Tomorrow is my first appointment with new therapist. I'll see how it goes before I assign her a pseudonymous letter designation. I'm kind of nervous, for reasons that aren't easy to pin down. I know that the first session is usually just a lot of history giving without much feedback. It takes a LONG time for me to warm up to therapists, too. With H., who was/is amazing, it took a good 6 months for her to really crack my shell. I was at a much more preliminary stage in recovery at that point, though.
Another big thing that is always running through my mind before starting to see someone new (this will be my 6th therapist intake session, although only 2 of those were both voluntary and lasted for a substantial length of time) is whether I'm ready for this. Yes, I can go in there and be talked at and give all the right responses and smile and nod and bullshit the whole thing, but am I going to be "into" the work enough for it to be worth the time and money of therapy again? I want to say yes, but I doubt myself regularly.
But: I've sucked it up and made changes in the past. I've gained a lot of weight in the past, and liked my body better as a result. I've loosened routines and rules in the past, and have found it freeing. I've reduced exercise in the past, and not ballooned over night, and it gave me time to put into way more important and fulfilling things. I *want* to be ready enough that I'm giving this thing a go, at least.
I think the therapy would be a benefit for me right now even apart from ED issues, although I'm 100% sure they intertwine with the other stuff going on. I haven't been able to shake this depression, and I'm just so fundamentally disappointed and dissatisfied with what I've built for myself and my options for the next stage of my life, both professionally and personally.
Anyway, big deep breath and I'll see how it goes tomorrow afternoon. :/
8 comments:
Yayayya! So proud of you Cammy! Can't wait to hear how it goes.
good luck!
there were periods where i always had major anxiety before therapy sessions. my therapist and i would spend the first part of the session trying to calm me down.
it's great that you're doing this -- this way you give yourself a real chance to feel better.
remember, of course, there IS an adjustment period. it may be very uncomfortable in the beginning. or it may not.
take care, Cammy. i'm thinking about you
Good luck!*
crossing my fingers that it goes well, and i can't wait to hear about it!
How'd it go, dear??
I have my fingers crossed that it went okay too :) I hope she is good enough for a letter!
Yeah, write an update!
-Your adoring fan
Good luck with your appointment.Good to be going in with an open mind.And remember it's okay if it's not the right fit. Just don't give up seeking!
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