This was my fear when I first started this blog. How to be open and honest about the difficulties of this process without triggering anyone? I have been religious about not using numbers (weights, BMI, calories, etc) or specifics about food, exercise types/duration, etc, but I know that sometimes attitudes and events can be triggering enough for some people. I am so indescribably sorry.
When I started writing this blog, I expected to get maybe a handful of readers, people that I already knew from places like Something Fishy. I never really expected anyone to pay much attention to it, honestly. I could have just kept a personal journal, like I did for many years before, but I guess some small part of me was just so desperate to reach out, even to a small number of people.
I do get a decent number of hits now, and perhaps I have neglected the responsibility that comes with writing things that are open to the public. I make no attempt to either inflate or diminish events/feelings when I am struggling. I could paint you a happy, rainbows and daisies picture of how recovery will be a complete, straight shot to happiness and bliss. I could sugar-coat, in other words. I could put a positive spin on everything, even on nights that I sign off and go to bed wishing that something would happen to me that would prevent me from waking up the next morning.
My original goal with this blog was to narrate my recovery, as honestly and openly as possible. I thought that it would lack meaning or value as an outlet if I edited what I was going through. When I talk about going through hard times, slipping, and generally struggling, I am not in any way, shape, or form advocating of complacency with this disease. Recovery is hard as hell, but even at the incomplete stage at which I currently exist, it is worlds better than living with anorexia.
This post doesn't stem entirely from the comment I mentioned, please, please don't see this as an attempt to garner sympathy because someone hurt my feelings. For the past few weeks, actually, I've been thinking about my relationship to this blog. I've had a lot of personal upheaval over the past few months (dad and friends deploying for war, my mom leaving her job, relationship issues, graduating, moving, starting grad school, leaving my therapist), and I feel like too often I let my posts devolve into just whine/vent sessions, with no underlying meaning attached. This habit didn't develop intentionally, and I can definitely see how it is tedious and frustrating for people who seek posts that have an actual point. If I am even bored with myself, what in the world can other people be thinking? Every time I slip, every time I have a hard day, it is just a different verse of the same song I've been singing for almost half my life now.
Boring is one thing, but triggering is another, and I am so, so sorry. I guess this is just a long-winded disclaimer: if you have an eating disorder, RECOVERY IS WORTH IT. It is a challenge, no doubt, but the benefits vastly outweigh the turmoil of the process. I don't claim to be "recovered," yet, but right now I am at a healthier weight than I have been since I was 15. My anxiety over routines is orders of magnitude lower than when I was in high school. I eat more calories for breakfast than I used to consume in an entire day at some points of my illness. I don't wake up every day (making sure to sit up very slowly, stand up in stages, because of my chronic and critical low blood-pressure at the time) taking it for granted that I will have chest pains, that I will be freezing, that I will wander around my life in a fuzzy hypoglycemic haze. I can walk my dog for miles without having to lie on the couch for an hour afterwards. I was able to do a research stint in the jungle for a month last year, doing things that would have probably killed me if I had been in a weaker physical state. I can read twice as fast and retain twice as much information. I can go out to dinner with friends. For a long time I refused to even say the word "anorexia," but over the last year I have really built my skills in talking about it with both friends and family. Am I having a hard time right now? Yes. Do I have a long way to go? Definitely. But if life is this much better around the halfway point, I can't even imagine the rewards that await me with full restoration.
I guess the only part of the comment I mentioned that truly hurt/upset me was the suggestion that I'm not "even trying." I can see how you would think that, from the way I describe hard days, as if that is just normal and I'm fine with passing out, slashing calories, and other disordered behaviors. But if I were complacent about it, if I didn't see it as something that warranted change, I would not be frustrated and disheartened. This blog wouldn't exist if I just accepted my eating disorder as an unavoidable status quo.
