So I had kind of an interesting conversation with D. during our session today. I think it's commonly accepted that sometimes people with EDs will use vegetarianism as an excuse to limit food options (note that I am NOT indicating that everyone who is a vegetarian does it as an ED thing, just that it's often initially red flagged by therapists when they see it in an EDer). But D. was pretty interested that for me it seems to be the opposite--I actually think I'd definitely be a vegetarian (or pescatarian, I guess, I wouldn't give up sustainable fish) if it weren't for some lingering ED thought patterns.
To try to explain: When I'm making my own food at home I can easily go a week or two without eating any non-fish meat (while still getting plenty of protein in), but when I'm traveling and dealing with airport/restaurant options, I often default to chicken options as "safe" foods (I quit consuming mammals about 4 years ago). This is due to some lingering "food fears" that I have (still not really comfortable with some things often used in veg dishes if I haven't measured them out myself), and the fact that it's way more easy for me to estimate the calorie content of a chunk of grilled chicken than a pasta/rice dish or even a veggie burger or some other vegetarian option. Grains are inherently hard to estimate, and can have whoknowswhat mixed in, whereas discrete pieces of animal flesh are fairly straightforward, even though I find them increasingly unappetizing. So basically, my anxiety over calorie counting is really what's keeping me from completely converting to being a veg/pescatarian, and it's a situation in which choosing meat is actually my way of restricting choices and making different decisions than I would if I were doing it entirely based on my moral conscience and basic preference.
I hope I explained that somewhat coherently. D. said it's the converse of what she usually runs into, which surprised me because a lot of lean meats have the nutritional characteristics of many people's "safe" foods, but it is what it is I guess.
So that's that. We didn't come up with an immediate solution beyond the ongoing issue of getting me to loosen the hell up about calorie counting. I really am increasingly turned off by meat in general, so I think this will be a slow transition but I do want to do it, partly because I'm tired of eating things I no longer really like and partly because it's a way to move forward with not letting the ED make my decisions. I haven't eaten beef or pork in years, so really it's just a matter of poultry. (I don't mean that to sound judgmental! All of my favorite people in the world eat pretty much any form of mammal or bird available in the grocery store, it's just a personal preference).
I'm still confused with her message about my weight. She's pushing for me to get up into the next BMI category (the boot in the ass portion of her approach) while also emphasizing how "little you have left" to restore, which freaks me out and makes me afraid to gain any (the confusing/stilting part of her approach). At this point in my recovery she's focusing on getting me to loosen up my relationship with food rather than boosting a mandated mealplan, so we'll see how that goes. I'm really bummed that I only have one more session with her right at a time when I think I'm getting to the psychological point where I'm more willing to take on challenges.
Alright ladies, I hope everyone is having a great week! Love y'all.
6 comments:
Wow, I'm totally with you on this. I still eat meat for the very reason that chicken and turkey feel super safe to me, whereas vegetarian options like rice, beans, cheese, nuts (and funky stuff like quinoa and bulgur, both of which I have yet to try) etc. scare the crap out of me. I have also pretty much given up red meat, which is both a taste preference and probably also an ED thing. Maybe it's partly because I grew up eating poultry and fish at home, but those have always been safe foods to me. They seem much safer to me (or to my ED) than does a veggie burger with indeterminate ingredients. What does a serving of soy look like? I have no idea!
So yeah, I've read The Omnivore's Dilemma and watched Food Inc. etc. and lots of my friends have made the conversion to vegetarianism. It probably is something I would consider for health, moral, and environmental reasons if I didn't have an eating disorder, but the calorie counting obsession makes that transition pretty much impossible at this point. If I were a vegetarian now, any non-home prepared meals would inevitably be reduced to protein bars.
Yep, you hit the nail on the head, as usual! I love all the veg options IF I'm preparing them but the control freak anxiety in me flares up immediately when I consider them in an eating-out scenario. I've gotten to the point where I'm totally low stress about restaurants as long as there is some chicken/fish option, but that's not necessarily where I want to settle...
My nutritionist does the mixed message thing about weight too- she'd like me to gain, but she's ok with where I am...or when my weight drops, she insists that I do gain but emphasizes I don't have to gain much. It used to confuse the hell out of me. Now I just see her as trying to strike a balance between quelling my anxiety and being firm about Ed. Maybe yours is doing the same thing?
I was the EXACT SAME WAY as you with the meat seemed safer but I was grossed out by it and kinda feared/couldn't count the vegetarian options... I was THE EXACT SAME WAY. I've never met anyone who was like me in that regard!
I'm definitely with you on meat feeling "safer" when out at restaurants. At home I'm mostly vegetarian because I have some real serious fear-issues around meat prep (yes, I'm a scientist, I have no idea why I'm so weird). But when I'm out somewhere, it's so much safer to go with meat/poultry, because there's only so much they can do to grilled chicken, right? There's not a lot hidden there, as there can be with veggie options. Plus, you're right, portion size is much easier to estimate with a chunk of meat than some mixture of grains, veggies, and unknown sauce, etc. I'm glad you brought this up!
This is really interesting. I struggled with the same issue for a long time. I wanted to give up meat, poultry, and fish for ethical and environmental reasons, but the thought of having to order a pasta dish or something with cheese sent me into a panic. What pushed me over the edge was reading Jonathon Safran Foer's "Eating Animals." I finally reached the point where my values were more important than my ED. My family was definitely wary when I went vegetarian, but I think it was one of the biggest things that helped me let go of my lingering ED behaviors and really start thinking about food as more than just calories.
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