Resources Dwindling

I emailed the therapist to "break up" with her today, and I think I was very tactful. But then I called the office to cancel my Thursday appointment and see if I could request another staff member, but they said I have to come in and see the first person one more time before they'll assign me to someone new. I feel really awkward. Also, my insurance company is being so slow in approving my referral, and I don't want to risk being charged for another session with this person. I am tempted to just drop the issue with this practice, but they are the only ED-specific clinic in town. And my referral is still being processed for them, so I have no place else to go, unless I want to pay in full for my last 3 sessions, which I can't do. And all of this insurance stuff is pointless anyway, because I age out of my coverage next month and have to scrounge for something new, so really it's pointless to try to get a new referral until I know what my new coverage will be.

I've been working on presenting myself with significant challenges and testing my reliance on my "safe zone" tendencies over the past few weeks, but I am getting to the point where I really need to talk to someone and process some of what I've done/thought/am trying to deal with. And I don't have anywhere to turn for that right now or in the forseeable future. I am so frustrated with this whole system.

In Which a Significant Day Gains New Meaning

Yesterday was the 8 year anniversery of a critically pivotal day for our nation and the world. While I watched the towers fall during my third period Spanish class, the principal having declared that all teachers should suspend lessons and monitor the news on classroom TVs, it was obvious to myself and my friends that the date 9/11 would be seared into our memories for a lifetime.

Little did we know, that on that date 8 years later, 9/11 would once again be infused with a lifetime's worth of meaning, but this time it would be a joyful occasion. As of yesterday at 2:34 PM, I am a god-mother! One of my best friends delivered her baby, almost two weeks early. Despite her surprise arrival, she is healthy and perfect.

It meant a great deal to me when my friend asked me to be the godmother, back when she first found out she was pregnant. We have known each other since we were 12, and although we don't talk often anymore (she lives over a thousand miles away), it's one of those friendships that always picks up right where it left off, whether it has been 5 minutes, 5 weeks, or 5 months between communication. I never plan to have children of my own, but I am absolutely ridiculously excited about this whole god-mother thing. I have an array of miniature outfits for her (is there anything more heart-melting than such itty bitty shoes?). I literally spent two hours online investigating the comparative safety and chemical content of different fabrics before deciding what stuff animal to buy for her. I have already started a list of books to buy her when she is old enough to read. I wonder, how long before she has enough hair for barrettes?

It's funny, because I know most newborns resemble hybrids between glo-worms and crumpled towels, but when you have a connection to one they really do seem so beautiful and enthralling. Even though I haven't seen her in person yet, just the few photos I've seen so far have left me totally smitten.

I spoke with my friend yesterday, celebrating the new arrival, but then she texted me again at 3:30 this morning: "I can't sleep, she's too beautiful for me to close my eyes."

And of course it has occurred to me that babies are incipient adults, and that someday she is going to have to navigate this world full of pressures and demands, and will probably spend a great deal of time feeling unbeautiful, no matter what her mother and god-mother think.

It does put things in perspective, though. A couple of times today, when faced with decisions on whether/how much to cave to ED urges, I found myself contemplating what I would want her to do if she were in my place. Seeing how much I care about her without even meeting her, and the overwhelming emotions her parents have already invested in her, it just made me think about the fact that it would be so painful to contemplate her ever hurting herself. I think that it is very common for ED sufferers to understand that X,Y, and Z are dangerous and destructive behaviors, but to put themselves outside that circle of consequences, treating themselves in ways they would never dream of treating others.

My friend and her husband are both great people, and I know she's going to be nurtured and made to feel important for many things besides her external appearance. And of course I hope to help with that as much as I can.

You know, I'm not a kid person. I will happily deal with snakes, spiders, squirrels, or slugs, but I usually try to avoid small children if at all possible. And I have no genetic connection to this new baby, no hormone surges or kin selection instincts kicking into gear. But there is the emotional/psychological component. This friend has been like a sister to me, and has stuck by me through every rock-bottom period I have ever had. I am awe in the fact that my friend made this, she grew a human inside of her. A whole new life, poof, here she is. And I know that babies are born every day, every hour, every 4.2 seconds, to be exact...

But yesterday, when I got the surprise news that she decided to make her debut earlier than expected, to me it seemed as though everyone in the world should be obligated to stop, take notice, and express their awe over this 6 lb 13 oz miracle. Welcome to the world, little god-daughter! I can't wait to be a part of your life.

How to Switch?

