I think that while I'm living on my own, in full-blast work mode during the semester, I lose sight of how extreme or atypical some of my behaviors get. Now that I'm home, co-habitating with real live normal people, it's sort of an eye opener. This stuff is frustrating for my family and for me, and at the same time I just can't let things go, and I feel like shit physically all the time (not sure why this just kicked in, maybe I was too busy to notice it before, maybe a few days of bad eating on the trip down here are still affecting me). Most of all, I hate that my mind is not in a place that lets me be the girlfriend/daughter/granddaughter/sister that I really want to be. I hate that Match even has to think about things like this, at our stage of life:
Leaving tomorrow to visit Match at his place for a few days, then he and I are coming back here (to my parents' house, have I updated since I did the big move from PhD City?) for Christmas together. I'm so, so nervous about how I'm going to handle food/exercise stuff on such a long visit schedule.
I really think the only word I can come up with that can organize my feelings at the moment is just "trapped."
3 comments:
I'm so sorry things are so rough right now. Feeling upset and also feeling blank are very difficult. The routine part is hard because alone, it "normalizes" so easily. Sometimes it takes a strong contrast to really see what's going on. I really hope you have a good time with Match and that maybe you'll be able to break free from some of the behaviors. Hang in there, thinking about you!
THis is such hard stuff. I hate that you are struggling so much and feeling so trapped. I won't put on my therapist's hat and go all preachy on you, but this illness takes an incredible toll on your mind AND body. As you probably know, I am suffering a lot of pretty horrible physical effects from having starved my body for so long, and I'm even a few years younger than you. It's hard to feel a sense of urgency when there aren't any immediate consequences, but it scares me a lot to think about how long yo've been struggling with this and how much unseen damage could be happening. Eek, sorry, I don't mean to be alarmist, but I care about you a lot and don't want to see anything bad happen. Let Match spoil you rotten this week and let him express how scared he probably is too. I am thinking of you and rooting for you every step of the way.
I agree with Kaylee--let him help you. He seems very helpful at helping you sort out the real you from the ED. Be honest and let him know how you feel and how he can help. Read past posts where you were able to enjoy time with him because you either ignored or shared your ED voice, and try your hardest! Lots of love...I know it is so tough at the holidays and during transition times like you're in.
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