Road Forward

Ok, I am jumping on the bandwagon to review my 2009. I have had some MAJOR life changes, and it has definitely been a milestone year in many ways. Although there have no doubt been rocky times, I feel like overall I have been/am moving in a positive direction. The road through recovery is paved with obstacles, no doubt, but I am doing my best to make sure it's a one-way street. I'll be a total sheep and make a Top 10 list for significant events that occurred over the past 12 months [Edit: OK, I tried to keep it to 10, but there were some things I couldn't not include, so you get two bonus ones]:

In 2009, I....

1. Graduated from college.

2. Moved to a new city to start graduate school. The adjustment has been pretty difficult, not to graduate school per say, I'm doing well academically/professionally and love my research, but I definitely do not like my new city/community as well as my undergrad school/city. But I have a great adviser, and getting the first semester of classes out of the way so I can start focusing more on my research is a help. I feel like things are looking up.

3. Left my beloved therapist of almost 2 years and started seeing someone new.

4. Lost 2 pets (cat and snake, I was actually more attached to the latter).

5. Fumbled around with a sort of almost kind of relationship over the summer, it did not work out but I definitely learned from it.

6. Got rid of my treadmill. I did major damage to my knees with obsessive running, although I hope I can get to a physical and mental point in recovery where I can take running up again, responsibly this time.

6. Learned that my dad will be deployed to Afghanistan in 2010, and that my middle/high school boyfriend was going to Iraq (he is there right now).

7. Continued to improve my relationship with my brothers. They are 14 and 16, and the older one especially has his challenging moments, but this Christmas went amazingly well. I am incredibly proud of them and am glad we are at a point where we are able to communicate about important issues and enjoy each other so much. I know they don't read this, but just in spirit, I heart you, baby bros, and I will always be your big sis no matter how tall you grow (they are now at 6'4" and 5'11"!)

8. Met a great guy in my new city this fall and am in a real relationship for the first time in about 4 years. I had some doubts about "us" at first, but that was my disordered side playing mind games, and I am SO thankful now that I overcame that and did not let it ruin this for me. He is smart, sweet, funny, and supportive. Things are progressing very nicely and I feel incredibly lucky to have him.

9. Gained weight in a continual glacial movement towards my mandated "goal", made progress with loosening up on eating and exercise routines.

10. Became a godmother and fell madly in love with this sweet, incredible, perfect, brand-new little human.

11. Aged out of my parents' medical insurance policy,

was denied by 3 companies due to my ED history, finally found someone to take me, although they are charging criminal rates and do not cover mental health services (funny, anorexia is important enough to cause me to be denied but not important enough to be treated?). Health premiums ironically left me unable to afford therapy, but my new therapist went to bat for me and got me a super-reduced rate, which is awesome.

12. Started fieldwork in an amazing new country; with which I am totally in love and plan to move someday when I am retired and either a) rich enough to move to a tropical nation or b) so poor I have to move to developing nation. Tomato, tomahto, either works and either way, I win. ;)

Happy 2010 everyone! I cannot express how much your comments and support have meant to me over the past 18 or so months of this blog, and I can truly say that I would not be in the same place if it were not for both your feedback and the inspiration I get from reading about your own journeys. If you are a reader but tend not to comment, I hope that I get the chance to "meet" you and learn more about you in the coming year.

Much love,

Cammy

Relatively Intact

So, X-ray results are in, it looks like I am relatively intact. They were afraid that I had might have some hairline compression fractures in my cervical verts, but the good news is that my back is NOT broken. Woot for an intact spine. The bad news is that I apparently do have a hairline fracture in my wrist (thank you, Jiffy Pop bones) and some compressed disks, which were the cause of my chest pain in some weird anatomical way that I haven't tried to map out.

The other bad news: the X-rays show that I apparently already have signs of osteoarthritis in my upper back. Thanks, anorexia, I hate you too.

I was severely admonished for traveling back from another hemisphere, going through the holidays, and making another long car drive/luggage hauling expedition before being seen. Now I am not supposed to be doing any lifting/carrying for a week or two, although in practicality this would be difficult to adhere to in full. And I am prohibited from traveling, which means my upcoming cross-country trip is off. Thank goodness I paid extra for the refundable plane ticket, or I would be out over $600. I am bummed because I was going to 1) a big conference, 2) check out a school that I am interested in for my PhD program, 3) visit with family members I have not seen in literally over two decades. So frustrating that a fall that took less than a second can mess up so many plans.

