Travel regression

Well, I made it through the conference. I had an awesome time, and got multiple grad school offers, I am psyched. I got to have a beer with one of my science celebrity idols, and I heard all kinds of hilarious stories about my adviser from people who went to grad school with him decades ago. For the most part I did really well with eating, up until today. Exercise was still solidly in the disordered range, but I didn't lose any weight during this conference, which is an accomplishment considering how the last ones have gone.

Today I did restrict, because after I fly back south tomorrow I'm going to visit some friends from high school. Even though I have wonderful, compassionate, all around terrific friends, for some reason when I got back to that town, to that crowd, I automatically switch back into mega-ED mode. It's like I almost feel obligated to fill the role I played for the entire time they knew me back in high school. I don't blame it on them at all, they are all great. A couple of them know that I'm finally seeing a psychologist, and they have been incredibly supportive. Still . . . I wonder if they expect me to show up having gained a ton of weight? I am not any more than the last time they saw me, but will they see me as bigger just because they expect to? Why the hell does it matter, when I know that they are friends with me, not the number on my scale?

I should be focusing on staying strong because I leave for my fieldwork in Central American Country in a little over a week. . .but I can't shake the anxiety of going back into the Hot Zone where I spent the worst years of my ED, it's like I shift into autopilot, the ED is my default. I painted myself into a corner in high school, I literally was afraid to eat in public even at times when I wanted to do better, because I felt like it would bring unwanted attention if I acted in a way that people didn't expect (ie if I ate). Going away to college really helped me break through a lot of behaviors (I can now eat in public with now problem, things like that), but it's like as soon as I cross back over the state line I instantly regress.

I need to go pack my stuff and get sleep. The walls in this motel are paper thin, and my neighbors are smoking and watching something that does not exactly sound like the Disney channel. To wrap up: conference = success, jury is out on the second leg of my trip.