Match Pow-Wow Recap and Moving Forward

I feel much more peaceful and calm after taking a few days away with Match. It's so nice for my mind to be a bit quieter, instead of constant crisis mode like it had been for weeks. We had a great time, I was kind of overwhelmed at how amazing it was to see him after 49 days (who counted?) apart. I was pampered and spoiled beyond belief, let me tell you. We also had some serious talks about Us. I wanted us to at least take a 1 month break, to kind of step back and get better perspective on our situation. Match didn't like that idea at all, thought it was pointless, etc...after about 2 hours of intermittently tearful pow-wowing, we sort of uncovered a lot of the root ideas, fears, and angles that were behind both of our thought processes on the issue. I think my main hang-ups were a subconscious wish to isolate myself, fear over him finding someone new and so wanting to dissociate pre-emptively to protect myself, and various other things that are hard to explain now. In a nutshell, we're still together (first anniversary on Tuesday) and I am really glad. I have no illusions that this is Forever, but for now I think it's a good thing.

I know it sounds like I totally got suckered in, the possibility of which has definitely crossed my mind, but I honestly don't think that's the case.

So enough of all that gooshy relationship stuff, SORRY! ED-wise, I was very unwise last week, and continued my slippage leading up to the trip. I can't explain why, no clue. While I was with him I did decently, especially considering I was away from exercise routines. Although I definitely had a few meals where I filled in calories I didn't want to eat with alcohol...I only drink on special occasions out, but am going to have to stay conscious of how much I am starting to like the buzz, considering my family history and my own predilection to forming habits. But anyway, I was NOT drunk all week, just for the record! Cammy stayed ladylike, I promise. ;)

So yesterday was Tomorrow, according to my goal of beating Tomorrow Syndrome and really starting to get back on track after the trip, instead of finding another reason to put it off.

And I think I did ok. Thanks so much for all the supportive comments, y'all are amazing. As far as behaviors, yesterday I had less food and more exercise than the baseline I know I need to return to (even that baseline is too much exercise, I know, but this is going to have to be stepwise for me), but it was a significant improvement over how I was treating myself a week ago, and I'm on track to continue the positive trend today. Trying to just think about it one day at a time right now, picking one part to do better than yesterday, then hang onto that and add a new improvement tomorrow, etc.

One last item, one of the concerns I expressed in an earlier post was that M would like me better thinner. He was seriously bent on buttering me up on this trip, so of course I got showered in compliments, but never based on my size (meaning it was things like "you look beautiful" not "you look thin and beautiful"). I had told him before that I'd dropped weight on my trip, so he knew to expect that. I refuse to use numbers or anything on here, but just so you have an idea, I'm at my lowest weight since before I graduated from college (before I met M) BUT am still much healthier than I was for the bulk of the time I was in college. This has not been a catastrophic relapse, just a very significant slip.

On the first night I just plain asked him if he'd have noticed the weight loss if I hadn't told him, and he obviously felt awkward and on the spot. I could tell he wanted very badly to not say the wrong thing. Finally he just said "I honestly don't know. I might have just thought I remembered you a bit wrong?" And then he thought for a while and added "But I think you overestimate how much I'll notice. When I see you I don't think 'She's thinner' or 'she's bigger', I think 'she's my Cammy' and that's all that matters."

We had a similar conversation on the phone last night, when I told him I was trying to get back on track with eating, etc but was going to be nervous if I'd put weight back on the next time I see him. Again, he assured me that it made no difference to him and he probably wouldn't even notice. I tend to believe him, because I gained a few pounds the first 9 months or so of our dating and he seemed genuinely surprised the first time I mentioned it to him.

I think one of my main issues, which is behind both the turmoil over the relationship and the ED slippage, is just that I'm incredibly uncomfortable dealing with the fact that someone could care about me unconditionally, intimately, knowing that my little toes are crooked and my hair cowlicks when I wake up and that I can't whistle very well and oh yeah I have an eating disorder and some serious issues with connecting with people. What the hell is wrong with this guy, and when will he snap out of it and drop me like a hot potato? Still not sure, but starting to move towards believing it's not too good to be true, as opposed to disconnecting from it to try to protect myself.

So this is getting long and rambly and I sank into more gooshy relationship stuff, apologies. In a nutshell, I feel like my head is in a MUCH better place this week, and I'm going to work hard to stay with it.