I was procrastinating (I do way too much of this lately) practicing my defense talk again this morning, and pulled up a photo of my tattoo from when I first got it, to compare it to the picture from this week and see how it has "aged". The tattoo itself is fine, still bright and crisp and I still love it (the difference in color is because the first shot still had the scab on it). I was totally taken aback, though, by the difference in my body between the two photos. I guess you don't notice how much your own body has changed over time unless you see a reminder. I don't remember exactly how much I weighed when I got the tatt, but it was likely double digits less than what I do now (which is kind of funny, because I actually originally planned to do it for my 21st birthday, but put it off for more than a year til I'd gained even that much weight. I wish I could say this was entirely to make it a more legit recovery symbol, but to be honest it was partly because I was afraid the image would spread if I put on much weight after I got the ink. Okay maybe I lied, that is not funny, sad perhaps).
Anyway, the basic point is that I weigh significantly more now than I did then. And the key point is that it didn't strike me until this morning just how damn much more attractive that is (not to sound conceited, because we're still talking about this on a relative scale). So much for the diet industry's constant message that thin is always good but thinner is always better.
I think over the past year or so I've just come to appreciate so much how beautiful a woman's body--every woman's body, whether you think you're pretty or not--can be when it doesn't look like a bundle of sticks, and when the person occupying the body doesn't feel like death warmed over. When I look at my "then and now" tatt portraits, it really makes me feel even more resolved that I never want to slide back into that anorexic hell again. I hope that doesn't sound vain, because it's not just about appearance. On a typical day, no one in the world except me will see that tattooed hip. But the emergent point is that I feel so much better, in every aspect of health, and so much stronger and happier with my body, than when the first picture was taken. I think the lesson is more that health is beautiful and empowering than that any specific shape is something to strive towards. Okay was that sentiment cheesy enough for you? Haha. 'Tis true, though. And it makes me a little less freaked out about actually listening to my team and letting myself add some more weight if needed.
Then: Now:
9 comments:
I love the tattoo! It sounds like the picture comparison was really a great opportunity to put health/weight into perspective and have some amazing revelations about how your views are shifting into being more health-based. I'm so happy to hear that you feel better, stronger, and happier in the "now" picture and can see the unhappiness in the "then" picture.
Good luck on your defense! You'll be great!
Sometimes I find myself wondering why I can't fill out tops like my friends and then I realize oh, that requires body fat. So there's still a part of my brain that recognizes normal and healthy as beautiful, despite the anorexic mind.
On an unrelated note, your shorts are cute. (Or is it a skirt?) Either way, I like it!
Anyway, what a beautiful tattoo. And really, you look amazing. I'm so happy for you!
I absolutely do that too, there are so many times I have gotten/do get jealous of people with cute figures, even thought I know that it takes fat to fill those figures out. Silly ED...and they're shorts, lol, thanks, I rewarded myself for tossing my skinny clothes by buying a few new outfits for the summer.
I remember when you posted the photo the first time and think it's just remarkable and a true testament to your persistent motivation to move toward wellness and the resilience it takes to pursue recovery goals, especially when you have done it all without the "jumpstart" and structure of a specialty inpatient/residential unit. It's really so, so difficult to take the initiative to ask for help, do the work, and especially to do it when no one is really looking ... through travel and education situations where you easily could have decompensated without loved ones knowing. I think Match has been a huge support and encouragement, and it reminds me of when I was in college and met my husband. He was the extra oomph I think really helped me to embrace healthier living, gaining weight, feeling some acceptance about it and just being there, physically and in the back of my mind, when maybe I would have wavered or caved and quit. I am so grateful for that period of wellness, growth and accurate perspective on body, self, life without an ED. I thought I would never go back, even though the thoughts were there and the twinges about weight ... I truly thought it was in the past. But I still relapsed, and it is just so much more difficult to undertake the long fight back when you have to start all over again. I'm not trying to be a downer ... my hope for you is that you will tend and keep the insight and feelings you have now, that you have earned through your hard work, so that you don't have to go back to the places so clearly seen as no-good once you're well out of the woods. Congrats to you for the courage to post your journey on a blog and for the honesty and willingness to be vulnerable. It really is good to read/see someone finding the way out. Take good care and be well, my friend ... you have so many great days ahead!
Two things stand out to me:
1) Your skin color is brighter and so much more ALIVE in the second photo!
2) Kind of telling that you're wearing work out pants/shorts in the first one and normal clothes in the second one.
AND! I want to point out that it's not like you've reached "the attractive weight" and any weight higher would swing to unattractive. All evidence points to the idea that a higher weight still would lead to even more color and glow and continued attractiveness and vitality.
go you!
I don't have heaps to say and maybe its just the lighting but even the look of you skin looks so much healthier!
On a random note: I've never gotten a tattoo but if I did, I'd love one that was like an anklet with an intricate pattern in purple, sky blue and gold I think :). Maybe one day!!
Lookin good girlfriend! I notice the difference in the color and "glow" of your skin. Very cool!
GORGEOUS Cammy!! You look so much more vibrant, healthy, glowing skin. Your skin itself looks more well nourished and softer, less dry and deficient.
Keep it up, love the message you are showing us here.
I'm glad you can see how much more beautiful your body is at a healthier size. As someone else said, your skin is just glowing in the second picture compared to the first.
This post has been really inspiring. Thank you!!!
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