I have been doing really well with challenges involving going to social things, including food-oriented ones. I went out and did something almost every day last week, I think it may have been a record for me. I still hold back and do most of my eating at home, but just breaking routine to go to the events is a step forward.
I am really unhappy, actually, despite all of that. I'm frustrated because although I've been "good" about challenging myself, expanding my activities, trying to act more like a normal 20-something, I still don't really feel like I belong here. I have made friends, as in people I talk to and joke around with, but no one I feel like I might connect with the way that I did with my high school and undergrad friends. In grad school I have much, much less face time with people. I go to class for an hour first thing every morning, then for the rest of the day we disperse to our respective windowless offices to work until it's time to go home and continue working. Social events are really the only way to get to know anyone, and I'm trying with those...but somehow I still just feel extremely lonely and isolated.
And honestly, on the surface I don't have much reason to feel this way. Things are going well with Match. I wouldn't call him a boyfriend yet, but it seems to be progressing. But, I do know better than to base my entire emotional/social life on one guy. I have been challenging myself with not passing up events, trying to get myself "out there." Yet somehow I just feel like I am "outside." I miss my friends, I miss my old city, I miss H. One of my classes, the one I was most excited about taking, has turned out to be a dud that is leaving me intellectually frustrated and understimulated, and that tends to put a damper on my entire mood for the entire day.
I know that this is still a pretty new situation, and things will get better as time goes on. Trying to fake it til I make it.
By the way, some of you might have seen my post about a security issue earlier this weekend, in which I thought my identity was going to be blown. Everything is ok, the person and I talked and she is very nice and totally understanding about protecting my privacy. I'm really grateful that I don't have to go to private mode. Just wanted to clear up that situation, for anyone who had noticed something was amiss.
OK, back to work, will try to update more frequently this week so that my posts aren't just periodic muddles of accumulated day-to-day feelings and thoughts.
4 comments:
Glad to hear things worked out with the FB person and she is understanding of the privacy issue. Whew relief for Cammy!
As for your situation, I think you are doing the right things socially, but I think it takes time. I know you are used to making friends and connecting quickly, so maybe this is partly why you are feeling the way you are. My feeling is that other grad students may be thinking similarly.
Hang in there, it will get better.
[hugs]
The friend thing does improve. I noticed some of my classmates made it happen right away, but, for me, it's really taken the better part of the year to make happen.
Glad you're challenging yourself to get out there! Perhaps I should practice what you preach.
I was worried that your blog was down, so I'm glad everything is ok I know all about how the blood leaves the cheeks when there's a possible "security breach." It's happened to me twice now. Scary.
Anyway, I'm wondering if you're being too hard on yourself. You are still adjusting to so much with grad school. It's a lot of work. You're adjusting to a new place. I think it's awesome that you're making a point to be social. I know how hard that is. I have days of dwelling on my unhappiness, ruminating and beating myself up for my weight not being higher, for being so "weird" compared to others, etc. But, sometimes, if I take a step back, I realize that things are ok. It's a time of adjustment still, from my perspective. It's great news that you're putting yourself out there with Match. I guess I would say to be patient with yourself. It's a fine line between condoning a slip-up and being patient... I know. But, I think you're just adjusting. It sounds like you're doing ok. You're staying aware, and challenging yourself and that makes me hopeful.
Definitely be easy on yourself!! Maybe this new "thing" with Match can be a motivator to keep your weight up and keep him attracted! Sounds very exciting. xoxo
Post a Comment