Catching Up

I've been uberly busy this week, I apologize that I am way behind on blogs, e-mails, and Formspring. Somehow in grad school my workload is actually picking up now that the semester is over, because all the research-related stuff that I pushed aside when classes were in session is now avalanching on me.

Also, a quick apology for being whacked out in my last post. It was a good example of how irresponsible eating habits really make life more difficult. I had gone way too long without eating that day (wasn't restricting, just spaced my meals too far), and when I get hypoglycemic it becomes nearly impossible for me to make decisions or calm myself down if there is some disruption to my schedule. So, Exhibit A for why EDs suck and drain your brain as well as your body. I know for me, being depleted makes me feel even more incapable, mentally, of challenging myself, which is needed to undeplete...and it basically makes recovery feel like trying to turn the Titanic around with a canoe oar. Fortunately those episodes are becoming less and less frequent/severe.

Thinking back almost a week now, I went on a camping trip last Friday-Sunday! And it was awesome. I think I handled the eating pretty well. Meaning I didn't restrict just as a knee-jerk response to being out of routine, didn't get shy about eating in front of other people, etc etc. It was actually a class trip, so there were 14 of us. We were told to bring our own breakfast and lunch stuff, and then a couple of people volunteered to cook dinner for the group in the evenings. I was apprehensive about that, because I as a general rule do NOT eat home-cooked stuff if I'm not the one preparing it . . . control issues out the wazoo, folks.

But you know what? I ate the damn dinners. And I liked them. And I even had the dessert.

Granted, we were melting energy away like an ice cube on the beach. We hiked a couple of hours on Friday afternoon, went on a 4 hour hike Saturday morning (steep terrain, cool weather), then came in for a brief rest and hiked another 3 hours in the afternoon. I was HOOONGRY.

It kind of freaked me out, actually. I hate the feeling of eating what I know is a reasonable meal, and still wanting more afterwards, when I "should" be full. Even though I knew rationally I just burned a ton of calories, I had a hard time allowing myself to break through my typical caloric ceiling. Then I overcompensated by effectively halving my calories on Sunday, which was a BAD decision because my body was trying to recover from the hiking, and it just put me into a not so good place. Then I did the pre-date junk eating on Monday, so is it any wonder I was sort of dangling by a thread by the time Monday night came around?

It felt kind of like when I was first refeeding I would be ravenous less than an hour after a huge meal. I used to get so pissed because I honestly did spend more time hungry while first upping my meal plan than I had when I was severely restricting. But having a responsive metabolism is a good sign!

I had a D appointment this week, and I discussed that issue with her a bit. She pointed out that I have to remember I'm still technically underweight, and so it's normal/expected that when I've gotten physically depleted like that, my body will be hungry even when my stomach has been filled. The way she explained it, a "normal" person has enough reserves to run on so that their body is relatively fueled even if they dip into a calorie deficit for a short time, and once they eat a good meal they're ok. If you don't have enough reserves to pull on, even when your stomach is full, you haven't metabolized the energy yet, and you spend some of it just digesting, a good bit of it repairing damage before really refueling your cells...and so your legs, arms, head, etc are still crying out for help. So, still frustrating but at least having a logical explanation helps me deal with it.

I am really starting to feel like I get less and less out of C appointments each week. I wish I could see D every week and C every other, but C is the one that takes sliding scale fees, and D doesn't.

I have more to say about the trip, but I'm wiped out and have 9834732 other things to do before I can sleep tonight. I hope everyone is having a great week!

I leave you with some overdue Formspring answers:

What is your favorite place in the world and why?

Hmmm...this is hard. I've traveled quite a bit, and it seems like every place has something unique about it that makes it special...
I have been some exotic places, but I think I'd have top pick my grandparent's house as my favorite location, when it comes down to it. They are very special to me, and they live in a really beautiful part of the country with an awesome landscape surrounding them. I am proud that a place like that feels like home. I know I didn't give you details on where that is, sorry if that's a cop out! Identity reasons. My favorite vacation spot has probably been Hawaii, I loved hiking across the Kilauea Iki crater.

You talk about your grandparents a lot. Tell us why they're so awesome! What is one of your favorite memories with them?

