One thing I'm really uncertain about: when is the best time to open up to him about the ED? He has commented on the fact that I always order drinks sugar-free, and recently seemed interested in the exact reasons I don't eat beef, and so maybe he is already sort of picking up on something. I know many times (not always) guys don't notice things like that, but he is a psychologist-to-be, currently planning on being a therapist someday.
I am not taking it for granted that we're going to become a couple, mind you. But I do think that we will at least be friends. And yet I wonder that if telling him I have this long-term, relapse-ridden disorder will cut off any chance of relationshipness that might have been possible before. Ack. Match is a great guy, but I can understand someone not wanting to involve themself with a girl that has a disease that is notorious for making people emotionally walled-off and otherwise challenging to love. Whether he is a good friend or "more," the ED is still enough of a player in my life that it affects many things that will be hard to hide as time goes on. So really it is not a question of whether to tell him, but when and how. We've been talking for around 3 or 4 weeks now, and I didn't mention it earlier because I didn't want to go through that if I wasn't sure I was going to see the guy again, and now I am hesitant because I actually care whether I see him again.
With all of my other relationships (romantic and otherwise), the ED was something that I didn't open up about until long after I'm sure they noticed, at least to some degree. But I feel like this is different, somehow, like I owe him more honesty up front. Maybe because in none of those situations was I really anticipating becoming involved with someone at a point when I was still getting to know them, if that makes sense. Plus I was with my high school boyfriend before/during the time the ED developed, so he watched it evolve from the ground up and never needed a "confession" from me.
He invited me out for dinner tomorrow. My first thought is that "NO I DON'T WANT TO GO THAT WOULD MESS UP MY ROUTINE." My second thought, is that I can do my routine any old night, but tomorrow night Match wants to go out, so I need to man up and have fun, damnit.
My third thought, though, is that it sort of complicates my mentioning ED issues. Mega awkward, no, to respond to a dinner invitation with a confession to an eating disorder? So then it would have to wait until later. After which point I'm afraid he won't "get" how serious the problem is, if he has already taken me out to dinner and seen me eat.
I could suggest an alternative to doing dinner tomorrow, but what would that option be?
ACK. What was I thinking when I decided to try to date as though I were an actual human? Advice from the peanut gallery???
By the way, the Match.com experience has been interesting. Obviously there are plenty of sleazy people, but I've actually met a few that were articulate and seemed to be interested in more than just "a good time." I've only officially met with two of them, including Match. One problem is that I'm within an hour of a military base, so the overwhelming number of people in my area are Marines, and I'm not looking to be involved with someone in the military (no offense to anyone, I grew up in a military family and HOOAH, but it doesn't mesh with my career plans).
12 comments:
Ok, first do you want to tell him? If that's a yes then you should. If a no or not now that is ok and you don't. Second an option. You could offer to make dinner for him (please keep in mind college was a long time ago for me but we had comunal kitchens in the dorms so it we often did that for dinner). This way you can control what you make and what you eat and can tell him, if you want, in a place of relative safety. A third option is, since he is studying psych, ask him if he know's anything about ED's. Once he's talking you can guide it around from there.
But again from a guy perspective, if he like's you it will not be a problem. If he's a jerk it might be. Most of the guy's it wouldn't be a problem, at least I like to think that. Either way, good luck. And good eating.
Hooray, a gentleman friend!
First, take a deep breath - dating is supposed to be enjoyable, so let yourself have some fun! Match seems like a worthwhile dude.
Second, do that thing where you pretend you're him. If your lady friend was getting skittish at the thought of going out to dinner, would you assume a) she doesn't like me or b) she's been struggling with a terrible but surmountable brain disease and that's why. Probably the former. If you were Match, would you want to know?
I think it's a plus that Match wants to be a psychologist. Have you asked him why he choose that route? That conversation could be a segue into how you've done the mental-health mambo for a while.
If he drops you like a hot sweet potato (better for you than white, right?), yeah, that's gonna hurt like balls. But if he doesn't, he could turn out to be someone wonderful, even helpful and supportive.
It's not easy, but it can be worth it.
Ahem, of course I am a sweet potato, what self respecting Southern girl would not be? ;) I heart you and your honesty, Lisa.
Thanks for the guy perspective, too! I am considering asking him to make it a lunch date instead, which could be less intimidating for me than dinner, maybe. I need to decide soon though, so he knows what to plan for tomorrow.
I have often stressed over this same dilemma. For the most part the guys I have talked to about it have taken it a lot better than I expected- they're just kind of clueless as to all that it entails, even things that seem like it would be common sense. So it was hard to not expect them to "get it" once I told them. I did have one situation where I feel like the guy kind of overreacted, but where Match is going into psychology, I think he would probably be pretty understanding. I am sure you don't need me to tell you that the longer you wait the harder it will be. The way I see it- the ED has been a big part of your life for a long time. Eventually (if it hasn't already) it will get pretty difficult to completely avoid talking about it. AND I think that the way you have tackled it and the progress you have made are a huge testament to your strength and commitment to creating change in your life. Just my two cents! Good luck!
Sweetie,
Your struggle with ED is a huge part of your life. It has made you who you are today (both the good and bad aspects of that) and will continue to influence your actions if you continue dating. I think it is a great screening tool, actually. Any guy that would flee from you because of your ED is not worth your time. You want a guy that would take the time to get to know you in spite of it and would be interested in helping you feel comfortable and support you as you work to achieve a state of health. Otherwise, he lacks the qualities that you need to have a sustainable relationship.
