Trapped

Having a sort of low period right now with exercise/food stuff. By sort of I might mean really.  By really I mean a two days of alternating between choking up when thinking about it and feeling completely blank, bleak, and apathetic about it. I.don't.know.the.way.out.

I think that while I'm living on my own, in full-blast work mode during the semester, I lose sight of how extreme or atypical some of my behaviors get. Now that I'm home, co-habitating with real live normal people, it's sort of an eye opener. This stuff is frustrating for my family and for me, and at the same time I just can't let things go, and I feel like shit physically all the time (not sure why this just kicked in, maybe I was too busy to notice it before, maybe a few days of bad eating on the trip down here are still affecting me). Most of all, I hate that my mind is not in a place that lets me be the girlfriend/daughter/granddaughter/sister that I really want to be. I hate that Match even has to think about things like this, at our stage of life:

Leaving tomorrow to visit Match at his place for a few days, then he and I are coming back here (to my parents' house, have I updated since I did the big move from PhD City?) for Christmas together. I'm so, so nervous about how I'm going to handle food/exercise stuff on such a long visit schedule.

I really think the only word I can come up with that can organize my feelings at the moment is just "trapped."

Holiday break commences

To give you an idea of how the past week or so has gone, the last thing Match said to me tonight was: "I really need you to believe that everything will be okay."

Holy holiday stress.  FYI I'm now out of PhD City (miss it already) and with family for the break before I leave for Tropical Research Country. Cue all of the adjustment anxiety to sharing a kitchen, being around a loud group of young men (dad plus two teenage brothers) and three cats plus two dogs plus a house I've never lived in before in a town to which I tie only unhealthy associations.

It WILL be okay, though.

Glorious...not

Because I have a huge deadline today, of course I'm going to do as many consecutive blog posts as I've done in the last month.

My leg has been feeling a lot better for a week or more, so I tried running again today for the first time in about a month.  I was relieved to see that my stamina/running fitness didn't seem to be at all decreased.  The leg was a bit sore but not outright painful, although I'll wait at least a week before testing it again.  But my other knee did hurt. Telling myself it's just because my legs are tight from not running for a while. Oh and I'm on pill placebo week and get really gawdawful cramps, so it felt like a truck was sitting on my uterus for the entire run.  Oh and I wore three layers on my top half but just one light layer on my bottom half, so I had a sweaty back and possibly frostbitten thighs.

So I pretty much feel wrecked. But other than that, it was GLORIOUS.

Love y'all.

"How People Change"

So this op-ed has nothing to do, on the surface, with eating disorders, but the last bit of it  resonated with me in the framework of recovery (from EDs or any number of other issues). The main message is: support and reward, don't judge and penalize.  Brooks aims his points as advice on how to deal with other people, but I think many of us would benefit from applying the same principles to ourselves. Clip:

People don’t behave badly because they lack information about their shortcomings. They behave badly because they’ve fallen into patterns of destructive behavior from which they’re unable to escape.

Strategy Flop, Body Hunger, etc

Calories = boosted two days in a row.  Body = oblivious as far as hunger/fullness/energy goes, but oh well, baby steps.

Remember my wise strategy of making a plan the night before so I wouldn't have to decide what to eat in the moment? Well I failed to double check that I actually had those ingredients in my kitchen, so had to overhaul it on the fly anyway yesterday morning. Wise strategy indeed. I survived, though, imagine that.

Leg = just as busted feeling as ever. UGH, damn you Jiffy Pop bones.

I think this is one of the first weekends of the semester when I've done zero Going Out or socializing at all, but last week I went out 5 nights in a row (!)(there was an election to celebrate!), so I really needed the recharge time and I have enough work to keep me plenty occupied.

I'm still getting used to my new adviser. He is great in a lot of ways, but is also stretched in a lot of directions and sometimes I can't even tell if I think he likes me.  Oh well.  My lab and department are great, and this adviser is definitely the right guy for me to be working with for the research I want to do. Still prepping my application for a megabig grant and I go back and forth between thinking I have no hope and thinking there's no way they can not fund this amazing project I'm cooking up. So we'll see.

