Forgive me, body, for I have sinned. I wish I could say that I know not what I do, but the thing is, I do. I know exactly what I do, I know all the reasons I shouldn't, but I do it anyway. Knowing the "what" has never been the issue, it's the "why" that has always eluded me.
Crimes over the past 48 hours:
-Yesterday some majorly stressful things happened, and I vented anxiety by adding quite a bit to my usual exercise. I really felt the effects this morning, but didn’t decrease today’s workout load any to make up for it.
-I wasn’t honest with my nutritionist today.
-Today I way over-caffeinated (I'm not supposed to have any caffeine at all, it freaks my heart out) to make up for not sleeping well this past week, I've just had a lot on my mind and haven't been able to quiet thoughts enough to sleep.
-I ran into a friend at the food court on campus, and ended up eating just the salad I had bought and not the other food I’d packed, because I was too self-conscious about eating 'real food' in front of him.
Basically, I seem to have had a sudden plunge in recovery motivation, and I need to get a grip. For the past week I have been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of reasoning, a lot of trying to convince myself that it’s time to just cut the shit and do this, kick it forever and get on with my life. I just want to live free, that’s all in the world that I want. That’s how I’ve been feeling recently, at least.
I’m not sure why, but after my nutritionist appt today I really didn’t care. All of the sudden I just felt so ambivalent about everything, very un-proactive. I think it is because I had a busy day, several meetings and appointments, and it reminded me that I am indeed making it, in spite of the disorder. I can live like this, right? I’ve been doing it for years. I’m involved in tons of things, I get lots accomplished, and I haven’t been above this weight since middle school, so isn’t it obviously working for me? Ha.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not in denial that I have an ED. I know that right now I am really not living, just surviving. There is a difference. I am disgusted with the amount of time that I throw away, and the fact that I have taken a healthy, athletic body and taken it for granted, used and abused it beyond the point of recognition. I know that I can’t do this forever. Actually, I know that I probably can do this for a very long time, but I don’t want to anymore. I know there is a lot out there that I am missing. I am at that stage right now where I desperately want to be better, but I am still balking at the idea of letting go, if that makes sense. I don’t want to gain weight, I don’t know how to give up my workout routines, I’m just kind of floundering around, banging on the glass walls of the disease but afraid to really break through.
So, this week hasn’t gone that great. I swore to myself that I’d start to make major changes and really get my act together in June, but so far that hasn’t really happened. I probably deserve penance, but I think that ED transgressions are self-destructive enough to be punishment in themselves. What to do? Do. That is the key, I think. Just do it, make the decisions that we know are right, even when it feels alien and intimidating and anxiety-inducing. It’s hard as hell to let go, but when I look at the pseudolife that anorexia allows me to have, I have to wonder…as scary as recovery seems, what do I really have to lose?
3 comments:
Oh, Cammy. I saw that you'd linked to my blog so I came over to your website to check it out -- and of course the first thing I saw was this post. I applaud you for your bravery in talking about such a difficult subject, and I hope you continue to do better.
You're right -- sometimes it's hard to let go of old habits. But you're also right in that in ONLY GETS BETTER. Your life can be so much better than it is right now, once you stop obsessing so much about how little you're eating and how long you need to exercise in order to burn it off.
Best of luck to you.
I think we've all had moments like that when we are gung-ho on recovery, and then get cold feet, thinking it is unobtainable, that this is just all there is, that we simply don't give a rat's a$$. But then, we have to remind ourselves if this is really the life we want. You already know the answer to that.
Try not to be hard on yourself. There are many moments like this along the way. Each one, I know you can get through, learn from, and continue on into recovery.
Hello Cammy,
Your post drew me in (I caught it on the ED Blog Digest.)
What helps me when I start thinking "I've lived like this for this long, what's a little longer" is that life is SO much better when I am not living like this. I've had tastes of what life with an ED is like and I want that too much to give in for long. I've struggled too long and too hard to give up.
Keep up the good fight!
jeanne
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