Question: what is the most tactful way to explore seeing a different staff member within the same practice? I really don't think it's going to work out with my new therapist. I don't know how they assigned me to her in the first place. There are two psychologists and a couple of clinical social workers in the practice, all of which do EDs, but I never did any intake survey to see who I'd be most compatible with. I have stuck with it for three sessions now, to give things a chance to work out, and I won't deny that some of her advice is pertinent and thought provoking. But she still makes strange and unhelpful comments. Yesterday we were discussing challenges in being spontaneous, etc, and she actually said "And if you need to, have that meal out with friends and just come home and do an extra 30 minutes of exercise to relieve the anxiety." At first I assumed she was being sarcastic, because I have been explicit with her about the extremity of my exercise issues, but she was dead serious. Also, I think she has a definite problem with the fact that I am not religious. And she makes comments all the time that seem to assume that I have no interest and never get any pleasure out of food, that total "anorexics never eat" stereotype. And I just get this general feeling that she is not listening to my complete answers/comments before she judges them.

I don't think this is what I need right now.

I am really nervous about how to go about requesting someone else. My referral hasn't even processed yet, so I can't just pack up and go someplace else right away without owing them a ton of money and a lot of hassle with my insurance company.

Has anyone else ever requested to switch to a different person in-house?

Confession and Relief

So, I stamped down the anxiety and went out to dinner with Match on Monday night, and it went very well. We were served pretty quickly, and then sat there and talked for about 3 more hours, until they started to close the restaurant. Oops! =)

I didn't get enough to eat at the restaurant, and I knew it (the meals were all way more than I was comfortable with or significantly less than what I knew I needed, plus he only ate about half his meal, which made me self-conscious about scarfing mine). But even though I got home late I did have a snack when I got in, because I knew I hadn't had enough cals at dinner. And then I went to do my usual night workout, but was really tired, and decided to just forgo the last segment, and did not make up for it the next day. Both of which were things that I would never have considered a year or two ago.

We have been trading e-mails every day, and last night I told him about the ED. I just told him that I am "currently in the process of recovering," been dealing with it since age 13, have made a lot of progress but still have some things to work on. I also mentioned that the reason I hadn't told him sooner was that I was never sure whether the issue would "scare people off." Obviously I said the whole story in more words that that, but that was the gist.

So I spent today in suspense as to what his reaction would be. And here it is, verbatim:

Hey [Cammy],
I really appreciate you telling me about your struggle with anorexia. It’s never easy to reveal these sorts of troubles to people and I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to let me know. We all have our demons and they are never easy to deal with, but that is nothing to be ashamed of. It sounds like you have carried yours for a long time but as for it being a deal breaker or scaring people off, I’ve always felt that if people can’t accept our faults along with our merits, chances are we don’t really need them around anyway.

Relief. Whew. Wow.

Weekend Challenges and Successes

So, mi madre came down to visit this weekend, and I actually functioned (almost) like a normal daughter. Part of this was because she didn't arrive until early afternoon on Saturday, which gave me time to do a great deal of working out, and she left before lunch yesterday. So no, I didn't achieve much in terms of giving up exercise persay, but I did do well with eating. Normally, I am so self-conscious about food that I tend to restrict when I have visitors, regardless of my exercise quota for the day.

We went to a local natural foods store and had an awesome meal from their salad/sandwich bar, tons of interesting things to try. Also, I could estimate but not be sure of the calories, since everything was made fresh at the store and not packaged. I did ok with this, and tried a little bit of all the things that looked good, making sure to get protein/carbs and not just veggies. I know I had less than a typical meal-plan lunch, but I also knew that I was going to have a nice dinner later.

That afternoon we were out shopping and I wanted a Frappucino-type drink from a little independent coffeee shop we passed. This is a challenge, again, because I couldn't know the nutritionals like I do for Starbucks and Caribou. I ordered it skim, but what she gave me was essentially a milkshake, it was incredibly thick and rich and even had chocolate in it, although I hadn't ordered that. I drank a couple of ounces of it before I freaked out over not knowing what was in it, and threw it away. So that experiment was a bust, and I was frustrated with myself, but on the other hand I think it is understandable to be frustrated over not being given what you thought you had ordered. Although I do realize that many normal people would have loved to have a shake. Although I was anticipating a big dinner that evening.

Anyway, later that evening we went out to dinner with a few friends, at a nice restaurant with a really interesting menu. This is the big achievement of the day: I totally did not order the same old boring grilled chicken salad that I usually do. I usually don't mention specific foods on here, but this was a special occasion with an interesting dish, and I think (hope) not that trigger-worthy: I had grilled duck with blackberry cognac sauce, mashed sweet potatoes (see, Lisa? ;p) and grilled veggies. I even had some of the cornbread they brought out, plus a crab-stuffed mushroom from the appetizer tray. And I was ok with it, honestly. No panic, even when I tasted butter on the veggies. I traded about half of my potatoes to my mom for a few of her shrimp. Usually starches in restaurants are a HUGE fear food for me, because there's no exact way to tell what's hidden in them.