Someone commented on an earlier post asking what I meant by "body hunger." When I say that I mean that I don't feel a hunger pain or tummy rumble, but my body just feels sort of depleted, drained, empty.  I usually feel it in my legs and head the most. I've lost a lot of stomach-hunger cues over the course of my ED, they are hyper unreliable, and I often feel it in other parts of my body first.  And then again sometimes my stomach feels empty after a big meal.  Clearly, my body and I have some communication issues.

Happy weekend, love y'all.

Lists, Sloppy Kisses, and Daenerys Dopplegangers

So Day One of Project Suck It Up and Boost Your Damn Calories didn't go so hot today.  I made the mistake of telling myself I'd add more calories without actually making an implementation plan.  So at every meal I sort of thought about it, got indecisive about what to add, and gave up.  BUT tomorrow will be different, because I already made a point of writing down what I will add when, so I won't have to try to make that call 'in the moment' tomorrow. Historically, this is a much more effective strategy for me.

Cammy mantra: When in doubt, make a list.

Further, I have to give Match props for knowing exactly how to call on my logical side to propel me along without being overly pushy.

Example: Today when he asked me how adding cals had gone. I told him the truth, but that I planned to add X tomorrow.

Match: That's great. But do you think that amount is enough?
Me: I'm not sure. It's easier for me to step it up in increments.
Match:  That makes sense.  But you only have two months before you leave for [Tropical Research Country].  If someone was trying to lose that much weight in that amount of time, do you think you'd recommend they only cut as many calories as you're adding?
Me: Well...umm...okay I get your point. Damnit [Match]...

I don't think I've mentioned this, but Match has actually lost a TON of weight over the last 5 months or so. He had gained a good bit in his Master's program and now he's slimmed back down to exactly what he weighed when we started dating.  It makes me feel weird sometimes when we're out to eat, knowing that in some ways his diet is more restrictive than mine (more in terms of content than amount; he made big efforts with his sugar intake and I have an unabashed sweet tooth).  But, unlike most people that are trying to lose weight, he doesn't obsess over it out loud all the time or even bring it up overtly, and overall I think that seeing him make changes for the better has helped remind me that that's the same way I need to approach getting healthier (in my own direction) too.

And now for something lighter because I feel the need to compensate when I have multiple heavy posts in a row, I bring you a superfluous cute animal picture:

Newest song on my recovery playlist (PLEASE don't judge me because it's Christina Aguilera. Doesn't she look like Daenerys from 'Game of Thrones' in the cover art, btw?).

I can't believe this semester is almost over. I can't even believe this week is almost over.  That whole time speeding up as you age thing is so real it's scary.

I can't even believe this day is going to be over in 20 minutes, and that means I have to wake up in 5.333 hours. Gnight, love y'all.

Seasonal Shift

I think the winter blues are coming to get me again.  Then again, I don't feel depressed and sad so much as just exhausted and darker and a bit incapable of...I'm not even sure what.  I still love it here. I just feel like I'm not on top of my game.

Which is probably objective as well as subjective. The not on top of my gameness, I mean.  Match broached the subject of my weight/health with me today.  I don't think it comes through in photos right now because I tend to be wearing a good number of clothes/layers, but my weight is the lowest it's been since before I graduated from college. I think Match realizes he's in more of a position to see the warning signs than anyone else and is starting to feel worried about it. My heart is acting up occasionally again, although instead of the constant pain/aches I used to have it's more like distinct, short flutters that make me jump and then are over just as fast. That has happend around Match a time or two and it scares the shit out of him, understandably.  My eating also hasn't been great at all on our last couple of visits.  So, yes, overall I'm putting him in an incredibly difficult position and I feel incredibly bad about it.

Aside from Match visits I'm eating my "standard", and although I'm almost never stomach-hungry, I feel like I spend a ton of time "body hungry" but... I guess I just lack the appetite or motivation to do much about it.  The thought of increasing my food while also decreasing overall exercise (not that I'm actually DOING that, just the thought of it makes it feel scary enough to be real, see how fucked the whole thing is?) and losing my running completely (again) (no improvement in my bum leg at all)...I just get the "wtf are you kidding" reaction in my head and then feel too exhausted to process it any further. I know I'm not performing as well as I could right now, in terms of work and productivity, although I'm getting by just fine.  I don't like settling for just fine, though, and I'm so frustrated with myself.

On that note, all I really want to do right now is sleep, signing off.