The Big Picture

I actually went out with friends last night, being all social and normal and such.  Of course I start taking advantage of bonding opportunities like that the last weekend I will be living here. Oh well.  A good time was had.  I have no idea who paid for the last tequila round, but a hypothetical hat tip to you, sir.

We won't dwell on the fact that the only time I allow myself to overshoot my daily calorie budget is when liquor is involved.

Probably wasn't the best strategic move in terms of staying on track with my eating, as I was having a Fat Day, knowingly overshot my calories, and today have that guilt plus the Dead Appetite aftereffect that always happens on nights that I have more than about two drinks.  Still, I'm in a good mood and am trying hard to keep it that way.  

Like I mentioned earlier this week, going through boxes of things from high school can be pretty painful and sobering.  I did it again yesterday afternoon (the last box, thankfully), and this was the one with my senior high school portraits, only two shots of which my mom could stand to purchase because I just looked like death in most of them (those will NEVER EVER see the light of day on the Interwebs).  I also found more essays and poems and such.  So I was pretty downcast and took a break to go for a run (go go endocannabanoids).  While I was running, I was in an ubercontemplative mode, but it basically brought me to this:

 I was so sad and frustrated and unsatisfied for a long time, but when I take a step back I can see that slowly yet surely everything I ever wanted is starting to materialize in my life.  This summer I'm starting research in a place I've been craving to visit since I was a child. I am more credentialed as a biologist every year. I am in a solid relationship (phone spats aside) with a sweet and respectful man. I have the most ideal dog in the world (I miss his slime kisses this week while he's with my parents).  I have a network of professional and casual friends that is stronger than I let myself admit sometimes. My family is healthy and strong and racking up achievements of their own. I am adding states and countries to my Life Travel List left and right.  I have found the absolute best friend of my entire life in Match. All in all can't really think of much  of importance that is missing. 

I still struggle with the ED but am worlds healthier and more functional than I was when I was really enmeshed in it, and am at least a point where I can enjoy trips, wear real clothing sizes, look forward to things like going out with friends on a Friday night  instead of avoiding or dreading those situations, etc. I can go for a run and feel powerful and exhilarated instead of almost passing out. 

I think that the big picture with all of that gets lost in the day-to-day stresses and challenges, but it really hit me during my run.  I think I felt some degree of pride but more than that just relief, plus a dose awe and contrition, because there were so many times I lost all hope that life would ever be worth slogging through another day.  

I guess a lot of frustration and dissatisfaction comes when things don't evolve/unfold as fast as we'd like, but progress is made in its own time as long as we don't give up. 

I hope this doesn't seem silly or self-aggrandizing, but I actually had kind of a light bulb moment while I was pounding pavement yesterday and it felt significant enough to share.

Happy Saturday, love y'all!