I have a wrist splint, which apparently only came in Cat Puke color.

Match assured me it is Ultra Hott, but methinks that after two weeks of being apart he is probably attention-starved enough to be slightly delusional about these things, much to my advantage.

More later.

OK, I Cave

I am posting this from my phone in the waiting room of the doctor's office, I finally decided to cave in and come in to get looked at. I kept telling myself it was just soreness that would go away if I ignored it, but that is not happening, apparently. I drove home from my parents' house (about 5 hours) yesterday and really aggravated my wrist dragging all my luggage, etc up to my second floor apartment. Then I was freaking brilliant and decided I just needed to get the muscles warm/stretched out so I proceeded to do my cardio DVD for the first time since before my research trip. I have had a lot of painful workouts during my tenure as an obsessive exerciser, I used to have to routinely throw away workout clothes because of bloodstains. But dear god, last night was bad. Why didn't I stop? If I could answer questions like that, my world would be a fundamentally different place, wouldn't it? Plus I had had one of those days where it randomly seemed like a good idea to halve my calories. I told myself I was trying Intuitive Eating, I truly was only hungry for X, but honestly it was an easy excuse to restrict.

Anyway, I await the doctor, expecting to just be given a referral for an X-ray and sent somewhere else, we'll see. I am going to another conference on the opposite side of the country on Sunday, I don't have time to be hurt!

Holiday Wrap-Up

Well, I made it through. Heading home tomorrow. Chest is feeling a little better, although still painful. Hoping it is just a muscle thing that will go away in time, but will still probably call my doc tomorrow.

Major fatish feeling from lack of exercise, and sort of restricted yesterday, definitely today. Have munched on Christmas cookies, etc, though, which I never would have done in the past, but used them as substitutes for other typical foods (ie having a cookie for breakfast instead of toast) so that hasn't been a source of increased calories overall. I have definitely noticed that even when I'm slipping a little, my behaviors and overall experience are so much better than in previous years. I have most definitely had anxiety over the exercise stuff, but I have been surprised because it has been less intense than I would have expected. Holidays are still rocky, but are getting better and better all the time.

My brothers were in a really rocky stage last Christmas, and it was extremely tense at times. This year has been worlds better, I thoroughly enjoyed them both. My mom is my best friend, and I've had a great time with her, as always. My dad worships the ground that my mom and I walk on, and is never ashamed to show it. I am so thankful for my family. One of my top favorite things about recovery is being able to relax and spend more time enjoying them.

Interestingly, my family seems to have changed how they act around the ED issues too. In previous years, my parents made a big deal about always sitting with me when I ate, insisting it was to keep me company, not to keep an eye on me. This year it seems to be the opposite, they have left me alone and not made an effort to be in the same room at meal times. I have to wonder if it's because they worry less about it now that I'm "big enough" (they have always had a hard time grasping that external recovery may or may not reflect internal status), but whether that is true or not, I'm sort of just relieved to be left to my own devices. They have very casual eating patterns, so it's normal for someone to have something when others don't, which makes it less stressful for me to make my own meals, in some ways, although a little more stressful in others. I love my family dearly and have enjoyed them over Christmas, but I'll be glad to be in my own space again soon.

Did the post-Christmas sales with my mom yesterday. I love our "Girls' Day Out" sessions, but trying on clothes is such a huge trigger for me, and I felt pretty glum by the end of the day, it definitely contributed to my lack of appetite today.

Ok, getting up for a long drive tomorrow so I better go. Overall, successful holiday. Could have handled some things better, but looking back over the years, the trend is positive.

Owie

So I am thinking maybe this chest injury is not going to just go away on its own. Hard to tell if it's getting worse, but definitely not improving. I tried lying flat on my back on the floor earlier, and the pain was literally breath-taking, I was honestly not sure if I was going to be able to get back up. It feels like the muscles/ligaments that attach to my sternum. I'll be back to my own town on Monday, hopefully my doc can get me in for an X-ray or something.

