Unfortunately, today's tears were not the result of some emotional breakthrough or insightful revelation. I wish I could say I had "seen the light" and couldn't contain the upwelling of emotion. Honestly, though, I just plain got my feelings hurt.
It came after this comment from H.: "This is hard for you to see because you're too superficial."
Godfuckingdamnit. To say that she hit a nerve would be the understatement of the century. I see superficial, shallow people around campus all the time, and I can't think of a greater insult. I run myself into the ground, both physically and mentally, every.single.day in my constant, frenetic attempts to find some meaning or purpose for my life. I have ideas, I care about people, I have goals and ambition. I am passionate. I'm the president of a very issue-oriented organization. I participate in three different peer mentoring groups on campus. I am teaching a freshman class this semester. I have designed and conducted scientific experiments, and some of my work has been published. I am a good listener when my friends need an ear. I adopted an abused dog with emotional issues and have rehabilitated him to become a beautiful, confident, loving animal (he still has his quirks, but who doesn't?). I belong to a discussion group that meets weekly to go over current science news and literature. I call my grandmother three times a week, just to chat. I have friends that are funny, caring, and interesting; I enjoy and appreciate them because of who they are, not what they wear or what they look like. If I am still "superficial," then what do I have to do to be deeper, to be complex and interesting, to have a niche and an identity? This compulsive quest--to find some way to justify my place in this world--consumes my life, trying to round out something that always seems to fall flat at the end of each long day.
But H. is a psychologist, she studies people for a living, so she should know, I guess. What are the DSM criteria for being "superficial?" I think she was trying to emphasize how the ED drowns out all other thoughts and makes you pretty single-minded about destroying yourself. Rationally, I can appreciate that. But at the time it just felt like she rammed a knife into my sorry excuse for a soul and twisted it.
Maybe this is a breakthrough after all. It's an easy explanation for the ED, right? Maybe I am nothing but a one-dimensional, superficial bimbo that just wants to be skinny. That would make everything so much simpler.
One thing that I wish someone could explain, though:
If my life is so shallow, why can't I keep myself from drowning in it?
6 comments:
Did you check it out with her or process your feelings when the knife-in-the gut brought you to tears?
I'm sure you're right about her intentions. I imagine she probably *did* mean superficial in the sense that, in this particular area of the eating disorder, you might have a myopic bias making it more difficult to see the big picture.
Probably not a global statement about your worth, the fabric of your soul, or an assessment of your resume, relationships and good works.
I'm sorry it was so tough. I would have felt the same way ... my personal "hits-home" buzzword is "selfish"/"self-centered." Don't let yourself drown in the comment of one person, even if she is your "h".
Ouch, that had to extremely hurt, and I can tell why that really upset you. I don't know the full context before or after, but I'd highly suggest talking about this at your next session and how it made you feel so hurt.
Sometimes even when therapists are trying to convey something, they do not word things well, not that I'm taking her side or anything, her choice of words could have been a lot better . One of my therapists once said how I was above other women in society and shouldn't feel that way which was completely opposite of how I felt or thought.
Hugs, hang in there.
C, wow.
This post really struck a chord with me. It made me so sad that H said that, even in a caring way - not in any way meant to harm or hurt you, but still - ouch. The truth of it is, though, that ED's do make one consumed with superficial things, but it's only so that we can drown and numb the stress of the *real* things that matter.
You are an amazing person. All you do, all you've accomplished and yet to accomplish are truly awe-inspiring. I've never met you, barely know you, but I would honestly say you may be the *least* superficial person I know. Hell, you know everything about anything! Ha! You're smart and witty and beautiful and caring. I admire you.
And I loved the pic at the end of your blog...so true. How can you be drowning if you're nto shallow? Answer: you can't. Hang in there, okay?
Thanks, y'all. I know she didn't mean it to be such a hurtful comment, which almost made me even more furious at myself for getting upset about it. Thanks for understanding about this issue.
Oh, Cammy, love-
That must have really hurt. But for all of the years I have known you, it's not a word I would EVER use to describe you. I'm sensitive to that word, too, since I'm betting where you go to school is pretty similar to the environment where I grew up.
Regardless of what H actually meant, that comment must have stung. But sometimes it's good to find out what H actually meant.
Even though I've been in therapy for about seven years, I've cried twice. And once was when my dietitian announced she was pregnant, because I had been there for all of the years of trying and miscarrying.
Hang in there, Cammy.
so sorry about that comment. I'm sure it must have hurt. Please know that I think she was talking about the disorder, not you - Ed's values and yours are very different. But regardless of her intentions, I can only imagine how much that would hurt. for what it's worth, I don't think you're superficial.
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