An hour later I came back to look at my last post, about the stupid comment from the doctor, and now I REALLY hope people don't see it as hypochondriacal at all. Now I feel the need to explicate on it a little bit.
Despite my best efforts (except for depending on the BC pill to cycle and this damn recurring infection) my body is running very well these days, relative to what I've experienced in the past. Keep it up, indeed, I don't want to let myself deteriorate again. I'm not trying to be sick, or convince anyone that I'm sick, or idealize sickness. I felt like my last post could have been misconstrued as me not wanting to admit that I'm healthy, as clinging to my pathology because it's all I know. I often tend to second-guess what I've written or the way I worded it, and this was a good example.
This was the first time I had seen this physician, and he knows none of my history besides the "anorexia, diagnosed February 2000" that I dutifully recorded on my paperwork. He doesn't know how far I sunk at my worst, or how many dozen pounds ago that was. Or what my current habits and lifestyle are like, or the fact that I've lost a significant amount of weight in the past 7 months. Two different sides of a very complex coin, if I can butcher the metaphor thusly.
So when he said "keep it up", I'm sure he thought he was being encouraging at the fact that, with shoes, a belt, jeans, two sweaters, and breakfast plus a venti Americano in my stomach, I am almost in the healthy weight range. (NOT intentionally weight-loading, btw. I stopped that around the time I became apathetic about pleasing my treatment providers. i.e. very early).
But my mind always twists comments like that, even though I know that they wouldn't carry the same meaning if he had all the information. To me, it says "There's nothing to be concerned about unless you're a bundle of sticks being pushed into my office in a wheelchair. Organs all seem to be working? Bravo, all cured. You can be underweight and mired in behaviors, prone to anxiety attacks, and highly dissatisfied with your lifestyle, as long as you don't look like a skeleton to me." And I'm aware it's my brain playing games. I try to turn it off. But, as this word vomit illustrates, that doesn't always work.
I just get so disheartened when the "book is judged by its cover" and it makes me feel like my day to day struggles and anxieties aren't all that valid. Yes, my pulse and blood pressure are great compared to the average for our population, and I'm wearing adult clothes sizes again, so I should just shut up and quit acting like there's something wrong with me. Right? :(
Ok, sorry for the venting, I think I just need to let out more of my thoughts about that brief comment I mentioned yesterday, I felt like I had left a good deal of ambiguity as far as my thought processes on it.
9 comments:
First of all, I always second-guess what I've written and how it was taken. For the record, I didn't read your last post weird at all. I totally got it.
Second, I've written about this a million times myself. Lame, but once again, I get it. It's frustrating because if there were some tangible test for mental illness that could diagnose you as unhealthy, it seems like people would be more apt to "believe" that there is something wrong.
It's not that we want something to be wrong--quite the opposite--but it's almost like we feel validation is necessary in order to make our feelings real. You don't have to be a skeleton or look like hell to need a change.
But I do have to argue with the wording of your statement, "I should just shut up and quit acting like there's something wrong with me. Right?" It sounds like I'm being lame, but I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Yes, you have your struggles and your issues, but it's something to work on--not to reduce down to a character flaw.
I hope that's not misconstrued in some way :/
I'm glad that you wrote more about that because i think many people would have similar experiences. i know for me right now that ppl think im good or fine (on the ed front anyway) bc ive restored my weight (thanks medication, blah)...but ed wise, i've slipped to where I was 12 months ago but its far more hidden! If someone is gonna judge a book by their cover they really need to read the synopsis AND the info about the author to get a sense of the authors likely position at the very least!
*hugs* thinking of you xox
Telly
I hate it when the MD's mess up what pdocs are trying to fix. Just remember that many MD's know NOTHING about ED's or how to deal with the people that have them. And lets face it he most likely thought you were "normal" now and that he was giving you a compliment, after all fat is the enemy now and no one is too skinny.
Grrrr... Sorry personal pet peves. My docs made a comment and it (and other things) sent me back to a really bad place.
Please don't let that one comment take you down. Fight it and stay healthy.
I didn't see your last post in that you wanted to unhealthy. But rather that the Dr. was incompetent. In a perfect world, a Dr. SHOULD ask about the ED, especially if it was written on the patient history like you did. At least ask "So you were diagnosed with AN in 2000, how is that now?"
But I know exactly what you mean. I've had it happen to me before. There is such a lack of information in realizing that it is not all about the physical body but also the mind.
No need to apologize for your last post's perspective! Even when recovered--by clinical measures, thoughts and distortions may take longer to catch up.
I have linked your blog to mine. You provide an honest view of recovery that,no doubt, my readers will find valuable!
Lori Lieberman, RD, CDE, MPH, LDN
I've read your blog for awhile now, and haven't commented before but first wanted to tell you how helpful your writing and honesty have been. I really resonated with the notion of your mind twisting comments like this. And feeling like your day to day struggles are negated/overlooked because overall things seem "fine". It can feel defeating and disheartening at times. I'm a medical student and having been on both sides of the coin in that I was rather ill with my ED and I am also training to become a physician. I try to be conscientious and intentional in learning about my patient's history and day to day life, despite what the vitals, labs, physical exam TODAY are showing. Thank you for writing this post, its a good reminder!
Thanks for reading my own venting post! :)
And I totally understand about having all the psychological drama and being physically healthy by all apparent means.
I'm going to pretend that the Dr meant to "keep it up" on your desire to recover, and determination to fuel completely and get in a healthy weight range. Sooo, yeah.
Keep seeking complete whole health from every perspective. You're amazing!
i was a perfectly healthy average weight but so messed up. as i had previously weighed about 190, the perfectly healthy weight was just way so skinny for ME. i was starving, i was puking, but to everyone, i seemed just perfect. no doctor would pay me the slightest attention.
the thing is -- they're wrong. you're right.
You know better, stil doesn't stop the thoughts from being there...and you have to listen to them anyway. SO annoying.
Just remember that you know better.
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