Speaking of such, my head is overflowing right now. I am starting grad school this week, and am quickly becoming overwhelmed. And it is not because the courses or research are too hard. My classload is actually much lighter than anything I ever had as an undergrad, and although I'm writing grants I already have a good nest egg of research funding. I don't have to teach this semester, so in theory it should be less stressful than my undergrad schedule.
But while the student stuff is easily manageable, the professional/community side have thrown a wrench in my lifestyle, and it is becoming increasingly obvious that I am going to have to make some lifestyle changes if I am going to keep up with this. It is expected that grad students maintain a presence on campus most days, in addition to participating in a lot of other things. It's hard to explain why exactly this is stressing me, because it's not that I don't want to be involved. I love this stuff, and these kind of people. And it's not as if I never left my house as an undergrad and this is a shock to my system, because I was way over-involved and busy with tons of organizations. It's just hard to explain right now.
I think a big thing is that over the summer my eating/exercise routines have become more and more rigid, and now that I am facing actual obligations that interfere with my cemented daily patterns, I'm sort of freaking out.
Most of this pressure is actually social, not academic. I know that it's the first week, so everyone is in meet & greet mode, but it seems like there are two social events every night. I have been incredibly lonely here, so I want to get out and meet people. I want to, but at the same time the anxiety over breaking my routines is killer. I feel so ridiculous.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but the fact that I can't walk to campus in this town is a huge source of all this anxiety. That was a nontrivial source of exercise for me as an undergrad (I lived close enough to walk but far enough away that it was significant). Now that I am commuting in a vehicle, I am going nuts trying to figure out how I'm going to compensate for that energy. I feel like I have to add yet another workout on top of everything else I do, at the same time that I am facing less and less opportunities to steal away and exercise. My mind has been this constant swirl of logistics and planning on how I can use every spare moment of the day to squeeze in a work out, or how much food I will have to slash if I don't. I am trying to work out my schedule for each day of the week in my head, I don't know why it's so important for me to know EXACTLY when I will do X, Y, or Z every day. Not knowing how I will fit everything in is making me crazy.
So, all of this has been stressful, to say the least. But I think it is serving as an eye-opener for me, too. My life style and relationships as an undergrad were built around the scaffold of my eating disorder. I was much better than high school, but I guess I hadn't realized how significant everything was until I was pulled out of my comfort zone. Like one of those rats that finds itself awakened and plopped into a maze with the harsh lights shining on it, dazed and lost and a little bit suspicious.
I don't want to be the person that rushes home from class to work out instead of being in the office interacting with people. I don't want to be the person home alone every night while other people are having barbecues at the beach, just so she can have the same dinner she's been eating every night for years. I don't want to be the person running on 4 hours of sleep every night because she has to wake up so early to work out for hours before her first class. I don't want to be the person that is too busy mentally calculating calories during class to fully engage with the discussion. I don't want to be the person that can't do intramural sports or club hiking trips because she has neither the time nor the energy after doing her standard exercise.
I want to be a real person. After observing the other girls/women at orientation, I saw lots of examples of people who seem to be getting much more out of life than I am right now, and it gave me a lot to think about.
So, a challenge I have been contemplating is to cut out the morning workout that is supposed to be the equivalent of walking to class. (I have already added this, over the summer, because I wasn't going back and forth to campus, the issue is not having time for it anymore now that classes are starting). This would be a huge challenge, in both resisting the workout urge and trying not to adjust my calories to negate it. That is something I'm going to work on this week, though.
My alarm is going off in a little over 5 hours, so I need to go. Thanks again to everyone. Also, I have been tagged twice for the Honest Scrap award, I promise I am not ignoring it! I will probably never be tagged for anything again due to my slowness. Things have been hectic, but am thankful for the tags and will be on that the next change I get.
9 comments:
Oh my goodness. Your whole situation sounds ridiculously stressful. I can't imagine what that's like.
Remember that, at the end of the day, you are there to get the education you need. The first few weeks will be about survival - they always are. But I have a feeling you will be able to make it through and get to a place where you are not only functioning but thriving.
