I get the feeling that now that I have H., my mom feels absolved of having to worry about the ED so much. I finally sought help, it's in a professional's hands, woo hoo. Problem solved, mission accomplished. If only it were that simple.
Also, my mom loves to think that the sun rises and sets on her kids. And usually I oblige and perform. You want a precocious kid? I'll learn to read at age 3, do the accelerated classes in grade school, zip through AP courses in high school. You want SATs? I'll give you perfect scores. You want extra-curriculars? I'll run myself into the ground with volunteering, organizations, etc. You want college credentials? I'll deliver a dean's list certificate every semester. You want a kid you can trust? I'll pay for my own car (which I won't crash), I'll work three jobs, I'll always meet my curfew, I'll date nice boys that call you ma'am. You want cool pictures and stories? I'll apply for internships all over the globe so you can show your friends how your daughter has chased critters across various continents. You want a built-in best friend? I'll be personable, funny, and companionable. I'll send witty e-mails and call you every day, I'll sparkle when I meet your co-workers and friends, I'll be your shopping/cafe pal when I visit.
You want a mental health problem? Probably not. But when I develop one anyway, I'll have the one that is associated with type-A high acheivers, with people who are driven and successful despite their daily daliance in self-destruction. It could have been much worse. I could be on drugs, I could be pregnant, I could have contracted a terminal STD, I could have any number of other mental illnesses that rendered me unable to function. Thank god for anorexia, right? Even my psych problems have been as optimal for you as possible, given the alternatives.
But wait, you want recovery? Here I stumble. And fail. Again, and again, and again. After everything I have done right, is it too much to ask for you to acknowledge that I lose sometimes, to give me permission to be human? If we pretend I'm not losing, what's the incentive to learn how to win?
But you're so used to seeing me deliver, that by default you assume that I'm a champ. So you assume any attempt at recovery, no matter how feeble and half-assed, is yet another victory. You pay the bill from the psychology office every month, occasionally ask how I'm feeling, and congratulate yourself on producing a daughter with the perseverance and strength of character to overcome such an insidious disease. I've put on some weight, I go to my sessions every week, of course I'm coming through this with flying colors. I try to let you know how much I'm struggling, but you just frame it as a sign of progress that I'm opening up to you about the things that used to hurt me. One more accomplishment underway, now let's just forget about that nasty old ED and think about daisies and rainbows.
Guess what? I haven't excelled at this. In fact, I totally suck at this. You may not want to believe it, but I'm a mess. I still spend X hours a day exercising, I still weigh myself multiple times a day, and I still tally calories obsessively. I still have skinny jeans lurking in my closet, because I'm not confident enough in this whole recovery thing to be sure I won't need them again.
But it seems to be too much to ask for this to be acknowledged.
Example 1: Last week my mom told me she'd never mentioned my ED issues at all to my younger brothers. They have witnessed me acting strangely, looking sick, etc, and have never had any of it explained to them. I guess I had just assumed that at some point it would have warranted being addressed, and that it had been done privately with them to avoid putting me on the spot.
Example B: While I was at home, I told my mom I was only eating about X% of my normal daily calories while I was at her house. The response? "Oh, you shouldn't be self conscious, this is your home too." Then an immediate change of subject. The issue wasn't mentioned again.
Example 3: Just this morning, I told her how much weight I'd lost at her house. Response: "I'm sorry, honey...I know you must be frustrated..." And then she started talking about her hair appointment for later today. I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. Yes, it's more of a gut than I've had in years past, less than in other years, but the sinking, twisting feeling of disappointment and invalidation is worse than any hunger pain that said gut has ever felt.
Yes, mama, I'm frustrated as hell, but not about the weight loss. I'd love to lose twice as much if I wasn't inconveniently aware that it might kill me. I'm frustrated because she seems to have a fundamental lack of understanding about the degree to which the ED is still a huge destructive force in my life.
