One of the ironies of an eating disorder is that making some progress can almost be a roadblock. Getting yourself out of imminent danger, restoring yourself to a functional level, can be a really precarious and confusing position. You are just healthy enough to trick yourself into thinking things are ok, and yet the ED is still unquestionably hijacking most aspects of your life.
It seems like this is where a lot of people get stuck. Things are at a tolerable level, life is manageable, the ED is still in control but gives you the freedom you need to be successful at work/school and your weight is just high enough to stay out of the hospital, without having to enter the dreaded "normal" zone on the BMI charts. So the ED stays on, for weeks, months, years, decades. H. said that she sees a lot of women in their 40s and 50s that have keep themselves just barely subclinical for years, using all kinds of justifications for refusing to let go completely. It's like living purgatory, you're not in full-blown hell but you also aren't allowed to reach the fulfillment and empowerment of truly shedding the disorder. It's ironic that being "just healthy enough" can let us delude ourselves into staying sick for decades. Even though your vitals may not be critical, the smaller, subtle debts to your body do add up over years of abuse, and all debts eventually come due.
I am more than a little frustrated with myself, because even though I've been in therapy for a year and have gotten myself out of the critical zone in terms of health, I don't feel like my life has changed all that much. My day-to-day routine hasn't altered significantly. I still eat and work out with the same frequency, at the same times of day, I just have more calories plugged into those mealtimes than I did before, and I've gone up one size in jeans. How many thousands of therapy dollars have my parents paid for that? I don't have to work out the calculations to conclude that they're probably getting ripped off, and it's not H.'s fault.
One of the most common excuses I use on myself, to tell verify that things are fine, no need to increase food or decrease exercise, etc, is that I am worlds better than I was at some points. No question. I truly am a different person than I was when I bottomed out, in many ways. I have hit two or three major low points when I know I really should have been hospitalized (the worst and most critical was when I was 13, then again at 16 and 20). I eat more for breakfast now than I used to consume in an entire day. Who would believe this is anorexia if they had seen how far gone I was few years ago? Compared to that, today's Cammy is a very robust specimen indeed.
Ok, I'm still underweight, I still exercise compulsively, I still count all my calories, I still have trouble eating in social settings, and the list goes on. X, Y, and Z behaviors are still a way of life. But don't I get points for progress?
Not really, not if I am going to take this thing seriously. I guess I am realizing that you can't judge your status by comparing yourself to what you used to be, you have gauge your status in relation to what you need to be in order to live the most fulfilling life possible.
So, being out of the "critical" danger zone doesn't mean someone is necessarily out of chronic danger in the long run. Back to the drawing board, I guess.
5 comments:
Cammy, good post. I think we often fall into this trap. I used to get like this when my therapist would talk about recovery and my decision to finally stop purging. Her question to me was "so you want a badge for that?"
In some ways she was right. You reach one stage, and then it's like you still continue to go through circles until another aha moment where you are tired of living that certain way and decide to change again.
I know I've certainly seen the changes in your mindset this year which is a big improvement. Sometimes, I think we also get stuck into thinking we MUST recover rapidly and now, because other people (or even when it is yourself) are paying for your treatment. And that can just get wrapped up into the guilt thing, because we are not even doing that yet good enough or fast enough.
Maybe setting out some new goals would be a good idea in terms of both what you are committed to doing.
Great insights. And while you've made a good point about judging yourself from where you need to be instead of where you have been, don't discount the progress you've made. Recovery is a process, and each part of it is important. It sounds like you might be ready to start another part.
i related to this post as well. i think a lot of people who read my blog think, "she must be *so* into her anorexia, i mean, she has a FEEDING TUBE!!" --but what most don't realize is that i'm literally a million times better than i used to be. i no longer subsist on 100 cals a day, or have bruises on my feet and my hips from lying on my mattress. i don't pass out frequently in a day, and i don't have lanugo
...the primary reason for the feeding tube is to help my body maintain my weight...the years and years of damage through starvation has damaged my metabo and body composition, they don't know if it's permanent or not - and while i do need to eat more, the feeding tube isn't *strictly* because i'm not eating enough. it's me having to deal with the consequences of long-term starvation.
and yet...it is a trap because i try to tell my T all the time that I'M FINE, and she'd realize it too if she knew me a couple years back when i was doing horribly. but i see now what you mean: while we've taken positive steps, which in and of itself is amazing, we're not there yet, and complacency isn't going to get us anywhere but right back in our ED. and that's no life.
I so hear you on this. Maintaining an UW level for a year, and remaining alive, has given me all sorts of fuel for arguing with my Dietician that I am fine.
Yet she continues to remind me this is false, b/c my true bmi (which she measured with a caliper) is too low, I have to gain weight.
We try to trick our minds (or rather, our ed does), with reasons to remain sick.
It jsut doesn't work that way.
Joy is not confined to a cage; why should we?
Hi, Cammy. I'm glad you found my blog, because now I found yours :) I'm going through old posts, so sorry for the outdated comment. I just really related to this paragraph:
"It seems like this is where a lot of people get stuck. Things are at a tolerable level, life is manageable, the ED is still in control but gives you the freedom you need to be successful at work/school and your weight is just high enough to stay out of the hospital, without having to enter the dreaded "normal" zone on the BMI charts. So the ED stays on, for weeks, months, years, decades. H. said that she sees a lot of women in their 40s and 50s that have keep themselves just barely subclinical for years, using all kinds of justifications for refusing to let go completely. It's like living purgatory, you're not in full-blown hell but you also aren't allowed to reach the fulfillment and empowerment of truly shedding the disorder. It's ironic that being "just healthy enough" can let us delude ourselves into staying sick for decades. Even though your vitals may not be critical, the smaller, subtle debts to your body do add up over years of abuse, and all debts eventually come due."
That's my greatest fear -- not truly "letting go," then regretting it 20, 30, 40 years later. We only have NOW to make real changes. Letting go is hard and it sucks. It's very abstract. You're right -- gaining some weight, being out of the ol' woods is fine and dandy, but that's just the concrete stuff. Recovery, I think, is far more abstract and strange. Even though I eat ok (generally), and I'm not on death's door, I can see how ED rules my life, whether it's in relationships, with money, at my job, whatever. THAT is the real issue...
I'll keep reading :)
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