Over the past few days, I think I have started to understand that desire to just make yourself hurt, for the sole purpose of making all other feeling go away, and it's kind of scaring me.
Basically, I am in the process of making the hardest decision I've ever made in my life, and am in a very difficult position. No matter what I do, I will have regrets, it will be awkward, and someone important will be pissed at me. I have barely been sleeping, my anxiety has been through the roof, and I've had a constant throbbing headache and queasy stomach, and general sense of ohmygodtheskyisfalling. None of which is doing much to improve my rational decision-making skills. I. hate. this. And I have to admit, I've really just wanted to hurt, out of frustration, and out of desperation to over-ride everything else going on in my head.
I don't want to freak anyone out, don't worry, I'm not implying that I'm about to do something crazy. There is a difference between eyeing a ledge and jumping from it. But I'll be honest, right now physical pain is a welcome diversion from what's going on in my head. I think I understand my friend from high school better than I ever have before.
I am nothing if not a creature of habit, though, so instead of seeking novel weapons against myself it is much more efficient to just use the old familiar ones. My ultra-stress has killed my appetite anyway, why cram unwanted food into myself? Whenever I'm stressed, I tend to fall into restriction as default mode. Gnawing hunger, becoming painful hunger, becoming cavernous emptiness, is actually really soothing right now. I did miles and miles on the bike today, G. and I walked a double route, bought a brand new aerobics DVD after I thought I'd truly go insane if I did the old one a single additional time. None of this is even consciously about my weight/size, for once, it's just about dulling everything else.
I just want this to be over. The decision, I mean. And the other stuff too, obviously. I just don't know what to do. I'm emotionally, intellectually, physically drained. I know this is wrong. I can't continue at this rate of punishment for much longer, not if I want to retain any semblance of functionality, and then I'm stuck with my thoughts/feelings again. J. came over for our Alternative Easter this afternoon, and that distraction was a huge help, but the effect faded soon after he left.
I think it is probably a very, very good thing that my mom is flying in again this week for another round of awards events. I just want this process to be over.
10 comments:
Making big decisions is so hard. So many emotions and feelings rush in and out, and it seems better to have none. And of course this ultimately only works in the interim but which result in kind of an "auto-pilot" mode which is never good for Cammy.
I think what makes it so hard for you is because you want to please everyone, though you know logically it probably won't happen that way. And as hard as that is to accept, it just is. What is more important is that you make the best decision for yourself. Honestly, I'd think these other parties would know you are being vied by other schools, so though they hope you pick their school and them, they would understand if you don't.
I hope your mom can give you some insights as well.
I hear you. The end of my senior year is more of a pull-the-covers-over-my-head time than a go-out-and-party time. I thought we'd already done all the hard work.
My mother called me a junkie once. I can see parallels between my restrictive behavior escaping into some kind of substance. It was not a pleasant conversation.
I'm glad you had fun with J and I'm also glad your mom is coming down again.
oh no, hang on there. I understand all the struggles you are going through, but restricting is not the way to go. sometimes it's your physical body that needs the energy first to deal with your mental issues.
I hope you have a productive, good time with your mother.
all the best luck to you.
I think Tiptoe raised a very good point - you've applied to a lot of program, and those programs have to know that you have options. Rather than focusing on the fact that you might "disappoint" certain programs or schools, can you focus solely on yourself? I do think this is one of those occasions where you get to be truly selfish and self-interested. This is YOUR life and your future. What is the best fit for you?
Also, rather than seeing it as possibly a win-lose situation, can you look at it as a win-win? You have choices, which is difficult but far better than the alternative.
Thanks for the support. As far as the decision, it's more complicated than just deciding between two options, I just don't feel comfortable discussing too many details. Basically I want A but have significant obligations tying me to B, in a nutshell. And you're right, I have this deep-rooted aversion to not pleasing everyone, which makes this doubly hard.
Thanks, as always, for everything.
Something else I just thought of. I have no idea whether this will make sense or be of any comfort.
Call me a little sappy, but sometimes I think the decisions we make wind up being for reasons that are kind of "meant to be."
Not saying that the choicse you make are set in stone, because clearly they are not. Rather that sometimes things do happen for reasons, and if one choice doesn't pan out, it was never really meant to be. Otherwise, the universe can have an uncanny way of changing things so you wind up belonging/having where/what you should be/are supposed to.
Wow, sounds like a really difficult time you're going through!
If you're not already seeing a counselor or therapist (which you may be, sorry, I'm just jumping in kinda clueless here) I'd just suggest that it can be extremely helpful to talk to someone who has no "stake" in outcomes other than to help you in your process. Sounds like quite a burden you're carrying!
(They're also pretty good at helping people with the "need to please everyone" situation, as it comes up a lot, especially for young women).
Good luck and hope you find some peace with all this!
I have not been a self-injurer in the diagnostic sense either, but, the parallels between that pattern of behavior and restriction has not been lost on me. Of course, I rarely framed my anorexia in terms of an overt wish to harm myself--or worse, a "slow death wish," the phrase used by my therapist to describe the concept that anorexia involves, even unconsciously, prolonged suicidal ideation. Yet, truthfully, it's quite apparent.
Here's a twist: once I articulated this connection between self-injury and restriction in therapy, I've found it MORE tempting in high-stress times to veer towards restriction when I want to (again, in moments of recovery weakness) "use" restriction in this way. Sometimes knowing more about why we do what we do can be a shield and sometimes it can be a sword. I probably would have tended towards the temptation before, simply unconsciously, but now I struggle with sometimes doing so consciously.
Not sure if any of that made a lick of sense.
In any case, I hope that you will recognize your tendencies, Cammy, and allow yourself a better coping mechanism or two.
Lots of kindness,
Tamara
I've only just started reading, but I thought I'd jump in with my two cents. As a self-injurer (Gosh, I hate to identify myself that way) and someone with some disordered eating habits, this may sound horrible, but although restricting is most certainly not the best way to go, it is, in some ways, better than self-harm. Not better, exactly, though. But, oh, gosh, I'm digging myself into a hole. Impressive for a first comment on a blog. My point is that, as tempting as new behaviors can be, it's probably better to stick with the old, known ones, even though the effects of those can be as detrimental as new behaviors. There. That's better. Not in such a deep hole now. =p
Crabby: I have been seeing a fantastic psychologist for about 18 months now, and it has helped me greatly.
Tiger: No worries, you haven't dug a hole, I understand what you're saying. Slipping back into old behaviors is not good, but it's not quite as ominous as expanding the repertoire of destructive coping methods. Nice to "meet" you, by the way, thanks for the comment!
Everyone: thanks for your support, the decision process has been rough but I think I've finally come to a conclusion I can be at peace with. Updates later, but in the meantime I can't tell you how much I appreciate your support!
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