Pictures puzzle me. Throughout the course of my ED, I've had a range of experiences/reactions to pictures of myself as vehicles for reality checks. I can look at photos of myself during some bad times, and be appalled at how terribly sick I looked. This has served as a major reality check for me at times. On the other hand, I can look at some photos of myself when I was healthier and think how hideously huge I look, even though intellectually I *know* I was still underweight by the charts when it was taken.
I've been going through photos from this holiday season, during which I was significantly lighter than last year. And honestly, I can't tell at all that I've lost weight, from the photos. I guess bulky winter clothes hide a lot. I actually had a doctor say to me, at one point when I was very dangerously underweight, that "You know, you look pretty normal with your clothes on." It makes me wonder how seriously my family/friends actually take the ED sometimes, since it's so easy to fall into the trap of assuming everything is okay if someone's weight is up and/or stable. But seeing little or no difference makes it so easy for me to minimize the issue. I know that I've felt like absolute crap, and that my clothes fit differently, etc etc, but looking "normal" in photos makes it seem like maybe everything is in my head and really I'm fine.
And I hate the idea that I even care if people can tell. I really don't want attention for losing weight, I want everyone to leave me the hell alone about it. The main focus of most of my slips is not even a desire to lose weight. I don't *want* to be superskinny, but I really can't stand the idea of gaining weight, and certain overcompensatory behaviors are just so ingrained I can't give them up.
I think I just get curious about what other people perceive, since I've learned I can't trust my own interpretation of what I see in the mirror or in photos. Imagine you're wearing colored glasses that change how you see the world, but you're not quite sure what color they are on a given day, so you're not sure what's distorted or what's not. Okay, how's that for a shoddy metaphor???
Then again, six months from now I could look at those photos and definitely see the difference. That happens sometimes. Sometimes it doesn't. I don't mean this post to imply that I'm image obsessed. I look in the mirror very little on any given day. I don't really think I'm fat, I just have a hard time seeing being thinner as a problem I should take steps to reverse. Even though I know I'd definitely think someone else in my position would be better off proactively working on the issue, objectivity is a slippery thing sometimes.
I think at times like this, when I know I've slipped and need to turn things around, I vacillate between trying to admit there's a valid problem and trying to minimize the issue to myself, and so I go searching for evidence to whatever end of that spectrum my mind happens to be at any given moment.
I hope none of this was triggering to anyone, just kind of streamed my thoughts onto keyboard. As a major disclaimer, it's not that I think being too thin is acceptable or desirable or something that should be treated ambivalently. If I believed that, I wouldn't be in such turmoil trying to figure out where the hell I am and where I'm going right now.
8 comments:
I do that too but for me how I think I look has the most to do with how happy I was at the time. My wedding I was heavier than I am now but I look at those pics and think I looked great...
welcome home.
interesting, insightful post. pictures are confusing to me -- it's often hard to figure out what size i am.
thank you for letting us see your process. i hope it's okay to say -- i read/feel some underlying message that you... that its time for people to notice you've lost weight and it's, perhaps, time for you to address this too.
am i wrong? it just feels like there's something written beneathe, underneathe the lines.
Love and hugs and strength and patience to you.
Photos are really confusing--I agree with your confusion here. I think the best thing to do is to ask yourself what a well-educated medical professional would say about your weight and act accordingly. I look "fat" to myself a lot of the time, especially in pictures, but a medical professional would say I am at a healthy weight and so I remind myself that my weight is okay and I need to maintain here. You may look "fat" to yourself, but a medical professional would say you need to gain weight, so it's a different story. I agree with I Hate to Weight--it feels like there is something between the lines here, like maybe you would have an easier time with seeking the help you need if the people in your life were acting like there was more of a problem and urging you to do something right now?
Validation is hard whether it is us trying to validate ourselves, or whether it is from other people.
Since the majority of us know our own perception is deceptive and thus rely on others, it can just be fuel for the fire when others don't perceive what we think they should be perceiving either. Make sense?
I agree with Sarah and I Hate to Weight--that perhaps you know deep down that you DO need to seek additional help and you are thin. I know you know this, but it's the doing something else about it. And before it gets to a point of not turning around.
I had a picture party in my room last weekend, just sorting through old times and new. If you stop by, the Yummy, delicious, body Image post shows some of what I found.
Iamthewaldbillig.blogspot.com
It's astonishing to me how it took so long for me to see how different and sick I was, when at the time, I found the 'Then' picture perfectly normal.
Stay strong!
I too am confused by what I see both in the mirror and in pictures. In fact I just posted a couple of pictures on my blog of when I was thinner than I am now, and I don't really know what to make of those pictures except that they make me feel sad. I'm not happy at any weight that I am...this I know. I wish I could look at myself now, at a healthier weight and think that I looked great.
I hate how I look in pictures, but it's mostly because that's when I do see how thin I am. When I look in the mirror most of the time, I see what I'm used to seeing and it doesn't alarm me anymore. As you know, I don't want to lose any weight either and I want to be healthier and gain weight, but at the same time I have a hard time justifying it if no one else harps on me about it.
My comparison to your picture puzzlement is blood work and doctors. My blood work always comes back fine and dandy and doctors just seem to accept me at this weight because of that. I think I want hard evidence--lab results, a picture, etc.--to convince me that I need to change things. Even if I feel like crap at times and know this, I question it without that evidence.
Maybe you're just looking for something solid and tangible instead of something intrinsic? If that's the case, I'll give it to you--if it affects your health, your life and your happiness, it's a problem (at any weight.)
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