They are incredible people, and they are indeed very special to me. Whoever asked this question scores major points! It's hard to list the reasons for their awesomeness. They are incredibly intelligent people: both in their 70s, and they still subscribe to tons of magazines on politics, science, travel, etc etc. I hope I'm half as mentally sharp as they are when I'm that age.
Also, they helped to raise me when I was a small child. After my mom and I ran away from my biological dad, we stayed with them until she remarried a few years later. I think I would probably have major Man Issues if I had not had my grandfather as a positive male figure in my life. I have never for a moment in my life doubted that they would drop everything and go any distance to help me if I were in trouble. Now that their health is poor and they are less and less self-sufficient, I'm happy that I can return the favors by helping them out as much as possible. Although it is indeed bittersweet.
They used to take me on trips with them all the time (even after we moved out of their house), and my favorite memory of them is probably just playing cards and talking about books, nature, life, etc on the many, many plane and car trips that we took. I have never, and will never, ever, ever get tired of spending time with them.
Dear god answering this question actually choked me up.

Change of Plans Vent

Well I was going to have an upbeat post about how awesome my trip this weekend was, and some points on which I did fantastic and some on which I did less so. But right now what I really *need* is a brief vent post.

Match and I had plans for "date night" (which is usually dinner out, then movie night, he stays over and we go to bfast the next morning) on Tuesday. He just realized an assignment he thought was due Friday is actually due Wednesday, so he needs to move date night to Wednesday to get his paper done and turned in by the deadline.

Which is 100% logical, reasonable, and understandable. He is not in trouble here, just to be clear.

My stupid lingering disordered habits are, though. Without going into much detail, I tend to alter my food choices for a day or two leading up to a date, especially an overnight one. And usually it results in me not feeling very great, but on the other hand not being bloated, retaining water, etc on nights I'm going to get together with him. I usually do get in all or most of the calories I'm supposed to be eating, just for the record, it's the specific foods I pick that are different, and I am not really going into detail on that. Just know that it's a ritualized thing with me, and whether it makes a noticeable difference or not, it *feels* necessary.

So, I did that today, anticipating seeing him tomorrow night. And now that event is put off 24 hours, which means I'd "have to" do that again tomorrow AND Wednesday, and I really hate doing it for more than 2 days at a time because it's not good for me and makes me feel like crap.

The obvious answer would be to eat a non-scheming dinner tonight, and eat normally tomorrow and the next day, and to essentially behave like a functional adult. If recovery was as easy as always using the obvious answer, I obviously would have led a fundamentally different life over the past decade.

But there is still a chance we'll get together tomorrow, he wants to see how much he gets done tonight. So I'm sitting here trying to decide what to have for dinner, and have no clue when I'm going on a date, so I'm starving but I don't know what's OK to eat, and I fucking hate eating disorders.

I know what I would tell someone else in this situation, which is to squish the ED and take care of yo body like the gift that it is. But the whole objectivity issue is always, well, an issue, isn't it?

Thanks for letting me vent.

Mishmash Updates

Happy Earth Day, lovelies! I hope everyone had a chance to stop and appreciate nature today. I'm getting ready for a weekend trip and am a little too hectic for a very coherent post, so hang with me.

My mother is apparently offering dates with me to persuade the top students in her class to help her study for finals (for FB friendsies, you can see her post about it on my wall). Apparently she's had a couple of takers . . . she probably would have offered dates with herself if she were younger and unmarrieder, but apparently using me as a substitute her is close enough. ;p

This weekend (I'll be on a camping trip with a group of other grad students) is going to present some challenging eating situations. We're supposed to bring our own food for breakfasts/lunches, and a couple of people volunteered to cook for everyone at dinnertime. I have a general idea of what we'll be having every night, but am still a bit anxious about this. On the other hand, we'll be doing some cool activities and I know I want to have energy to enjoy it. So going to try to buckle down and play normal, it's just 3 days...

I had to go buy new sports bras today. Birth control, I worship thee.

It occurred to me today that I can't remember the last time I ate meat. It's been a week, maybe? This is NOT a disordered thing or even a conscious decision, I've just been using a lot of alternative proteins this week without even thinking about it.

Just one more class left of the semester! Although now that I'm in grad school, my workload doesn't change significantly when classes are over. Oh well.

Ok, still have some last minute packing to do, and I'm starting to doze off over keyboard. I hope everyone has a fantabulous weekend!

What are your top 5 favorite books and why?