What it comes down to, is that I spend most of every day pretending like everything is fine, presenting a professional and efficient facade to the world while my inner life is in turmoil, and this is the only place that I let my proverbial hair down and talk about what I'm really going through (besides one hour of therapy a week, which I am currently without due to my move, but I do have an appointment for a referral to the clinic in my new city). How ridiculous is it that I am submitting grant proposals to try to convince people to give me tens of thousands of dollars for research, when some days I fail at even feeding myself. "What are you, 22?" Yes, and I feel every bit as ashamed as I should about my failure to function like a normal adult. But not as ashamed as I feel that I have been so self-absorbed and oblivious as to let triggering posts dominate this blog. From the get-go, I worried about that, and I cannot put into words how sorry I am if I have had a negative effect on anyone. I have met some of the most amazing, strong, insightful, compassionate, and overall amazing people through this blog community, and the thought of being that weak link, the slow kid, the one that can't get it together and brings everyone else down too is really disturbing, again I can't apologize enough.
I think I will be doing a lot of re-evaluating about this blog over the next few days.
21 comments:
Let's see if I can comment using my phone.
You pretty much know my thoughts already. I think people who have not known you as long don't see the progress you have made. Therapy for you was a huge step. Eating more a huge step.
Right now, you are struggling with a LOT and are a bit at a standstill, but I know you can rise again through all this.
Don't apologize for you, your blog, you recovery. We may feel like there is a timetable but there isn't.
I hope whatever you decide will be in the best interests for you.
Well...you don't have to apologize to me, personally. I mean, I see your blog as very honest and real. It doesn't trigger me in any way. Your recovery is YOUR recovery. I know all too well how many slips and falls there can be along the way. It's a bitch of a journey. If you were all smiles about it, I wouldn't believe you. I know it's hard to deal with comments. Trust me, I've almost given up on my blog based on a couple insensitive remarks. But, you are true to you. This is your blog, your recovery. You don't have to apologize for anything.
My dear, I do not feel that you need to apologize.
I had a similar thing a few days ago,though I didn't have a very ouch-inducing comment. I was reminded that my blog is my blog, and if I need to vent there I can. Same holds for you. You make a good point - you can pretend that everything is skittles and unicorns, but that wouldn't be genuine to your experience. You HAVE had a shit ton of upheaval in your life, and that's going to reverberate through to your relationship with food and your body. But for everything you write about exercising and cutting calories, I remember a post you wrote when you were feeling more upbeat and on top of your recovery and I know you can get there again. It's a matter of time, getting settled, and remembering that you are kind of a big deal, and people like you, dangit.
Also - I read the comment and found it a little abrasive, but I'm wondering if it really just came from a place of concern for you. I know some people who, when they are particularly worried, become a tad mean in order to scare someone straight.
I don't think any apology is needed, but this is a brilliant and honest post.
Please keep posting.
Hey this is "YOUR BLOG". This is you. Yes it suck's if someone get's triggered but if you have an ED and it want's to act up almost anything can trigger. At least that's what I'm learning with myself.
I read a lot of blog's, they help me. I was very alone and isolated in ED world, being a guy bring's in it's own problems, but finding these blogs helps in so many way's. I don't have a lot in common with you, but reading the struggles helps me. The past two day's were just plain bad ED wise. But I was able to face it with what I have found on these boards. And the support I've received.
Write what you are going through if it help's you! You have not sounded pro ana in anything I've read so far. Sure there were bad things in the other day, you know what I took from that - screw the scale I don't want to get like that, I'm following the meal plan. Heck for a while a few months ago, I was trying to eat so little I was getting dizzy standing up, light headed all the time. I never new it was a symptom of the ED crap I'm dealing with.
Sorry for the lenght. Just remember you're helping me, and I'm sure that there are other's like me out here.
If recovery was rainbows and unicorns, there wouldn't be a need for a blog, would there? We're so quick in contemporary culture for the easy fix, which only makes things like recovery that much harder when it's a bump- and turn-filled journey. You feel like maybe something's wrong with you. I'm glad you're out here, honestly being who you are, letting other people know that there is hope, but that it's very hard work.
I went back and read the comment you were talking about and I have to say that I totally disagree with it. I don't know how anyone could see your blog as even borderline pro-ana. If this is the case, who knows what that person would think about my blog!
I don't think you need to apologise for anything, to anyone. You have the right to process through your struggles however you wish, and you even go out of your way so as not to trigger anyone. And I have always enjoyed your comments on my blog- so supportive of life and recovery.
Cammy, you rock! Keep on writing and keepin' it real!
also did you notice that noone else agrees with that person?
