I think the winter blues are coming to get me again. Then again, I don't feel depressed and sad so much as just exhausted and darker and a bit incapable of...I'm not even sure what. I still love it here. I just feel like I'm not on top of my game.
Which is probably objective as well as subjective. The not on top of my gameness, I mean. Match broached the subject of my weight/health with me today. I don't think it comes through in photos right now because I tend to be wearing a good number of clothes/layers, but my weight is the lowest it's been since before I graduated from college. I think Match realizes he's in more of a position to see the warning signs than anyone else and is starting to feel worried about it. My heart is acting up occasionally again, although instead of the constant pain/aches I used to have it's more like distinct, short flutters that make me jump and then are over just as fast. That has happend around Match a time or two and it scares the shit out of him, understandably. My eating also hasn't been great at all on our last couple of visits. So, yes, overall I'm putting him in an incredibly difficult position and I feel incredibly bad about it.
Aside from Match visits I'm eating my "standard", and although I'm almost never stomach-hungry, I feel like I spend a ton of time "body hungry" but... I guess I just lack the appetite or motivation to do much about it. The thought of increasing my food while also decreasing overall exercise (not that I'm actually DOING that, just the thought of it makes it feel scary enough to be real, see how fucked the whole thing is?) and losing my running completely (again) (no improvement in my bum leg at all)...I just get the "wtf are you kidding" reaction in my head and then feel too exhausted to process it any further. I know I'm not performing as well as I could right now, in terms of work and productivity, although I'm getting by just fine. I don't like settling for just fine, though, and I'm so frustrated with myself.
On that note, all I really want to do right now is sleep, signing off.
3 comments:
I'm sorry winter is hitting you hard. And I'm also sorry to hear that things are difficult and scary in the weight/food/exercise area. I'm glad Match felt comfortable speaking up. I know the whole eating more and exercising less part is terrifying and stressful, but maybe not thinking about it all at once and just taking baby steps might help? Just sort of a "one foot in front of the other" and making one little change at a time will help you to get back on track health-wise. Just a thought. Anyway, take care, and I hope things with your mood and health improve!
What is "body hungry"? Thanks.
Oof, winter blues are hitting me hard to. Be nice to yourself, but don't let yourself get away with the ED stuff. [That was always a tough thing for me-- do something that comforts you, with the caveat that it NOT be destructive. Hmm.]
How're you grants going? I emailed you but wasn't sure if you checked the acct associated with this or not, but in case you didn't just wanted to say i'm rooting for you t here!
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