Resume

A thought provoking issue came up during my last T session. We were talking about reasons that I feel obligated to keep myself underweight, and one thing that came up is that I'm not all that confident that people will take me seriously if there isn't some physical signal that I am an intense, high drive person. This is not attention-seeking, I really hate the assumption that EDs are all about garnering sympathy and attention, that couldn't be farther from the truth. In all of my years with anorexia, 99% of the time I have really wished that everyone would just butt out and leave me to my own devices when it came to living with the disorder.

So, not attention-seeking, but almost . . . just a way to make myself feel more valid, because I am not only capable of having ideas, solving problems, etc, but that on top of all my classes, work hours, organizations, etc, I can also take myself to another level physically. I know I can perform in academics, work, and everything else, but I don't really feel secure enough in that to let it be "it," I've got to go searchign for that next physical level as well. In this case, that "other level" is a piss-poor way of life, but it's still something a way for me to see tangible results from efforts, so it gives a seductive pseudo-payoff.

Anyway, my T offered a comment that really made me stop and think. When I mentioned that the ED sometimes makes me feel as though staying underweight is a badge of strength, perseverence, whatever, her response was: "Would you put your anorexia on a resume?"

My knee-jerk reaction was "Hell no!" I am applying to grad school soon and have been obsessing over my resume for months, so this was a very pertinent way to frame the issue. Of course I wouldn't present it as an attribute to potential professors/employers. I am a biology student, and all of my research interests involve field research, which requires both mental and physical endurance. That means that professors don't want no XX pound weaklings, and they don't want someone who has demonstrated a pathological problem with regulating basic bodily requirements. They have a lot at stake (time, money, professional advancement) when they take a grad student into their research program, and having an eating disorder is definitely not something I would tag myself with during the application process (which is the main reason this blog is anonymous).

I think the way my T framed the issue helped me to gain a better perspective on how the ED can distort our views on who is in control (disorder vs person), and what that control symbolizes. If something is truly an attribute, wouldn't you want to bring it to everyone's attention, especially future employers? Being in an unrealistic, unhealthy physical state doesn't signal strength, either figuratively or literally. It does signify something (it's different for everyone, and I'm still working on what that is for me), but not necessarily something that we should aspire to or cling to. I think that was my light-bulb moment of this week's session, it has definitely been something I've gone back to when making various decisions about behaviors over the past few days.

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