Body Image Factors

I am always amazed at how dramatically perceptions and feelings about size, body image, etc can change within a day, or even within a few hours.

I started out today feeling big(ish). I haven't put on any weight this week, and I just had my weekly appointment with my psychologist yesterday (from here on I'm going to refer to her as "T," just for the sake of brevity and privacy), so I should have been in a better state of mind. Should have, but wasn't, that's been a common theme for years.

Why the "fat feeling?" I think it is because I did make a small increase in my calories earlier this week, and yesterday I noticed that I had more energy than usual. I got in from the evening walk with the dog my legs weren't feeling like rubber and my hands weren't shakey. Good news, right? The thing is, although intellectually I know it's good news, the change felt strange. It was noticeable enough that it felt like something was missing. I was missing that feeling of almost cleansing fatigue, strung out, pushedtotheedge and running on pure adrenaline.

That feeling, my friends, is 100% ED, and the fact that I am moving towards pulling out of that zone is something I should be proud of. I am proud of it, in a way, but it still feels a little awkward . Once feeling like shit becomes your default mode, it is a strange experience when you begin to come out of it, almost disorienting.

So anyway, this morning I was feeling relatively strong, and it did affect my eating today. I didn't specifically cut meals, but I did cut corners in a few significant areas, rounded down on many calorie tallies instead of giving myself the benefit of the doubt and rounding up on things, which is something I've been working on.

My summer job involves driving to another part of the state every Friday and Saturday to do biological field surveys, which involves a lot of exertion in the heat. I live in the south, and the temperature and humidity are intense this time of year. I should have eaten better, and I should not have done even more exercise once I got back to the hotel this evening . . .but I was really craving that exhaustion. I needed a hit of endorphins, I guess. And once I reached that fatigue state, I "felt" much thinner. It was almost like being worn out was the indicator my brain needed to tell me that my body was ok, as long as it is depleted then I can be comfortable with it. Yes, I realize how skewed that is, but it doesn't make the feeling go away. I know intellectually that my weight did not change significantly during the course of this one day, but my feelings about it shifted drastically just due to my energy level. I have been working with T on identifying factors that affect body perception, and I definitely think this is a big one for me. Somewhere along the line I subconsciously decided that if I didn't feel completely worn out then I must not have worked hard enough.

Just as a side note, I actually think that the "endorphin addiction" approach to eating disorders reflects my experiences pretty closely (see this book, it's dated but the ideas are still interesting). Last semester I wrote my medical anthropology term paper on biological predispositions to eating disorders, and I spent a big chunk of the paper on the addiction approach to ED etiology.

So anyway, back to the main topic of this ramble. I think one of the most common misconceptions about eating disorders is that they make people see themselves as fat, even as they move past "skinny" and into emaciation. That has not been my experience at all, and I think it is fairly common for body image to fluctuate--within days or even hours-- according to any number of external factors. Yes, somedays I "feel fat," even when I know that I am technically underweight. But there are also days in which I am able to percieve how unhealthy my weight is, I can catch a glimpse of myself in a window and think "damn, Cammy, you need to get this under control." I am fully aware of the medical dangers, and it does get scary . . . but making changes, letting go of a lifestyle that has been part of me for eight years, ever since I was thirteen . . . that is even scarier, and that cognitive dissonance, seeing danger but simultaneously embracing it, is a manifestation the ED.

This turned out to be much longer than I intended, conciseness is not one of my strong points. The main point I am attempting to address is that the idea that all anorexics always see themselves as fat is a major public misconception, as most ED sufferers undoubtedly already know. There are so many different factors involved in our perceptions of our bodies, and this can create a roller coaster of body image, with hills and valleys that correlate to moods, social settings, energy levels, anxiety levels, the list goes on and on, and it's different for every individual. I think it's crucial for us to be aware of what contributes to our feelings about our size and shape, in order to develop rational coping strategies to deal with the inevitable days when body image takes a plunge and we're tempted to let the ED behaviors sneak back in.