Katie left an insightful comment on the A-Z post about whether I'd discussed my complete absence of maternal desire with my boyfriend. Very good question, especially since we're approaching the 2 year mark and apparently are rather fond of one another.
The short answer is yes. The long answer is, as always, it's complicated.
I've told him that I don't have the desire for kids, and have given him much more reasoned and detailed reasons that I've gone into here. And actually, remember back last August when I was having a quarterlife crisis and tried really, reeeeally hard to break up with him? One of the things on my mind, which I told him at the time, was that if he wants to stay in for the long haul he'd be missing a chance to have a family.
His view on the child thing: I think he likes the idea of having a child that is a mixture of you and the person you love, sort of like a cute novelty pet, but he's had a lot of doubts about the parenting side as well. He is actually GREAT with kids, but he worries he wouldn't be patient enough. He used to work in a program for at-risk teenagers, and I think he likes the idea of continuing to do volunteer work like that, to be able to influence kids' lives without everything that raising one "from scratch" involves.
Another factor is that my EDing over the past 12 years has done a number on me in a few ways, and my heart really is not as strong as it should be. Or my liver. Or my kidneys. I told you 24 is old. So it's hard to tell how that would affect either me or a fetus during a pregnancy, but it could be very risky, since your body is absolutely dumping resources and energy into another human that is stacking-dolled inside you.
By the way, public service announcement to anyone out there with an ED that is amenorrhic: you CAN get pregnant even if you're not getting your period. Being that malnourished lowers the probability, sure, but it's still possible, and it does happen. Anorexia is a lot of things, but it's not birth control. Okay lecture is done now.
By the way, I seriously just contemplated what an awesome word amenorrhic would be to pull out during a Scrabble game. Nerd alert.
So the answer to the original question is that yes, it's something that has been discussed. And Match's response has been accommodating. His exact words when I brought it up in the breakup talk were "I want you, whatever the fuck else will work itself out." Granted, it was a statement given under duress.
Really we're not *there* yet to be talking about it seriously. He did mention that he would be terrified that I would do it for him (I think he overestimates my potential for altruism on that front, but oh well) and then have complications, and he'd never forgive himself.
He mentioned adoption, and that was sort of tenser, because I don't have as good of an excuse there. It doesn't put my body at risk, but I still just don't find myself wanting to be a mother. I am a maternal dead end, my friends, I apologize.
Major disclaimer: I hope this doesn't come off that I am anti-child or anti-parenting at all. I have boatloads of respect for anyone who raises a child. I look at the things my mom has done, and still does, for me, and it absolutely blows my mind that someone could be that selfless. A lot of people would/will make great parents, and we definitely need those people. More and more of my Facebook feed is becoming pictures of people's babies and toddlers growing up, and it really is amazing to observe how people are making such beautiful, healthy, smart little kids.
Anyway, I think the pregnancy/child-rearing issue is something pretty significant for a lot of people with EDs (thanks for giving me a good topic, Katie!). Obviously there are the body image factors, and health risks. Also, I've known people with EDs that were fantastic parents, but I think people with EDs are sort of predisposed to second-guess themselves often and doubt their abilities; I think it's pretty common for us to feel like we're not measuring up, even if we can do/are doing a way better job than the vast majority of people out there.
Okay, it seems like when I blog at night I get the rambles quite badly, sorry. Love y'all, hope you're having a good week.
3 comments:
Arrgh, my long comment got lost- probably some antiramble software:)
I can relate. I used to have practically same opinion on not spreading my genes- well in fact it wasn't very nailbiting question, because I was told multipletimes that my reproductive potential is null. I thought it is evolutionally ok, because mess like me shouldn't produce more mess. Now my weigt is way over reproductive minimum, so I think about it sometimes (not much, but yes- facebook statuses/pictures make me think..;)
The thing is- if my mother analysed the kid question like you, she would never get pregnant. In her family there are/were several people in every generation with mental anorexia and/or depression including suicide. Mum is like the most doubtful person in the Universe (there is a song "It is not bad here, but it could be even better" we always used to sing for her). She has quite a demanding university career and she was quite "old" for her first pregnancy with 32 years etc etc. But she did it and there are four more people in the World. And even if each of them has their own problems and fears, I think on most days we don't want to die or hate Mum for bringing us here. I was thinking a lot about how to die in the past, but it doesn't change anything on the fact I am thankful for the opportunity to live my parents gave me. I think pregnancy and having kids is kind of making future (and yes, there are other ways, but this is exceptional human experience and noone can predict its results).
Oh. I think I just want to say that even though I agree with most of what you've written, "The Kid Question" is not always logically argumentable.
Your PSA was very illuminating.
Off to the google.
This is a very interesting topic. However as a 33 year old I would like to say 24 IS NOT old and I would say even too young for kids. Maybe you will never want them, but don't put it past yourself! You never know...
Glad you found it an interesting question to discuss!
I'm of the same opinion, as I think I said in the post where I asked you this. I don't want kids for several reasons. The main one is that most members of my family have some sort of mild-moderate mental health problem, with mine being the most obvious and extreme history, and my partner also has mental health problems. I am physically very sensitive and don't think I would react well to sleepless nights - if post natal depression didn't get me, I would almost certainly fall down a hole through lack of sleep. While the eating disorder is no longer present in my day to day life at the moment, I don't know how I would react to the drastic changes which occur during pregnancy, and I would hate to relapse into the ED - I don't want to rock the boat. I'm terrified of being/feeling sick and might inadvertently put myself and my baby in danger if I experience morning sickness, by becoming phobic of eating (again). I have spent a lot of my life trying to kill myself, and bringing a new person into a life that I've always felt was rather futile seems a bit illogical. The world is a scary place and I would be the most overprotective mother ever. AND the list goes on and on and on! Above all else, I just lack the maternal instinct. I get gooey over puppies, though, so I can imagine a future as a crazy dog lady :P
This was an interesting post to read, thanks Cammy!
Post a Comment