I faltered a little with the exercise challenge on Monday, then had a Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Body Image Day yesterday and pretty much blew it off. I shaved off a little bit for convenience, but nothing really significant.
So I was bracing myself for a thrashing from C today. But she surprised me. I have griped before that I feel like she's only focused on behavior and doesn't seem to let me process thoughts as much as I would like. But she totally talked me through the thoughts behind a Fat Day and other things on my mind today. I don't feel like she completely let me off for not meeting my challenge (I am now assigned to cut 50% for 4 of the next 7 days til I see her again), but she seemed to understand that I needed to address the struggle points if I was going to be able to step back into the ring and try again.
Session with D was also good. She is the queen of super-astute analogies. I felt like I was kind of muddling my way through, a little bit, trying to explain what's on my mind regarding body, recovery, food, everything. I'm in a tough spot right now: in between clothing sizes, one foot in and one foot out of commitment to reducing exercise, dealing with body self-consciousness in whole new ways.
Usually the "message of the day" is some very insightful piece of wisdom or advice that C or D imparts ot me. But I will give myself credit, today the line that has been replaying in my head ever since I left the office was one of my own. It surprised me when I said it, but the more I weigh it in my mind and introspect on it, the more I believe it:
"If I could snap my fingers and go back to weighing X* right now, I wouldn't do it."
And it's true. I may not be totally comfortable with every new step I take forward, but being temporarily uncomfortable in this new/healthy body beats the hell out of dying in my old one.
Just sayin'.
*X = a very low and unhealthy weight, although not as low as my rock bottom
EDIT: There was a slight delay in this post appearing on the blog feed, so "today" refers to Wednesday, Jan 13.
6 comments:
awesome!!!!
Glad to hear you had two great appts., though they drained you. Sometimes, those are the best.
Bravo on coming up with this new saying. It rocks as you are doing!
Definitely a sign of progressing truly not wanting to go back to that weight!! :)! I think that was also a big realization point for me when I was like, you know what- I'm not tempted to think of myself as weighing X again- because I know how I've only ever been miserable there!
Good luck Cammy! Your treatment team sounds very supportive!
C! This post made me so happy. So happy you have a kick-A treatment team, and so happy that you were able to think that ohsoamazing thought. you rock my socks.
This is a huge step. I realized recently that I've come to think this way too. I really have no interest in going back to my sick weight. I'm uncomfortable as I gain (and I've been having some gaining stresses and body image issues lately...post to come?), but I really don't want to go back. It leaves me confused, and just hoping that the discomfort passes. I'm sure it will...
Very inspirational! I'm looking forward to following your blog. If you really stop to think about it--no one cares what we weigh. If we're X lbs with X=very low weight, it's us who're constantly freezing, miserable, alone, scared, depressed and in danger of losing our lives. Everyone else just goes on with their life while we imagine them caring about what we weigh, eat, look like etc...Strange thing, the human brain. )
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