Many of my favorite books are nonfiction, but I'm still a bit antsy about revealing too much about my research interests, so I'll stick with fiction for this list. It's so hard to narrow it down to 5...and as for the why, what I typically enjoy about a book is something that makes you think, as simple as that sounds. The books below all provided plenty of food for thought that my mind continues to toy with even years afterwards.

1) The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver

2) To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

3) The Great Santini by Pat Conroy

4) The Baroque Cycle series by Neal Stephenson

5) Life of Pi by Yann Martel

Baby, the way it works is...

So, another episode from the Comical Family Text files. Background: last week was super stressful, because not only did I have the Symposium of Death, but I was on placebo week for my BC pills and thus doing the menstruation thing for the first time in my LIFE. So this is what I sent to my mom on my way into the event Saturday morning:

Cammy: My heels are blistering my feet, I can't breathe when I sit down in this skirt, I have a mascara flake in my contact lens, and I have been bleeding for six days straight. I'm gonna punch the next man that I see.

Mom: Baby, the way it works is that even if you don't have a *reason* to punish a man, chances are he DID do something to deserve it that you just haven't found out about yet.

Words of wisdom . . . and apologies to any male readers, you know I love y'all!

I've been honored with a blog award from the lovely Rachael over at Ruby Converse and Curls:

1) What physical feature do you love about yourself?

I like my eye color. And I have always thought I had nice shoulders, even though I don’t really know what it is that makes a shoulder nice. And although I often voice frustrations about my hair, I’m actually glad it’s mine. It’s kind of like a mischievous child that you can’t help but love…

2) How do you personally take care of yourself?

Hmmm, good question. I have gotten much better about “using my voice” to speak up when I need something or if something is bothering me. For a long time I was very timid and submissive and pretty much just played doormat. I've found that people do respect honesty, and speaking up about something is the best way to just get it addressed and move on, rather than putting up with less than tolerable conditions, which strain any situation/relationship.

Another one: even on really bad body days, I stick to my meal plan. I still do have slip-ups at times, I won’t claim to be perfect, but in general I just put on my big girl face and do what I know I need to, because I have learned that putting myself into a state of deprivation just gets me even more whacked out and unable to deal.

3)What are you looking forward to?

Summer travels! I’ve got 4 states and 2 foreign countries on my itinerary for the next few months.

4) Who has aided your recovery the most?

The psychologist (H) I saw when I was at my undergrad school. I don’t know if I’d be here today if she hadn’t been so patient and persistent with me, honestly. I was not an easy patient at first, but she refused to fire me like the previous therapists, and helped me to get into the mindset of truly wanting to get better. No one can “save you” from an ED, but having the right resources at the right time can make such a world of difference in the journey.

5) What was the very last thing you ate?

Well the exact last thing that was in my mouth was a Life-Saver. But the last “real food” I had was a rice/black beans/sunflower nut butter concoction I invented. I used to have a big hang up about not mixing foods, but over the past few months I seem to have moved past that, I’ve been experimenting with a lot of combo bowls lately.

6) What is one material thing you are dying to have right now?

A new digital camera! Mine is about 5 years old now, and I really need something with better specs for taking close-ups of small things I find while hiking.

7) If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?

I want to see the Great Barrier Reef, because I don’t think it is going to make it out of my lifetime intact.

8)What is/was your biggest fear food, and how will/did you conquer it?

I still don’t eat pasta in restaurants. I actually LOVE pasta and cook it all the time at home, but there are still some control freakish issues going on here. Dating Match has gotten me way more experienced/comfortable with restaurant eating, and I’m slowly working up to challenging myself with some pasta orders.

9)What are your dreams for after ED?

To be able to live in the moment and not have to “check in” with the disorder before making every decision!

10) What advice would you give to someone concerning eating disorders?

Even when it seems hopeless, it’s not.

One last random item, and then I'm back to working on my paper:

I got a Formspring question relevant to the text conversation with my 17 year old brother that I linked to above (here's the link again if you don't want to scroll for it, and here's a post with a bit of background on his situation, which is also referenced in this question, and another funny text convo). Remember I am Cammy4B on both Formspring and Twitter.

You shared a hilarious text conversation on your blog a while ago, where you and one of your brothers were joking about therapists. You mentioned that your brother was struggling with depression. How is he doing?

