Turns Out I Was Wrong

Remember how I was just saying that D. was focusing more on loosening up than mandating a calorie increase?  Turns out I was wrong. This is where I would put my foot in my mouth if I weren't have to cram so damn much food into it.

I had my second-to-last D. appointment this morning, and she was pretty pushy about me adding calories.  She has never set specific calorie goals/increases for me in the entire 2 years I've worked with her, but today she had me figure out an amount to add and exactly how I would do it.  And pushed over and over again about the importance of being compliant even though I don't have to report to her after next week.

 I asked her what amount she thought was reasonable to add, she said she wanted me to figure it out, and then when she didn't like my answer she increased it to what she wanted anyway.

I know I should be beyond this, but I've been vacillating between being hugely stressed and hugely indignant about it all afternoon.  She wants me to eat HOW much right at a time when I'm moving and losing my gym access for the summer?

The thing is, I know that if I were evaluating someone else's case, I wouldn't think it was an unreasonable recommendation for them.  Hypocrisy: 1; Logic: 0.

When I griped that I already get overfull from how much I have to eat at lunch even without this increase, it was a perfect cue for her to give me a boot in the ass about how much I still veggie-load.  Which is totally true.  You know you have a problem when your dietician wants you to cut your produce intake by at least half. Touché, D.

I sort of knew this would have to happen, in some vigorously suppressed corner of my mind.  I've been at a weight plateau for months now that isn't likely to budge unless I change my habits.  As D. has pointed out, my output-input energy balance is awful, and the only reason I'm maintaining my weight on that is that my body has just adjusted itself to the deficit (sorry, metabolism). She also pointed out that that imbalance is probably the reason that I get bad headaches about 4 days a week.  I don't think I'm very fatigued, but she said I'm probably just so used to it that it seems normal, which could very well be true. And when I think about it, there are some new strength training things (healthy, progress-oriented exercise) I've wanted to try but haven't because I am just so drained after all my cardio (mindless excessive ED exercise). When I first started weight restoration, I was floored by just how amazing it felt to have energy again, after such a long time in acute starvation mode, and I would imagine that effect continues as weight/health restoration progresses.  D. and I talked about that, and she emphasized that even though I'm nowhere near as sick as I once was, better is not Better.

I'm also trying to be conscious of the fact that in all of my past experience, more food makes me hypermetabolic for quite a while before I ever add weight (and the effect of boosting doesn't always even get to the weight gain part).  And that I'm supposed to be okay with weight gain at this stage.  Must repeat this to myself over and over. Also, in about 2 weeks I'm heading off to a new tropical country that is much more disease-ridden than any other place I've ever worked, so there is probably a high value in giving my body some extra reserves to draw from so my immune system isn't sluggish going into that.

So that's that.  Think I'm going to work myself up to the new amount over about 3 days, but I guess it's worth at least experimenting with until I leave for my trip.  It seems kind of pointless to me to try to establish any new routines right now, since my entire summer is going to be a nomadic turmoil involving 2 countries and about 5 states, plus a move to PhD City.  But I'm trying really, really hard to respect D's professional opinion and give this a shot.