I am all for challenging ED and its rules (the best times happen when we do-ever notice that?) but I think it's perfectly fine to try to find someplace you would be comfortable since dates are nerve wracking enough. I think you should tell him that you are working on your recovery from an eating disorder and that certain eating conditions are stressful for you, so here are some places/suggestions where you feel comfortable and will be most able to be yourself and enjoy his company. If he runs, it is really his loss. If he stays, maybe expect some awkward questions about it, which you can choose whether or not to answer, and try to help him in understanding you. There is really NO shame in having an ED (even though it feels like it sometimes.) If he admitted to being in AA and wanted to avoid a drinking situation, wouldn't you respect that and appreciate him letting you know so you could make a decision about whether you were up for that or not?
My dating rule is fly the freak flag right away. Then you know if they really like you.
Sarah
I think I agree with Sarah, if, that is, you really do want to tell him.
Cammy,
I'm coming out of long-term lurking to share this, but I think you and your blog are awesome, so it's definitely worth it!
A) I want to honor and validate you for even thinking about challenging the ED "NO I DON'T WANT TO GO THAT WOULD MESS UP MY ROUTINE" thought--as, for those inside ED land, such an act can require herculean effort. And B) as a psych grad student (who also still battles an ED), Match may not "get it" w/o assistance, as many psych programs are seriously dropping the ball right now on ED education. However, if he's worth even another moment of your time...it might be worth the effort to try to explain to him where you are and where you have been on the whole ED/mental health roller coaster.
Additionally, I think the switch to a lunch date might also relieve some of the pressure--not just ED pressure, but also the overall seriousness in dating pressure that accompanies having dinner together. Sorry that turned into such a long ramble...but best of luck--and know that you *are* worth it!
Yeah, I can kind of see how "I'll have a salad, dressing on the side...by the way, I have an eating disorder" would be awkward. I've never really dealt with romantic situations, but I think asking him about his career plans and aspirations might be a good way to sort of 'take the temperature' on how he might react.
I guess in some sense, I'd rather know up front if an ED is going to be a major issue in a relationship.
Good luck with whatever you two end up doing tomorrow- I hope you have a great time!
Go out to dinner, Cammy!!! Come on, tough up and fake it til you make it. xoxo
I've dealt with this situation a few times. I've made the mistake (yes, I'd call it a mistake) of waiting too long to really open up about my anorexia. In my experience, guys are pretty clueless. This guy might realize you have some sort of food issue, but he probably doesn't understand it fully. I think the longer you wait to share with someone, the more awkward it gets. Also, it can be a huge relief to just get it over with early on. I've seen that people really don't judge me as much as I've thought they would. If he likes you, he will just want to understand. He may stuff his foot in his mouth in attempts to understand, but that's ok. I say put yourself out there, as scary as it seems. Good luck!
I can give you two perspectives that may be helpful: 1) another human with a disorder that I don't have to wear on my sleeve, but sooner or later am going to have to fess up about (bipolar disorder); 2) a man married to a woman with an ED.
With my disease, I don't tell everyone about it. There are too many people who would draw unnecessary conclusions about me if I told them. As soon as I start to get to know somebody, and I get a feel for their personality type, I assess how they are going to react in my head. If I think they are going to think it's interesting and not weird, then I tell them and take away any power that my disorder has in the relationship by being upfront about it. If I think they are going to respond negatively or think I'm weird, then I just ditch the relationship. To me, if how they are going to react to something that is a part of who I am, then they are friends not worth having. There are SO many people in the world; I don't have time for people I don't trust.
When Kim and I started dating, I told her about my bipolar disorder very early on, but she waited a while to tell me about her ED, and when she did, the most she said was that she USED to have an ED. The implication was that it was a thing of the past. I trusted her, so I took her word for it and assumed that it was not a problem. It took another 2 years until the extent of her ED was revealed to me. All I can say is what I would have done: if Kim would have told me from the beginning, I would have spent much time trying to understand and be supportive of her. By not telling me, there was always a distance between us. I would recommend telling him early, and I wouldn't be scared of when or how you tell him. The more hesitation you have, the greater power you give your disease. If he is a good guy, and he likes you for you, then this will not phase him.
I hope that helps, and if you want to discuss more you can email me! Good luck!
I had a relationship end before when I told my boyfriend about my eating disorder. He didn't understand it (or me) at all and seemed to hold a stigma towards mental illness. He even suggested that all I needed was fish oil and Jesus.
I met my husband online and we chatted for three weeks before we met in person. I didn't want that kind of awkwardness again, so I told him that I had a history of eating disorders and while I had come a long way in my recovery, I still had issues to work on. He didn't completely understand eating disorders either, but he made an effort to understand them and to be there for me in whatever way he could. In my case, my husband was crucial in my recovery; I really don't know where I would be health-wise without having met him.
I think admitting this sooner is always better in a relationship, but that doesn't mean you have to spill all the details to him. You could just say that you're in recovery for an eating disorder and leave it at that. As time goes by and the relationship grows, you can tell him more details as you feel comfortable. I would also suggest perhaps leaving him with some pamphlets or sending him links to sites that have more medical information on eating disorders, so he can understand them better on his own terms.
As for an alternative to a dinner date, you could always meet for an after-dinner coffee and dessert or for an activity that doesn't involve food at all.
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