He seems to have good days and bad, although I don't think his lows are as low as they were a year or so ago. For a while my mom was keeping all her medicines locked up, because she was afraid of how desperate he seemed. His girlfriend does not have a very stable home life, and I think that he feels quite a bit of pressure to fill in for everyone in her life that has disappointed her, which is an impossible burden. So his moods seem to be tightly correlated to hers. They decided against medication, and he is still seeing a therapist twice a month. He is insanely intelligent and insightful, yet he has rock bottom self-esteem. I wish I knew how to fix that for him, but then again I know from experience that no one can ever "fix" anyone else, they have to grow into health themselves. I am hoping that once he gets into college, and is in a more intellectual environment (not dealing with school bus bullies, etc), he will come into his own a bit more. Thanks for the thoughtful question!

Matching and Marriage and Babies, Oh My

Match and I don't bicker often, but we got into a bit of a disagreement this weekend that I'm still simmering about a little bit. The only reason I am bringing it up on here was that it was related to ED stuff. I think I mentioned before that even though he's a psych major, he had some big misconceptions about EDs, basically what he interpreted/retained from a very cursory coverage in a general psych class.

It came up when he was telling me about a psych evaluation test he'd learned about in class, and developed into a discussion on diagnostic criteria for EDs. I tried to get across that the weight "requirements" for AN are misguided and often ignored by people with real experience treating EDs, that the DSM is outdated, etc, but I felt like he wasn't listening to me, he just kept reiterating what the DSM says.

And I was quite pissed. Maybe I shouldn't have taken it so personally, I don't know. It wasn't even just the ED issue, it was that I felt more than a little invalidated that he didn't seem to be open to my ideas/opinions on an issue with which I've had a lot of experience. We've patched things up over it, he later insisted he WAS listening and doesn't necessarily agree with the DSM, he was just telling me what it said, but it still seems like kind of an eggshell patch to tiptoe around. It just bothers me that we're this close, and he's known me this long, yet he could still have such big misconceptions about the ED. That's not entirely his fault, as he never really learned about them in school and isn't aiming towards that "kind" of psych for his career. Also, I still don't volunteer much info about how I'm doing or day to day challenges, so of course what he knows comes mainly from the few official definitions he's read. I understand that, which is why I was disappointed when my attempts to explain it more betterer didn't exactly succeed. I know there are a lot of misconceptions about EDs floating around, but I think that having trouble articulating to people you are close to is especially isolating.

On the topic of relationships and such, a couple of relevant questions from Formspring. I am having a superbusy week, so please don't be offended if it takes me a few days to get to your question, they mean a lot to me so keep them coming! By the way, Lisa asked in a comment on an earlier post if Match's name reflects how I met him. In fact it does. I NEVER thought I'd do one of those dating sites, but it wasn't a bad experience (obviously). I moved to a new city in August and joined Match.com for just one month, to meet new people in my area, I was open to just finding friends as well as maybe something else. I wouldn't have met Match otherwise, so it was worth it!

Do you ever want to get married? Do you think you will marry Match?

I can't entirely rule it out, because you never know what will happen...but getting married is definitely neither a priority nor a goal of mine. Even though I've done a lot of opening up and breaking down walls with Match, I still have a hard time fathoming living a life THAT entwined with someone else. I'm not criticizing marriage, of course, I think it's awesome when people find that Someone to connect and spend their lives with, I just have a hard time picturing it for myself...and I really enjoy Match and care about him quite a bit, but I don't predict that we'll be making that step.

Do you want to have kids one day? If so, are you worried about your potential future daughter(s) developing an eating disorder?

No, and partly because the answer to the second question would be yes. Well, I can't blame it all on that. I am extremely passionate about my work and career, and unfortunately the lifestyle involved in building a solid academic career in my field is not conducive to family building. It involves a lot of travel and long hours, with little money or benefits, during prime reproductive years. Also, I've never really had a strong maternal desire, honestly. I hope it doesn't make me seem like a bad person to admit that. G. fulfills any caretaking urges I have, and he doesn't outgrow his clothes every month. I think babies are fine, and love that some people have them, but the thought of having one of my own seems unfathomable. Seriously, a real live human, dependent on ME? Of course I could take care of it, but I'd be so paranoid about doing something wrong, screwing it up for life, being blamed for years of therapy and angsty lashing out in later years. I have a fantastic mom, but I still barely made it out of middle school with my life, and sanity was just forgone. And 2 out of her 3 kids are currently in therapy (to be addressed in an upcoming Formspring answer). Wtf?

