She's obviously lost a significant amount of weight since she returned from treatment. She doesn't look good. We don't discuss ED issues that much, neither of us are good at bringing it up. The shared ED struggles are something that has bonded us, but it's not what our friendship is based upon. We know we have similar past and present struggles and we don't constantly consult each other on how we're doing at the moment. I think both of us are very conscientious about trying not to trigger each other, sometimes overly cautious.
I really want to approach her about this, to let her know that I'm concerned, remind her of how hard she worked in treatment, how much she has achieved and conquered, and how she deserves so much better than anything this damn disease will ever allow her. But I know from experience how seductive the ED is, how it calls you back and nothing anyone says can drown out that voice.
But I can't just stand by silently and watch her kill herself, either. She is way too intelligent, funny, and all around incredible for this bullshit. I know that I can't do anything to save her, but I can at least let her know that I care, that I understand, etc....I don't know. Advice, please?
How is she supposed to take me seriously when I'm not really doing fantastic either? Despite being one year younger than me, she has been through much more extensive treatment/therapy than I have, has had much more substantial recovery periods, etc, I'm still kind of a rookie at therapy and this whole "reclaiming your life from ED" endeavor. She would probably be entirely justified in telling me to quit being a hypocrite, buzz the hell off and go mind my own self-destructive business.
I am just feeling kind of conflicted about the best course of action here. Yes, I'm sure there are other people concerned about her and that I'm not the only friend that has noticed the decline, but I feel like because I struggle with the same issues I almost have a responsibility to do something, since I have an insight into what it's really like to live that way. I have no illusions about the futility of trying to "rescue" someone from an ED. I know from plenty of personal experience that it is something has to come wholly from within yourself. I just want to try to remind her that she is something worth fighting for, even if I can't fight the battle for her.
It's like the blind leading the blind, I suppose. You know neither one of you can wave a wand pull a "let there be light" miracle, but if you stick together it makes the darkness a little less intimidating.
3 comments:
It's always hard when you are in a situation where a friend has an Ed, has spiraled downhill, relapsed, etc. There is always a hint of caution and wanting to hnadle things gingerly. But I think K. really might want and need this. Maybe she is having a hard time bringing it up herself. Maybe ask yourself, would you regret not saying anything to her?I seriously don't think she'd think you were being hypocrtical.
Though both of you may be "blind," you're both learning together the process, and with that any support is helpful.
This is so difficult, C. I'm in the same boat as you. My BFF, W, has been struggling tremendously lately, and just recently went IP. Before she went in, she was living with me, I was practically babysitting her, and it was so hard, both emotionally and ED-related. I've been talking to her since she's been IP (it's only been a week) and she is still not doing well, is being manipulative and stubborn, and I'm so frustrated she's wasting the 45 days that her insurance will pay...and it's so detrimental for me, in fact, that my T and I recently made the decision that for now, until she's in a better place, I'm not going to be in contact with her.
So, being a good friend is so important, but I hope that you don't let it trigger you or effect your recovery in any way.
Thanks for the feedback, it means a lot.
Tiptoe: I know that if roles were flipped I would never think of her as being hypocritical if she tried to give me advice, so I will try to keep that in mind. Thanks, as always, for the advice, I owe you an e-mail soon, need some doggy advice.
Brie: Wow, that is incredibly difficult, I'm so sorry that she is struggling and that it is also putting you in a hard position. I think it's really good that you and your T agreed that it's not healthy for you to have to try to take care of her. I know that removing yourself from contact has to be a hard decision, but you can't help anyone if you're being dragged down in the process, and no one can help someone who's not ready. Thanks for the advice, and hang in there, again I'm sorry about W.
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