Weekend Challenges and Successes

So, mi madre came down to visit this weekend, and I actually functioned (almost) like a normal daughter. Part of this was because she didn't arrive until early afternoon on Saturday, which gave me time to do a great deal of working out, and she left before lunch yesterday. So no, I didn't achieve much in terms of giving up exercise persay, but I did do well with eating. Normally, I am so self-conscious about food that I tend to restrict when I have visitors, regardless of my exercise quota for the day.

We went to a local natural foods store and had an awesome meal from their salad/sandwich bar, tons of interesting things to try. Also, I could estimate but not be sure of the calories, since everything was made fresh at the store and not packaged. I did ok with this, and tried a little bit of all the things that looked good, making sure to get protein/carbs and not just veggies. I know I had less than a typical meal-plan lunch, but I also knew that I was going to have a nice dinner later.

That afternoon we were out shopping and I wanted a Frappucino-type drink from a little independent coffeee shop we passed. This is a challenge, again, because I couldn't know the nutritionals like I do for Starbucks and Caribou. I ordered it skim, but what she gave me was essentially a milkshake, it was incredibly thick and rich and even had chocolate in it, although I hadn't ordered that. I drank a couple of ounces of it before I freaked out over not knowing what was in it, and threw it away. So that experiment was a bust, and I was frustrated with myself, but on the other hand I think it is understandable to be frustrated over not being given what you thought you had ordered. Although I do realize that many normal people would have loved to have a shake. Although I was anticipating a big dinner that evening.

Anyway, later that evening we went out to dinner with a few friends, at a nice restaurant with a really interesting menu. This is the big achievement of the day: I totally did not order the same old boring grilled chicken salad that I usually do. I usually don't mention specific foods on here, but this was a special occasion with an interesting dish, and I think (hope) not that trigger-worthy: I had grilled duck with blackberry cognac sauce, mashed sweet potatoes (see, Lisa? ;p) and grilled veggies. I even had some of the cornbread they brought out, plus a crab-stuffed mushroom from the appetizer tray. And I was ok with it, honestly. No panic, even when I tasted butter on the veggies. I traded about half of my potatoes to my mom for a few of her shrimp. Usually starches in restaurants are a HUGE fear food for me, because there's no exact way to tell what's hidden in them.

Granted, part of being ok with dinner was that I knew that I had had less calories than usual for lunch, but I did that specifically so I could enjoy the dinner, and I do think I broke even for the daily total of what I am "supposed" to be eating. I know plenty of people that have a light lunch in anticipation of a big dinner, and my lunch was not restrictive at all, plus the spontaneity of it was a challenge in itself. Plus remember that I could not do my normal exercise routine that night, because my mom was here. That has as much of a behavioral, anxiety-reducing function as it does physiological, calorie-burning utility.

So, those were my successes this weekend, food-wise. No, I was not ED-free, but I did break the pattern of only consuming about half my usual calories when I visit with my family. I am going out to dinner with Match tonight, and luckily he picked a place with an online menu, so I know what to expect. If I can plan what I'm going to have later, it eases my anxiety and keeps me from restricting the entire day in anticipation of the unknown. I know this need for planning is still disordered and is something I need to work on, though.

The only downside to the weekend is that if I try to bring up or even offhandedly mention anything related to my ED, my mom pretty much refuses to talk about it. She will immediately change the subject, without much subtelty. For example, I have been complaining about how my morning schedule is crunched because I can't walk to campus. She asked why, since it's faster to drive than it is to go by foot. I explained to her, with all honesty, that it's because I have to spend time in the morning making up for the calories I would have burned walking to campus, and that adds a great deal of time required to leave the house in the mornings. She didn't say a single word in response to this, and changed the subject.

What did I want her to say? I honestly have no clue. I really can't hold it against her when I myself don't know what I want from her. It's not as though I expect that everything would be fixed if she understood. I suppose I am just sick to death of painting on a Perfect Daughter mask and pretending like I'm not struggling.

Anyway, that last note was not all that positive, but overall it was a nice visit. We shopped the hell out of downtown, my mom was a hit with everyone I introduced her to, and I got to give her the tour of my new campus/lab/office.

Now on to the next challenge in a few hours...