You said it yourself -- you want to be a real person. For me, I've had to think about what I really, really want in life. And then I have to prioritize. I've made my anorexia #1 for a long time. I've sacrificed relationships and many other things to go for my mandatory walk or do my mandatory yoga routine or have my "safe" meal. It makes me sad to think about it. I know those things are part of a disease so I try to accept that, then return to the question of what I WANT. You don't have to give up everything. That would be too overwhelming. But, maybe start asking yourself what you want your life to look like in this new place, with new people and circumstances. I would love to read a post about that -- what you want your life to look like. You can still find time for some exercise. I'm confident in that. I think the thing is that we turn to exercise and restricting when we're stressed during times of change. So, letting go NOW of all times is super hard. Don't be too hard on yourself. It takes anyone time to adjust and prioritize. I think you'll figure out what really works for you.
Cammy,
It's like one of my new favorite quotes: There is no progress without struggle.
My T tells me that I'll know I'm working hard when I feel it. Right now, I'm wrestling with the demons that come with eating anything "not planned" or somehow perceived as "extra." It shakes me to my core- not just the fear itself but also that I'm so freaking scared of such a (relatively) small thing.
You have lots of good motivation, and hold onto those things when the ED voice gets really loud. I hold onto things, too, like travel and getting a place of my own. Friends are better than ED.
Hang in there, Cammy. I've got your back.
I realize what a big step this is for you, to even contemplate something. I am really impressed. And I really REALLY believe you can make this change. And if you don't succeed the first day, just keep trying. It WILL happen for you. You are determined and brave--look at everything that you've been able to accomplish. Let your real mind, your real logic override your ED logic.
I just ate 1/2 of a dessert without prompting yesterday. It was only the second time that has ever happened (the last time was in March.) Miracles happen...
I really encourage you to meet that challenge of cutting out the morning workout. What you describe (the exercise, the mentally calculating calories...) reminds me of not-so-far-past versions of me. I hope that you will have such a desire to be a "real person" that grad school will push you so hard that you just can't help but to challenge yourself to make some changes. It's worth it. Think about what YOU truly want and what is holding you back. It's not worth it to live constrained food/exercise regimens. You can still exercise (a normal amount) and you can still eat food you prefer (to a moderate degree), but don't miss out on conversations and on opportunities for involvmeent. Push yourself to be the person you want to be!
Two things: I'm still not recovered from how many social functions I had to attend at the beginning of the last school year (and they start again next weekend, eek!).
Second, I'm in grad school for writing, and the number one complaint of my classmates is "There's never enough time to write!" because of all the other obligations we're supposed to meet. Ridiculous, eh?
Grad school is weird (but also awesome). Here's to a happy/strong start of a new year!
It only makes sense you would feel your internal freak-out meter nearing the tilt ... eating disorder behaviors and exercise have been your coping skills for a long time, and you are in a situation that requires lots of coping. Change, stress, new people, situations.
The rigidity of ED rules try to control the fear and chaos of things. But you don't have to bow to those default settings for coping.
I think it's great you've decided to cut out the morning workout. If you can let yourself "just go with it" ... whatever "it" might be in the moment ... the commute, a social event, an academic event, change in schedule, unknowns ... if you can allow yourself to walk through it, you may find a natural adaptation emerging.
If you don't squelch your other reactions/response mechanisms/coping options with exercise, restriction or ED thinking, you may find you have it in you to manage this with less anxiety than you imagined. Just doing so adds evidence and confidence to just that ability. Once you face a fear and walk through it, it doesn't usually loom so large the next time or the next.Plus, you add to the arsenal of change b/c when you leave those maladaptive behaviors behind, people, ideas, events, life fills the gaps ... and that, too, can be reinforcing.
Good luck in your new endeavors!
The_Timekeeper
Hi Cammy!
I've read your blog for a while, but always as a lurker. Yet, I felt really drawn to this post because, your title reminded me of The Velveteen Rabbit, when the Skin Horse is explaining to the Rabbit about becoming real...
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes" said the Skin Horse for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up" he asked "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once" said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
I read this quote a lot when I was in IP. Of course, please take this quote in the best possible light (I'm sure you still have all your hair and eyes ;) ). I commend you for taking a risk and making a change in your routine. Good luck, and keep writing, your honesty is refreshing!
-h
When I was a postgrad student I was just that girl you described, in the end I dropped out, because half the time I wasn't there, even when my body was my head was counting all of the time, struggling with social lunches and trying to find time to workout. Now I'm not, I'm more than half way to being real most of the time, and really, it does get easier, honestly. Baby steps.
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