I really like D, partly because she gives me pretty blunt reality checks when I need it. She brought up the exercise challenges, and pointed out that while I've had some success with reducing time, that has stagnated, and I still haven't broken much of the pattern mindset, which is the most important part. She wants me to take ALL of Sunday off. This would actually be a good day to do it, since I have plans with Match that will keep me occupied for much of the day...we'll see. I know logically that taking a whole day off is the same as two half days, and she didn't specify how many of those I had to do, so it's not any "worse" than earlier challenges...but somehow just doing no formal exercise (I could still walk G, I think, but it's hard to not think of that disorderedly because I usually count it with my exercise totals) seems like such a no-no. Which is why it's a challenge, of course.
D also addressed the fact that my dinners are okish calorie-wise (for someone my age/height, not necessarily my activity level, insert another lecture here), but she doesn't like my food choices in the evening: not "real" enough. The reason I bring this up is because I liked her way of illustrating the point: If I invited someone over for dinner, would I serve them cereal, or Powerbars, or something like that for a meal? Of course not. This seems to go back to the whole "treating yourself like you'd treat others" issue. She acknowledged I'm a hella busy and hella broke college student, and said snacky/quick meals are okay at times, but not the majority of the time. She thinks (accurately, I suspect), that picking things that need little or no prep/creativity, and therefore little thought, are a way for me to avoid dealing with food when I am tired and lacking motivation at the end of the day. Not that I particularly feel deprived on cereal, bars, etc, I do enjoy those things and don't necessarily see yogurt and Larabars as self-punishment, but I do also see her point. Apparently anorexia took away my privilege of being an irresponsible/casual college eater.
From Formspring (I have no idea why the font is different sizes, I spent a lot of time and profanity trying to fix it and was ultimately defeated):
How tall are you?
5'7"
Are you afraid of dying?
No, I can't say that I am, honestly. Not that I want to die, but the thought doesn't really bother or scare me. I don't believe in an afterlife, and I think the idea of a permanent sleep seems pretty peaceful.
Random positive items of interest:
-My thesis adviser is AWESOME.
-Match makes me feel pretty.
-One of my favorite parts of recovery is being able to lick the knife (carefully!) when I make a peanut butter sandwich.
-I played a random game of tag with G in the yard today, and it was such a blast. It reminded me of all the times I was too tired to really play with him, besides our forced-march walks that I timed obsessively, and I am so glad that we don't live like that anymore.
8 comments:
D sounds pretty awesome- especially with the reality checks, those teensy little things in recovery that we sometimes miss...how sometimes it's not just about getting the calories in but learning to be more varied, to get out of certain safe habits (or just plain habits.)
I agree about the pb knife. I love licking off knives and spoons before they go into the sink :)
I've found that making a bunch of dinner-type food on Sunday helps me through the worst part of my week (Monday through Wednesday) in terms of dinner. Although, I will say that, by Wednesday, I'm usually pretty sick of what I'm eating.
I like what your nutritionist said about treating your own body like you would treat someone else's. That really puts an e.d. in perspective when you can't get out of disordered thoughts.
And I like licking the knife too. :)
I can see how D might have "high-road" status in this (non?)tete-a-tete, because she "won." She believed exercise was her territory, and exercise challenges are, indeed, now in her domain. It's easier to let it go when you get what you want/believe is right. Additionally, dietitians are science/data types most of the time, even if they might have a soft side sometimes, while the therapists are more apt to be maybe more inclined to the emotion components (though she should be mindful of boundaries and managing the professional treatment team relationships).
I agree that D sounds like a good find in a dietitian. As you said in your previous post, it's maddening to pay a boatload to calculate portions you could do yourself in your sleep. She seems to have a good mix of traits and finds ways to ensure an effective appointment. I like how she offered perspective and examples to go with her constructive criticism of food choices, thought patterns, etc. It makes it easier to argue/reason with yourself later when it's just you and the food, the exercise and the choices.
Sounds like you've come a long way!
It's always kind of awkward when you feel like you need to play mediator with the so-called professionals! I'm glad that at least ONE of them is "taking the high road."
<3 <3
Ha, my husband gets so mad at me when I lick knives. He thinks I'm going to slice open my mouth. Anyway, I think D has a point. I often ask myself, "Is this what I would serve someone else?" If the answer is "Um, no," then I get to thinking. There are people who are just picky (my sister is very picky, but very healthy). But, I think there is something to the idea of not wanting to put much thought/effort into food. I used to do this. It led to a phase of every meal coming from the microwave. Now, dinner is my highlight of the day. I love cooking, and I can say that what I serve myself, I would serve others (and I serve Larry, so I do serve "others" every day). It's worth exploring or experimenting, at the very least. It always gets me how recovery isn't just the appropriate calories, but the "appropriate" way of getting those calories. I eat enough to be healthy, physically, but I know I still have weird quirks and preferences that are too strong. It's a lot of learning what works...
I love this.
I also want to echo amy's suggestion of cooking on sundays. I do this too, and it is a life saver when I get home from work and would otherwise be too tired and demotivated to cook anything.
Wow, I was just skimming through and this post really stuck out to me. I'm also a busy college student trying to get my eating habits back to what most would consider "healthy" - but in the hustle of the crazy long days, it's generally bars and snack food all day and Pop Tarts for dinner. Almost every day is the same. You're right, it's not "real food" and I've never looked it it the way you described - whether or not you'd serve someone that for dinner. Really got me thinking!
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