In all other areas we get along great and she is an attentive, intuitive mother. The ED is just this black box of an issue that she can't seem to penetrate, or doesn't want to, or both. I think that when H. is back from vacation next week I will ask her about doing a phone session with my mom, I just hate this feeling of being misunderstood and invalidated.
This post has become way too long, and I'm exhausted in more ways than one, so further thoughts and news from the holidays later.
9 comments:
Yike. Anorexia was hard on my own relationship with my mother, but in a different way. She didn't fully understand what was happening, but she still felt A TON of guilt about it. After she had a session with my doc - just the two of them - things were a lot better. I think you're on the right track there.
And I'd really try to sit down with your mom and siblings and sort things out. Mine knew something was wrong, but things were better after it was explained to them.
I don't know you but I understand how your feeling, my ED has really affected my relationships with my family. being home for the holidays was very difficult because I find myself getting angry when they constantly talk about food and ask if i am hungry. they know i struggle but their actions don't change. It is frustrating and I can't wait to meet with my therapist next week to discuss it with her. I know this doesn't help but at least you know you're not the only one with this issue.
I'm really glad you wrote this. I've always had a slight hint at how your family seemed in denial and sometimes wished I could be some anonymous writer telling them how their daughter REALLy was. Of course, I'd never step over that boundary, but there are times when you want to just shake someone who isn't getting it, fails to see reality, or isn't reading between the lines. My dad would be a prime example as well.
Anyhoo, I think the phone session or perhaps even an in-person session would be helpful for your mom. I had my dad come once and see my therapist which was helpful for both my T. and me. She really realized how he was and how damaging it was to me.
Maybe in another sense, this is your mom's way of coping--the denial. If you can't acknowledge it, then it doesn't really exist.
I bet this felt good when you were done writing.
I think (from my own experience, for whatever that's worth), that Mom's (or Dad's) are secretly ashamed that their child has an ed. I personally think my Mom feels like it's solely her fault, and she so ignored it. Hence, when we do talk about it, it's, "What do you think caused it?"
I think she just wants so badly to be relieved of any responsibility of being a part of the problem. It's to bad, b/c there is just no one cause.
Shew, that is tough and frustrating.
I wonder, though, whether this isn't one of those "I can't change her, but I can change myself/my expectations of her" situations? I'm not saying that your mom is off the hook - but maybe lay her expectations of you at HER feet and define what your expectations of yourself are. And/or redefine your relationship with her?
I understand that you have a strong relationship with her and that this relationship is very important to you. However, it also seems that she is not "seeing" you - it's not only that she doesn't 'get it', but maybe she doesn't get you, at a certain level?
And it's also VERY possible that I'm projecting my own 'mother-issues' which are definitely present in my life and woven into my history with depression and an eating disorder.
- Kristina
Speaking as the mom here - and as a mom who has talked to a lot of mothers and patients during and after recovery...
I think what seems like "denial" really isn't. It's confusion, and it is what we are told by professionals and the media AND BY THE PATIENT.
We are told not to talk about it, to keep it a secret, to walk on eggshells, that it isn't our business, that we don't understand - A LOT. It is like a maze full of electric shocks hidden in the floor.
If eating disorders were openly discussed in society - and accurately described - it would be easier. If clinicians spoke openly to us and we heard a consistent message about wha the illness is. And if the patient was able to tell us! But that is a symptom of the illness: telling friends, group therapy, a blog, but not mom.
Yes, mothers sometimes suck. I'm only an average mom and as flawed as anyone. But the smoke and mirrors of ED are even more confusing to those who love the patient best!
Laura, thank you for taking the time to write that; you've given me a deeper compassion for my own Mom.
Thanks, everyone, for the comments and support. And Laura, I was hoping you would weigh in, because I know that as frustrated as I get with the ED, I can't imagine how hard it is for a parent that has to watch the whole thing play out in their child. I will have an update on our conversation soon (semester crazies are starting, haven't had a chance to do it yet), but you were right about confusion being a big part of the issue.
Thank you.
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