Granted, part of being ok with dinner was that I knew that I had had less calories than usual for lunch, but I did that specifically so I could enjoy the dinner, and I do think I broke even for the daily total of what I am "supposed" to be eating. I know plenty of people that have a light lunch in anticipation of a big dinner, and my lunch was not restrictive at all, plus the spontaneity of it was a challenge in itself. Plus remember that I could not do my normal exercise routine that night, because my mom was here. That has as much of a behavioral, anxiety-reducing function as it does physiological, calorie-burning utility.

So, those were my successes this weekend, food-wise. No, I was not ED-free, but I did break the pattern of only consuming about half my usual calories when I visit with my family. I am going out to dinner with Match tonight, and luckily he picked a place with an online menu, so I know what to expect. If I can plan what I'm going to have later, it eases my anxiety and keeps me from restricting the entire day in anticipation of the unknown. I know this need for planning is still disordered and is something I need to work on, though.

The only downside to the weekend is that if I try to bring up or even offhandedly mention anything related to my ED, my mom pretty much refuses to talk about it. She will immediately change the subject, without much subtelty. For example, I have been complaining about how my morning schedule is crunched because I can't walk to campus. She asked why, since it's faster to drive than it is to go by foot. I explained to her, with all honesty, that it's because I have to spend time in the morning making up for the calories I would have burned walking to campus, and that adds a great deal of time required to leave the house in the mornings. She didn't say a single word in response to this, and changed the subject.

What did I want her to say? I honestly have no clue. I really can't hold it against her when I myself don't know what I want from her. It's not as though I expect that everything would be fixed if she understood. I suppose I am just sick to death of painting on a Perfect Daughter mask and pretending like I'm not struggling.

Anyway, that last note was not all that positive, but overall it was a nice visit. We shopped the hell out of downtown, my mom was a hit with everyone I introduced her to, and I got to give her the tour of my new campus/lab/office.

Now on to the next challenge in a few hours...

A Question of Timing

So, the Match.com guy (Match, for the purposes of this blog, for now?) is turning out to be, well, I don't know what he's turning out to be, but he's turning out! We've met for coffee a couple of times, are trading e-mails daily, and he wants to go out for dinner tomorrow night.

One thing I'm really uncertain about: when is the best time to open up to him about the ED? He has commented on the fact that I always order drinks sugar-free, and recently seemed interested in the exact reasons I don't eat beef, and so maybe he is already sort of picking up on something. I know many times (not always) guys don't notice things like that, but he is a psychologist-to-be, currently planning on being a therapist someday.

I am not taking it for granted that we're going to become a couple, mind you. But I do think that we will at least be friends. And yet I wonder that if telling him I have this long-term, relapse-ridden disorder will cut off any chance of relationshipness that might have been possible before. Ack. Match is a great guy, but I can understand someone not wanting to involve themself with a girl that has a disease that is notorious for making people emotionally walled-off and otherwise challenging to love. Whether he is a good friend or "more," the ED is still enough of a player in my life that it affects many things that will be hard to hide as time goes on. So really it is not a question of whether to tell him, but when and how. We've been talking for around 3 or 4 weeks now, and I didn't mention it earlier because I didn't want to go through that if I wasn't sure I was going to see the guy again, and now I am hesitant because I actually care whether I see him again.

With all of my other relationships (romantic and otherwise), the ED was something that I didn't open up about until long after I'm sure they noticed, at least to some degree. But I feel like this is different, somehow, like I owe him more honesty up front. Maybe because in none of those situations was I really anticipating becoming involved with someone at a point when I was still getting to know them, if that makes sense. Plus I was with my high school boyfriend before/during the time the ED developed, so he watched it evolve from the ground up and never needed a "confession" from me.

He invited me out for dinner tomorrow. My first thought is that "NO I DON'T WANT TO GO THAT WOULD MESS UP MY ROUTINE." My second thought, is that I can do my routine any old night, but tomorrow night Match wants to go out, so I need to man up and have fun, damnit.

My third thought, though, is that it sort of complicates my mentioning ED issues. Mega awkward, no, to respond to a dinner invitation with a confession to an eating disorder? So then it would have to wait until later. After which point I'm afraid he won't "get" how serious the problem is, if he has already taken me out to dinner and seen me eat.

I could suggest an alternative to doing dinner tomorrow, but what would that option be?

ACK. What was I thinking when I decided to try to date as though I were an actual human? Advice from the peanut gallery???