Which leads into the second part of the question. IF, hypothetically, something random and unexpected happened and I did end up producing a child, I'd definitely want it to be a boy. Not just for ED issues, I feel like girls are tricky in a lot of ways. But ED risk would be a factor (not that it's not a risk for boys, my youngest brother has had some eating issues in the past also). I have eating disorders on both sides of my family tree, in addition to multiple alcoholics in every generation on both sides of said metaphorical arbor. My mom dealt with OCD when she was younger, depression peppers the family, including my brother (although my brothers are "only" half brothers, I always have to remind myself of that because I don't think of them that way). Plus I am pitifully nearsighted (trying to psych myself up for Lasik b/c contacts are a pain in the field) and have rather unruly hair and a horrible singing voice. In a nutshell, if I accomplish nothing else in life, my leaving this planet without spawning offspring should be seen as an achievement for the betterment of the human race.

(Disclaimer: The opinions voiced here apply to ME only. I am not implying that I think ED sufferers shouldn't have kids, that is not the case. People with EDs tend to be highly intelligent and responsible, among other things. So please don't read this as judgment on anyone else for having/wanting babies. Everyone deserves a family. I'm aware that it's one of those "I'm an exception to the rule" situations).

EDIT: It just occured to me that the title of this post could give people the initial idea that the post holds some BIG life announcements about myself and Match. Sorry to disappoint! ;)

Surviving the Massacre

I am scarred. Yesterday's thesis proposal session was a massacre. I'm going to have nightmares for weeks. The gist of the event was that all the first year graduate students stand up in front of all the faculty and other grad students in the department and give a presentation with the background info, research goals, methods, and "broader implications" (read: why should anyone care about this) of their project. All in 10 minutes. Followed by a 10 minute Q&A period in which you are grilled and torn apart so you can go put back together a better version of yourself. Or quit and flip burgers for the rest of your life.

And oh lawdy. I am usually very comfortable doing public speaking, and I am confident in my grasp of my research, so I wasn't terribly nervous. But then the thing actually started. It would have been fine except for ONE professor that seemed intent on turning it into a bloodbath. He is one of those hyperintelligent people that could be extremely helpful with constructive criticism, except he gets perverse pleasure out of giving DESTRUCTIVE criticism. There's one in every audience, I guess...and I am totally aware that the point of these things is to give feedback, I've been to similar events before, but for some reason this guy just gets off on being the academic grim reaper. Afterwards, I overheard other faculty saying he had crossed the line.

So Student 1 goes up and is eviscerated. Student 2 is crucified. Student 3 looked like he would have rather been waterboarded. In several cases, the student's adviser actually spoke up to try to save them, which isn't the norm, but Prof X blew them off.

At this point every 1st year grad student in the room is holding back bile and fighting off tunnel vision. I literally heard someone's teeth chattering. Our comrades were dropping like flies, our little academic worlds were crumbling before our eyes, and we each had to just sit there waiting to be the next lamb led to slaughter...

My turn was right in the middle of the session, so I sat through about half of these before I came forth to assume the podium. I had been really confident before, but after witnessing the fall of those before me I was really completely panicked. When I got up there I was so shakey that I couldn't use the damn laser pointer, because it bobbled all over the screen. I was so freaked out trying to anticipate what X was going to ask me that I stumbled on several of my slides, completely blanking on what I had planned to say. Or really how I had planned to say it. I knew what I was trying to communicate, but felt like my mind wasn't quiet enough for me to get it out as eloquently as I'd practiced.

I managed to salvage it and get through, and overall it probably wasn't a bad presentation. I even got compliments afterwards. But it was NOT, I repeat NOT up to my standards. No, I didn't have a heart attack or faint or step on the cable and disconnect the A/V (someone did that!), but I wasn't satisfied. I know many will read this and think "Aha, perfectionist! Disordered!" But seriously. I am not terribly confident about a lot of things, but one thing I know that I do well is give slam-dunk presentations. I am normally confident, comfortable, and enthusiastic enough to get the audience right where I want them. And this had been my big chance to impress the department with my study.

