I'm back in town, 1450 miles, many Starbucks, and a couple of audiobooks later. I had a good visit with my grandparents and mom, and G. was a great road buddy, as always. It can be a bit weird to be back in the town where I went to high school, a lot of memories, some good and some not. I love that part of the country a lot more than where I currently live.
Eating always goes very poorly at my grandmother's house, she just tries so hard to make it easy that she makes it way hard, if that makes sense. She's very attuned to my pickiness and stresses herself out to make things that I'll eat, but often messes up and also watches me like a hawk to see everything I put in my mouth. Plus, a cousin that is staying with them is "on a diet" and is superobnoxious about food all the time. Fun stuff! My mom--who has nevernever had an ED and has a very healthy approach to food--even tries to avoid meals at their house because it's just so stressful.
So all of that made me pretty ready to come home to my own space and routines, but it was bittersweet because I am also coming home to being very alone.
I did get an appointment with a new therapist, although she couldn't fit me in for another two weeks. I have traded some messages with H., though. Mostly to request my treatment record for the new therapist, but just being in contact with her also been a nice reminder that I actually did tackle this, starting from a much weaker position, in the past, and I can do it the fuck again if I put my mind to it.
So the main goal for the rest of the week, I guess, is to get back in the saddle with eating, which deteriorates a lot when I'm traveling. According to my grandparent's scale this morning (the balance kind they use in doctor's offices, not a digital one) I'm the lowest weight I have been in a while, although some of that could've been dehydration. Not happy with that and truly am going to rev back up to meet meal plan tomorrow. I've also got some writing and work to catch up on, the usual. Really making an effort to keep myself busy in order to stave off the boredom/isolation/apathy until things pick back up again here for fall semester.
I am WAY behind on blogs but will be working on catching up, love y'all!
5 comments:
You can do it Cammy! I kinda understand the grandparent thing. My grandparents know I struggle to eat so will feed me ANYTHING that I will eat but then make a big deal about it and its so I don't know HARD and argh. I know they love me but its not the easiest thing in the world.
I'm glad you had a reasonable trip though. I'm also glad that H has been able to help you out and I REALLY hope that the new therapist is really really good.
Thinking of you miss xo
i only have a minute right now, so - more later, but i am wondering why you were dehydrated?
Dehydration: I've done a job on my kidneys over the past decade or so (malnutrition/weight issue, not with alcohol), and they don't function incredibly efficiently, which means I drink ridiculous amounts of water. I had been on a road trip, so I had both had caffeine and had tried to limit other fluids to avoid needing pit stops too frequently. Plus I usually don't drink as much at other's people's houses as I do at my own, since I don't have my huge water glass to carry everywhere with me.
It's not easy, but doable, it really is. (This has been my mantra in last days).
It's SO good you have H. and her emails and the perspective of therapy, but honestly I can't imagine recovery without friends or at least close people. (Despite me being pretty hermitic and sometimes enjoying it, without someone to be with through this illness, I may never come to accept that I need real help. And that sometimes I can help them and share things). YOU are helping so many people with this blog and I have a feeling that you would be a great friend in real life and maybe there in your town are people who feel isolated or who would like to meet a friend like you. Are there any places or free time clubs you could go to/enjoy/try? I hope I am not too personal, I just think it's such a pitty for someone with your potential to just surviving till fall semester in isolation which is the main trigger for all bad rituals, overexercising and overthinking things. At least for me. And it hurts. I wish you feel better and your next days will bring you some peace. xx
C, so happy you are going to start seeing a therapist again - I think it can really help. Please hang in there, you're awesome. xo
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