By the way, the Match.com experience has been interesting. Obviously there are plenty of sleazy people, but I've actually met a few that were articulate and seemed to be interested in more than just "a good time." I've only officially met with two of them, including Match. One problem is that I'm within an hour of a military base, so the overwhelming number of people in my area are Marines, and I'm not looking to be involved with someone in the military (no offense to anyone, I grew up in a military family and HOOAH, but it doesn't mesh with my career plans).

New Therapy Recap

I've been busy and haven't updated much, so I figured I should put in a post about last week's therapy session before I go in for my next one tomorrow.

I guess at this point I should come up with a pseudonymous letter for my new therapist, although sometimes I fear this blog is becoming alphabet soup. Let's call her M.

First of all, M. is a Clinical Social Worker and not a psychologist. I'm not sure why, there are two psychologists in the practice (which is not entirely devoted to EDs, does many women's issues, but EDs do seem to be its bread and butter. Yes, inappropriate metaphor, forgive me). I don't want to be a therapy snob, but I do kind of wish I was seeing a "real" psychologist instead. But I have nothing upon which to base this discrimination, so I'm just going to go with it. The main thing is that she specifically specializes in EDs.

In a nutshell, she's no H. She is younger (H. was 55, M. is 37), but not young enough to make me feel weird. But I thought she seemed too...flippant? I'm not sure how to discribe it. I felt like she acted too young and "hip" in some ways. Maybe she was just trying very hard to be casual to ease anxiety on the first visit.

Two things that irked me:

1) She asked what I am studying for my thesis, and didn't let me get past the first sentence before she just threw her hands up and cut me off with "Oh, I don't understand anything about science! [giggle giggle] I'm a humanities girl." And then carried on to something else. Damn, lady, way to be a good listener. Maybe I am overly sensitive because basically the two main things I have to define myself at the moment are my ED and my research (which I consider to be pretty enthralling, honestly, but if I didn't than I wouldn't be doing it), and I was more than a little annoyed when she just dismissed that.

2) When I told her I wasn't religious, but mentioned that I was raised Catholic, she immediately seemed to assume that Catholicism had traumatized the spirit right out of me, and didn't try to hide the fact that she finds Catholicism to be weird and sort of cruel. That irked me as well. No, I'm not Catholic anymore, but I do still retain respect for some aspects of the Church, and am still irked by anti-Catholic remarks from other Christians that don't understand it. My story of spirituality is an issue for another day, but suffice it to say that I don't like it when people make snap judgments and erroneous assumptions about what goes on in my head regarding faith.

3) She weighs me. H. never weighed me. She trusted me to be honest if she asked what my weight was, and I never lied to her. My eating will be distorted for two days leading up to an appointment if I know I'm going to be weighed. And I'm not at a critical weight right now, so I don't think it should be that important. I told her that, and she just said she won't weigh me every time. But if there is a possibility of it every week, it's just the same as if it were every week.

4) On the issue of weight, she emphasized that the numbers don't matter, she's not setting goals my numbers (then why must she put me on the scale???). She insisted that she wants to help me find balance, and said that "even if you only weighed XX" (XX = a weight that is very, very unhealthy for me, it's what I weighed when I first started seeing H), if you have a fulfilled, balanced life then that's ok. I was floored by this and didn't know how to respond. Even through my ED-tinted glasses I can see that being balanced and being XX are mutually exclusive. Maybe she forgot how tall I was and threw out an inappropriately low number for that reason, I don't know. This bothered me, because I sho as hell do not need any more reasons to balk at gaining/maintaining, I do enough of that second-guessing on my own.

Ok, those are my gripes. I am 100% aware that I may have over-reacted to some things, I was more than a little anxious that day. Remember, I have only met the woman once, and she did have many positive qualities. She was very upfront and didn't sugar-coat anything, which I appreciate. She was on top of medical issues, and made sure to ask about my heart, bones, etc. She was friendly, and did seem to have that demeanor in which she is caring but will give you a kick in the rear when necessary. I didn't hate her, besides the enumerated annoyances. I scheduled appointments for the month of September, and after that I'll re-evaluate and see if I think it looks like this will go anywhere. We didn't even get through all of the case history stuff last week, so it will be a session or two before I get a feel for how much she will push me on hard issues (and no, being pushed is not necessarily bad, I know I need it) and whether having a fresh therapeutic perspective will be a boost in overcoming some areas where I am currently stuck.

Ok, back to work. Being a grad student is rather all-consuming. But you know what? I love what I do. And realizing that my ED is sucking hours of worktime and concentration away from me every day may be something that helps me to get my feet out of the mud on changing some behaviors.