So I was pretty disappointed in myself, to say the least. As soon as I sat down, all I wanted to do was hop back up and say "Wait, let me do that over the way I intended to!"

And the ironic thing is, the questions were the part that freaked me out enough to mess up during the talk itself, but I had an amazingly easy time with my post-presentation interrogation. I even got a question from X, but it was one that I was able to answer cogently and point out that it had been accounted for in my methodology. BAM, Prof X, now go home and eat babies or whatever it is you do in your free time.

Ok.....on a brighter note, I did have sexy shoes, which I shall show you, per Sarah's request. ;)

And just for laughs (I need one!!!) here you get an outtake from G, who thinks that the only reason people ever get on floor-level is to give him a belly rub. Here he is, messing up my shot to tell me he wants to collect his due. Or maybe he heard some lovely ladies had been discussing him in the blogosphere and wanted to pose? ;)

And finally, a couple of questions from Formspring:

You've mentioned your biological dad in passing a few times. Still in contact with him, and what does he know about your ED?

He knows nothing about the ED. We are in e-mail contact a few times a year, but I have not seen him since I was 8. And I have no desire to ever see him again. I know I sound bitter and unforgiving, but if you knew him you'd feel the same way.

What is the single most important material thing to you?

This is difficult, because the few really meaningful material things that I own are meaningful in such different ways. Can I pick family photo albums? Or I have another candidate: I had a fantastic adviser in college that died at the end of my junior year. I became pretty close to many of my professors over the years, and they threw me a party for my graduation. As my gift, they gave me the last book that my late adviser had authored, and everyone in the department had signed it and written really sweet messages to me about how much they'd liked working with me and wishing me good luck in the future. I was unbelievably touched. That book is definitely one of my most prized possessions.

Bad News, Sexy Shoes, and I Ain't Tellin You's

Hey y'all. I'm having a pretty down day. Got the news that Match will officially be moving 11 hours away in the fall for grad school (we were holding out hope he'd get accepted somewhere closer). That's part of life as grad students, unfortunately.

I have been kind of ambivalent about food, having an uncomfortable body day, etc. Bad body days are coming less and less frequently, luckily, so I guess I'd kind of forgotten how much they suck. I have learned that they pass and are usually unrelated to my actual size/weight, trying to ride it out.

I'm on placebo week from the Pill and I MISS it. I was a basket case about starting it, but totally love it now. Makes my skin and boobies so much nicer. Also, remember I had never menstruated before starting the pill, so this effing bleeding for days at a time is still new to me and not really a thrill ride. I am going to have to skip the placebos when I'm out doing my field research, wandering around the jungle smelling like a wounded animal for a week is asking for trouble. TMI, TMI, moving right along...

Big professional event happening tomorrow, at which I'll be subjected to public scrutiny in front of the entire department (faculty and grad students). It's a rite of passage, and all the other 1st year grad students are in the same boat. I do have sexy shoes to wear, which helps.

Formspring produceth:

What one thing are you exceptionally good at?

I am a fantabulous tree-climber.

What was your lowest weight? How much weight have you gained in recovery and are you still trying to?

I don't think that sharing that would have any healthy result for either me or the readers, so I shall demure instead of divulging. In other words, I ain't tellin'. I will tell you that I was low enough that it damn near killed me, and have absolutely no desire to weigh anywhere near that ever again. I have gained a significant amount in recovery. My weight is still not quite up to where my team wants it, but I'm healthy and stable enough that they're focusing more on normalizing behaviors than boosting calories, to try to get me settled into a healthy lifestyle so that my weight will follow. I will tell you I'm at the highest weight I've ever been in my life, due to the fact that I started with AN when I was pre-adolescent. One major challenge in recovery has been that I couldn't go "back" to my pre-ED body, and it was pretty anxiety inducing to go forward and not have any idea what my body would end up like.

One other thing I will mention about weight, because it is something that I think can be an issue for many people: when I started gaining weight, eating X calories, I was afraid that as long as I ate X calories, I'd keep gaining weight. Forever. This is NOT true. I hit a plateau roughly every 5 pounds or so, and couldn't budge above it until I made an additional change in my lifestyle. The calories-in-calories-out calculations, like the ones that tell you however many extra grapes per day add up to however many extra pounds per year, which accumulates year after year, is simply not reality. Your body is smarter than that.