I am headed out for another big trip in a little over a week, I don't need this right now!

Jingle Bells, Anxiety Hells (?)

I am not quite sure how I feel about things right now. Like I mentioned earlier, my dear friend J. is having Christmas with my family this year. I thought that would be helpful, because I tend to regress majorly with the ED stuff when I stay at my family's house, but now I really can't tell if it is making things better or worse.

1) He is timid about asking for food or eating too much in a house that is not his, so I feel like I am always the one initiating food events, which makes me self-conscious.

2) My family has absolutely no structure to their eating. They nibble and graze and snack and just eat whatever and whenever strikes their fancy. We will have one formal sit-down meal for Christmas today, but that's it. Basically, they are all intuitive eaters to the max, but that makes it really difficult for me because now that I'm out of fieldwork mode and back to domestication, I am having a hard time with "shoulds" when it comes to food, and the continuous stream of munching from everyone around me makes me question whether I'm really hungry or just want food because someone else has it.

3) Exercise, exercise, exercise. Having J. here makes me feel very guilty if I sneak away to my room for even 15 minutes. So yesterday I had almost no "formal" exercise, although we walked the dogs (he has his here along with G. and my parents' dog) for miles and miles, and then ran errands at a couple of stores, did some cooking/decorating, and other things that kept us on our feet.In this case, J's presence is probably good for resisting ED but bad for my anxiety.

4) I also managed to fall down and hurt myself the last day on the trial. I have a light sprain in my wrist and this weird thing with the tendons that connect my ribs to my sternum. I didn't know you COULD sprain them, but apparently I have and it is the most annoying thing ever, for a few days it even hurt to draw in deep breaths. Now it just hurts if I bend backwards, bend forwards, move my arms laterally, or reach across, up, down, or twist my torso around. This is making me move a little bit like an old lady, despite gobbling double doses of Aleve several times a day. Technically I have workouts I know that I COULD do if I really tried.

MAJOR ANXIETY AND FATISHNESS FEELING. But only sometimes. Other times I am amazed at how calm I feel about the situation. Like now. I woke up early to work out, but I'm sore and tired and fired up the internet instead of playing the cardio DVD on my laptop. And I think I'll be ok. But then I have short bursts of panic/guilt over it. Argh.

I've sort of compensated with food, but did have cookies, wine, cheese, etc last night in a Christmas Eve splurge. I am not sure how I feel about that. J. is leaving tomorrow morning, and then I'll feel more free, and I keep telling myself that taking just a few days off is not going to change my weight that much. And honestly, I was down a few pounds when I got back from my trip (separate post on that at some point in the near future), so I know that it's not the end of the world even if I did gain some.

Ok, just needed to vent that out. By the way, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! I am trying super hard to push the ED thoughts away and enjoy the holiday with loved ones, and I hope you are too, you deserve it, my lovely friends! Your support and watching you fight for your own recoveries are the best gifts I could have asked for this year.

Back! Did you forget me yet?

Hey all, I have returned, just in time for Navidad! This will be a quick post, I am majorly sleep deprived from traveling. But overall trip was FANTASTIC. Eating was a little rocky the first few days, but once I got into the swing of things I did a great job of listening to my body and relaxing about calorie counts. The country I visited was way more amazing than I ever expected, I truly did not want to leave. Back down in a few months and I can't wait!

It wasn't the best exercise in reducing exercise, because the work was pretty substantial and I know I pushed myself more than necessary. But I did break patterns (no workouts before breakfast or after dinner). And I broke tons of food "rules" and patterns. I am always amazed at how well my appetite regulates itself (according to activity level) when I actually give it a chance. I am hoping I can carry some of that intuitiveness over to "real life" now that I'm home. A real challenge will be keeping that up now that I am at my parent's house for the holidays and am not hiking for hours and hours every day.

I really cannot remember the last time I was so happy for so many days in a row as I have been for the last 10 days. I love love love my research and this new country that I have "discovered", and it is so nice to have something that blows the ED out of the water in terms of priorities.

I"ll update soon, but for those that won't be around much over the next few days, I hope everyone has a great Christmas, be safe in your travels and treat yourselves for the holiday, you deserve it!