Personally, I like the blatantness of your blog- I like that you don't try to sugarcoat recovery, because it really is a grueling (but extremely worth it) process- if it was so easy there wouldn't be so many of us struggling with staying on track with it.
Also like another commenter said, this is YOUR BLOG after all and you should be able to say whatever it is you feel/want to and if others don't like it/get triggered by it then that is their thing and they have the option to stop reading your posts.
I have found blogging and reading other blogs by recoverees incredibly comforting in my recovery especially with knowing I'm not alone in the day to day struggles still faced and the support of moving forward from this dreadful illness.
I didn't know recovery blogs existed until about a month ago and I can't tell you how helpful they've been, your writing very much included. This desperate need the world seems to have to pretend everything is fine and to not talk about the not fine has always been fuel for my disordered eating. Your honestly, especially about the difficult stuff, is valuable. Just for the record.
Cammy,
I applaud you for being so honest. And honesty can hurt. That's why so many of us parade around being "fine" and happy and rainbows and unicorns. If it was easy to be honest, we probably would be.
No one is forcing anyone to read your blog, and if someone ever found my blog triggering, I would hope they just stop reading. You're putting your pain and trials out there for people to read and see, and it took me a long time to get used to the range of feedback I got. This blog certainly triggers feelings in me at times, but so does any good piece of writing. It's honesty--and that's what I like.
In my personal writing, I have to remind myself that I don't owe anyone anything. I don't owe people a happy, non-triggering blog experience. I try to deliver on the last part of that, but really, I only owe myself to be a honest and straightforward as possible.
We're both scientists and maybe that's part of it, the digesting things into neat numbers and looking back at personal/physical danger with a sort of bizarre, calm detatchment.
It's hard to acknowledge how far you've come and how far you've left to go and then honor that place as a perfectly valid place to be. It's not where you want to stay, and I know you desperately want things to be different, recovery-wise. That's good. That's what will keep you moving forward.
{{{Cammy}}}
I don't think I've ever commented here before, but I love your blog and check it all the time. What I really love about your honesty is that it's an anti-trigger. Your candor about the difficult parts of recovery is very helpful to me because I see my own illness thoughts in another person, and know that I'm not the only one. Reading your honest descriptions reminds me that yes, all of the exercise and restricting IS unhealthy. All the eating disordered thoughts are reframed in a positive way in your posts, and I appreciate that.
Also, don't forget that this is your blog, and you deserve a place to be completely honest.
Thanks everyone. Your support means the world. I do want to emphasize that I didnt mean to attack that one commenter, she just brought to the surface some fears I'd had boiling for a while.
I'm on my phone and will respond more fully later, but thanks, for everything. I hope my apology itself didn't come across as self-absorbed and neurotic, I have just been a little on edge with confidence in the red lately. Your patience, understanding, and insights mean the world.
I started to read your blog in the late winter of this year and it had been an amazing help to me. When I was 16 I suffered from anorexia, and it perssited on into my 20's, I was really ashamed of it too, and was in denial I guess about the whole thing. I'm 29 now and it's only been by reading your blog and Kim's too that I can be honest about recovery, that I can see it as a process and not some kind of dirty secret like I used to see it. And in being honest I've made some amazing progress and really feel good for the first time in a long time, and for this thank you.
Do not be put off. I wish there had been something like this for me to read when I was a teenager. Also when people are in the grip of this illness so many things are triggering, but honestly nothing you've ever said has seemed remotely that way to me, in fact it always comes across that you are being very careful with what you say.
And hey, I'm 29 and can't look after myself most days anyway, it's just the way it goes.
I hope you settle into your new city, and can find a nice open space there, everyone needs space to walk!
I only skimmed your post (I will go back and read it better later) but I did read yesterdays properly... I did not, nor have I ever found anything you write to be anything but honest and truthful. Nothing is glamourising or endorsing anorexia or eating disorders. I stay far far away from blogs that remotely do that (even if they say they do not) because its not good for me, I ENJOY reading your blog (even though I am quite new to it) because I am actually quite encouraged by you and your story. I feel for you much of the time, but not in a negative pitying way, not in a you're not going to make it way, but because I see that it IS hard for you but that you work as best you can with what you have towards recovery and to ME that is worth reading about!!!
