something I'm going to try to get a handle on this week too.
Thanks, as always, your understanding and wisdom means the world to me.
Wow, it sounds like you have alot going on! What an inconvenient time for "T" to pop back into your life. I'm so glad to be married; relationships are so hard to figure out. I can see why you are struggling with ED right now. Hang on and try to take care of yourself, especially since continued nutrition is what it will take for your body to "normalize".
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