So I had a topic planned for a different post today, but now I'm kind of musing about this morning's session with D. Since I'm moving soon, this was our second-to-last session, and I think she's trying to make some strong points to keep me motivated and on top of things over the summer.
In other words, it was a pretty hard, blunt session. Nothing that I probably didn't deserve, though.
(note that I DO talk about weight in this post, and don't use any numbers but refer to broad BMI categories. If there is any chance this will trigger you, PLEASE don't read this).
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One thing D. did was make me calculate (in front of her) my estimated daily energy output (BMR + standard adjustment for being up and moving around + cals burned in my current workout routines). And honestly, as rigidly as I manage all the calories that I take in, I was surprised at how much higher the output number was than I'm currently taking in every day, or what I think I've *ever* taken in on a daily basis. (I AM maintaining my weight solidly, my body is obviously just used to compensating for the deficit). She also hammered on how in order to gain weight, I need to actually increase my food intake, because she thinks decreasing exercise (while still being very important to do) won't affect my weight significantly. This was thought-provoking but didn't really do much to ease my mind about eating more, because it was a reminder that weight gain/loss/maintenance isn't always a function of a strict equation, and that just freaks out both my inner scientist and my inner ED slave.
Then she gave me the sternest weight lecture I've had in a while. Reminder: I have NOT lost weight recently. I weigh more now than I did when I first moved back to College City last year. I didn't even drop any over the course of all the travel I did this semester. My BMI isn't as high as it's ever been, but is still higher than it's been for the majority of my adult life. So those are my points, with the tacit acknowledgment that I can afford to gain more weight. Her point, actually, seemed a bit confusing to me. She insisted I was keeping myself at an "anorexic weight" while also emphasizing how close I am to the "normal" BMI range. I hate the term "anorexic weight", because I think an ED is just as real and legitimate whether you're clinically underweight or not. I think I've also stopped thinking of myself as an anorexic, too, just as someone with a long-term fucked up relationship with food (ED-NOS, if you must apply a label). At one point I was definitely a textbook anorexic, but these days my lifestyle is much different, and I think a lot of those categories are arbitrary after a certain point anyway.
I got the impression that D. thinks I'm intentionally holding myself at this weight because I am afraid of not being Underweight on paper anymore. In other words, I think she was arguing for the psychological value of me gaining the remaining pounds needed to push me into Normal BMI. She made it sound as if the BMI category was more significant that my actual weight.
She is right that I haven't been hugely motivated to gain more weight, since I feel fine, can actually buy (and fill out) clothes in real adult sizes now, and am at a point at which I'm not having the health issues I was earlier in the weight gain process. If that sounds like a list of excuses, it probably is. For me, the weight restoration process has been very stop-and-go. After a couple of fast-gain periods that resulted in spectacular relapses earlier in my ED history (pre-blog), I put weight back on very slowly this time around. And, contrary to the "2 extra Oreos a year equals ten pounds a year indefinitely" type warnings we hear from all of the commercial diet gurus, bodies aren't incredibly linear with their weight management. I tend to hit plateaus about every 5 pounds. Meaning, for Meal Plan X, I will gain weight for a little while and then just maintain at an underweight plateau until I boost the plan again. Pass the damn Oreos.
Anyway, I happen to be at one of those plateaus right now, and have been for pretty much all of 2012. I hadn't really given it much thought, to be 100% honest. My clothes fit, I look like a real life unsick person, I'm not restricting, D. hadn't been mandating that I boost my intake, and so I guess I was just sort of complacent. I don't think complacency is necessarily okay or a valid excuse for lack of progress, but there was no intentional holding back in order to stay out of a certain BMI category. So I felt like part of D.'s platform today was a little misguided, while also acknowledging that I probably should be making more of an effort to gain my last few pounds.
Anyway, I do think that in other parts of our session she effectively drove home the point that I've been too complacent (the word of the day, it appears) with holding onto certain ED behaviors because I can do that and still 'get by', instead of trying to really eject the ED from my life. I think that's true. I still structure my day around a pretty rigid eating/exercise schedule. I really do want to be a normal person with a more flexible relationship with food, and am honestly going to try to establish a more normalized lifestyle when I get to PhD City in the fall, and also over the summer when I'm staying with family. I've been cutting back on the cardio time on my own over the past few weeks, and have a goal for a much lower daily amount to become the routine in my new city.
Allllright, this was a ton of ramble. Today's session gave me a lot to think about. I hope none of this sounds like I'm justifying lack of progress, I'm acknowledging that lack and just trying to explain some of the factors I guess. The only thing I really disagreed with was the weight (no pun intended) D. seems to think I give to BMI categories, which isn't true as I recognize how arbitrary they can be.
After that mess of musing, I bet you wish I'd just stuck with posting corny text messages, right?
3 comments:
My dietician and I have talked in circles so many times around whether or not it's possible for me to be a regular, un-sick person who just has screwy eating habits rather than someone who is actively sick and needs treatment. I don't deny that screwy eating habits are a symptom of an eating disorder, but there are a lot of other factors at play. It's really encouraging that you are almost a healthy weight and don't restrict, so obviously something about what you've been doing in recovery is working.
It's really hard to get motivated when you're feeling good, functioning just fine, and not looking like a skeleton. Plus, it's hard to know what "normal" is when your normal has been disordered for so long. I hate splitting hairs over weight ranges with my D. A couple pounds one way or the other seems irrelevant, but I try to keep in mind the fact that the anorexic tendency is to push that range lower and lower. In that sense, I understand the argument for pushing yourself solidly into the "healthy" range, just to be safe. Easier said than done, I know, and I hate when dietitians get hung up on the BMI charts.
Sorry it was a tough session. As much as I'm a slave to the math of cals in and cals out, it also drives me nuts, because as you say, human metabolism just doesn't work that way. It's tough to be held to a strict BMI, since that's such an imprecise measurement of health, but from a psychological standpoint, it might be helpful (???). Luckily my Treatment Team doesn't really believe in BMIs, so they use my old triathlon race weight as a guide since I was much healthier then.
Maybe if you work at the flexibility that you mention, around eating and exercising schedules, the motivation will come to gain the weight that D wants you to. Take care!
I've been thinking a lot about "recovery" lately and I think that for certain people, it reaches a point where it IS kinda comfortable and easy to go along with....its like compromising with the ed. The ed almost seems to say, "If you continue to not quite live your life to the fullest then I'll pretend not have as much control over your life as I do have..." and because its the order and incessant put downs and instructions are not constantly in our head, we don't worry as much because we're not fighting as much. It's still bloody hard to eat more, exercise less whatever, oh yes, there are still fights then with the internal dialogue, but if we go along quid pro quo, then all is fine and dandy.
The thing is, that its STILL doing damage to our bodies, even if the damage is not as quick and overt as previously and its STILL not allowing us to leave a full life, just a half life...
I kinda think in some ways its harder to overcome the ed at this point because there is less stress on trying to shake it, there are other "things" that become more important and so removing the ed for our lives becomes less important for the time being and things like that. I guess the word complacent is a good one and you're on the only person who needs a kick up the bum regarding dealing with an eating disorder.
sending you a good sized steal capped boot!
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