I hope you're able to keep writing honestly and that its useful for YOU.
xox
Your blog has really inspired me, and I have always appreciated your frank honesty. I have actually suggested your blog to a couple of girls in my e.d. recovery group who were looking for genuine, recovery-based, things to read.
If you choose to re-evaluate your blog, please make sure you're doing it because YOU want to. After all, this blog is about helping YOU. If you help a few of us in the process, we really really really appreciate, but don't neglect your own needs.
So I have read more thoroughly and went back and read the comment also... I really think that they're quite out of line. Yes it is their opinion and they are entitled to that but I do not think it was appropriate. Also, pro-ana glorifies and encourages anorexia, I have never seen you do that. You do talk about what is happening for you but stating facts and feelings is very different from saying, "This is all fine and dandy and I want to encourage everyone else to do it!" You don't do that! Therefore, you cannot be remotely pro-ana!
Also, the reality is that there are just soooo many triggers out there, that it does end up being up to the individual to guard against triggers, to stay away from blogs when they're already in a bad headspace, to stop reading if one particular blog is consistently negative for them... because we cannot account for everything, we cannot babysit the rest of the world!
I also struggle with the level of being honest and needing a really space place to vent and my blog is closed!! Please, as best you can, keep this space for a record, for venting for whatever YOU need at that time. I say this because you do deserve recovery and with the trips and falls, the mountains and the valleys... I fear that if such a place is taken from you, then recovery will be that much harder for you and that isn't fair!!
Also, I used to be an ed clinician, I am 28... and I have a damn ed! So what does that say about me??!?!?! Seriously, age doesn't have anything to do with it. If it were simple to recover from, then recovery wouldn't be so hard, it wouldn't take so much time, it wouldn't all feel so illogical! It wouldn't feel like doing the right thing just feels so wrong. It's an illness, NOT a choice. You know that hunni and you acknowledge where you're at, you don't glorify it.
Again, I am encouraged by your blog and your struggles, even though I wish you did not have to suffer them.
I know this is long, but please be encouraged, those who really care will stay and read and cheer you on!
Always
Telly xox
I think I've only commented once on your blog, but I've been following it for a while now and feel compelled to add my two cents. ...not that I have anything novel to say - I completely agree with everything the above commenters have said.
How I wish I could have had your blog to read when I was going through recovery (and the others that are out there like it, for example, Kim's)! I remember reading countless eating disorder memoirs, but every one seemed the same - page after page of detailed descriptions of the actual illness followed by a single 'recovery' paragraph, usually saying that recovery was "the hardest thing they had ever done," yet never explaining why. Your blog explains why, it shows the struggles, the fears, the steps backwards ...and I think these are just as important as the little victories and steps forwards.
So please...don't stop blogging.
I’ve never commented here before, but I simply wish to remark that your blog is AMAZING. It’s not remotely pro-illness; you have an incredibly insightful and intelligent perspective, and your writing reflects sensitivity, maturity and authenticity. I’ve found it extremely inspiring and elucidative during my own recovery. You’re evidently a beautiful person and I wish you the best.
I also want to say that I find your blog extremely helpful and reassuring. I also only read blogs that are recovery oriented as I struggle to find my way through this maze. Nothing is black or white in recovery. Would do, should do whatever. Irrelevant.
Keep on blogging on your blog about whatever is going on. The honesty and candidness is precisely what needs to be heard, both for yourself and for any of us following the blog.
As for any reference to your age being an indication of how you should be, well. I'm 33 and still on this twisted, winding, ever so confusing path to recovery. I was your age when I finally truly started to actively recover. It's been quite amazing, when looking back, to see how far I have come and it is particularly relieving to acknowledge the progress when I feel like I have made none, or certainly 'not enough'..a.k.a. "should be recoverED by now" Keep on keeping on. Recovery is really like a spiral. You may feel like you're just going around and around, but if you look closely, you'll see that you're not at all where you started. FWIW, I've been thinking about joining all you bloggers with a blog of my own. Your blog, along with many others' encourages me.
I suffer from depression, not anorexia, but I find your blog extremely valuable for me personally.
Your struggles remind me that I am not the only person who is struggling just to get through each day. I am not alone. Even when my own mental state isolates me from everything and everyone around me, I am really not alone in the struggle.
And that helps. More than I can say. Thank you.
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