Long time no blog

Hey everyone, it has been forever since I updated, but last night I got back from my big jungle adventure, four weeks of biology fieldwork in Central America. It was an amazing experience and I had an awesome time. Although the point of the trip was scientific research, it gave me a chance to discover a lot about myself as well. I still haven't really organized my thoughts about everything, but I will probably have a lot of processing to do and updates/introspection on the trip will likely leak across several posts.

In a nutshell, though, trip was a sucess in several ways. I absolutely held up my end of the fieldwork, I kept up with everyone else and did more than my share of work in every task and project. No one questioned my ability, they gave me a chance to prove myself, and I think that I did.

One frustration I did have was how crappy the nutritional quality of the food was. Part of being in a developing country is that there is no Whole Foods or Fresh Market, and you pretty much eat whatever can survive a four hour drive from the nearest town and requires no refrigration once it gets to you. We had a cook at the research station, which was nice, but all meals were built around some form of white starch. Sometimes, when flour couldn't be found in any stores (which appears to happen frequently in that country), it was stale sandwich bread at every meal. I have eaten more white bread in the past month than in the past five years combined, no exaggeration. So, I was eating tons and tons of empty carbs, but I did make an effort take protein whenever I could get it. I even ate pork products, which are taboo at home. Peanut butter is one of my favorite foods in the universe, I never thought I could get tired of it, but after having it for at least two meals a day for four weeks I don't know when I'll even be able to look at the stuff again! I am so, so incredibly glad to come back to fresh produce and dairy. It definitely made me think about how much we take for granted in the U.S., I thought of all the times I've had full-blown anxiety attacks because I can't figure out which of my organic, imported, enriched, etc groceries to eat, while some people live their whole lives with almost no nutritional options whatsoever.

This trip was also my big experiment with intuitive eating. I had no scale, and no real control over what meals would be, aside from my stash of granola bars, and I was doing extremely demanding physical activity every day. It was not uncommon for us to hike up to 25 km in a day, and that was just to get to the sites. Doing a three hour hike on slippery, steep trails (when there were trails) just to get to the place where the real work starts, and then hiking back after chopping, lifting, etc for about four hours will definitely stimulate your appetite. My body was pretty much telling me that I needed to inhale enough food for a football team. And I pretty much did. Several times a day.

Despite the routine exertion, I did suspect I would put on weight while I was there, and I was concerned about that but couldn't do much about it at first. There was no way I could let myself be in an energy deficit if I wanted to make it through each day. I told myself that I'd start cutting back my last week there, and then I'd do whatever was "needed" to bring myself all the way back as soon as I returned home.

Yes, that was the ED side of me trying to grab control. The whole plan turned out to be moot, though, because a week before I left some virus swept through the research station and I spent about three days in bed, with nothing going into my body and quite a bit coming out, to say the least. After that I was so weak that there was no way I could restrict if I planned on standing upright at all during my last few days there, but my appetite/physical food tolerance were still pretty limited. I still don't know what I had, but it definitely kicked my ass, even in the airport yesterday I noticed that my stamina is not at all up to par again yet.

Of course, the first morning at home featured my first weigh-in opportunity in four weeks. The verdict: down a couple of pounds from when I departed, but nothing major. Whew, right? Dodged that bullet. Maybe? I don't know what to think. If I'd been here on my recovery weight gain plan, how much heavier would I be at this point? If I hadn't gone on the trip, I would have had zilcho motivation to make progress, so did it balance? Should it matter, when in theory I'm still supposed to be working towards continuing the trend? I really don't know what/how to think right now, still getting things sorted out.

So, today is the first day back to real life. I've restricted. I feel like crap. I want to go back to the jungle, where everything is so much less complicated.

I go to a different jungle tomorrow, ten hour drive to Major Big City to collect data for a different research project before fall classes start (talk about culture shock, from forest to metropolis in a little under 48 hours). I'll be there for about a week, then I get home and FINALLY get to retrieve G. from Doggy Jail.

More updates soon, I have uber catching up to do on emails, un/re-packing, etc, but I'll try to get another post in soon.