Stuck for a Title, Sorry

So, yet another longish break without an update.  I've been working very hard to keep myself busy since I moved in down here, and honestly haven't had a ton to report.

Truth is, I feel myself slipping, mindset-wise.  I am so incredibly unhappy here, this school was the biggest mistake of my life. And I just don't give a shit about anything right now.  I had a week or two where I cried all the time, and now I'm just feeling more and more numb.

  I remember one time, a little over a year ago, when I was doing a lot better with ED stuff, when I told my then-nutritionist (miss her, wish I could afford her now that I'm back) "I used to keep myself so thin because I was hurting, it was the only way I knew how to express it. Now I'm not hurting anymore, and I'm just trying to figure out how to get back up to speed without going crazy." Well honestly, I'm hurting now, and over the past few days I've had some thoughts that really scare me, that are sort of a reversal the progress I was describing in that exchange.   I don't really know how to describe it. That transition from being afraid of pain and emptiness to craving it. I just don't give a fuck and losing weight is the only way I know how to pretty much flip off life at the moment

 I really think I need to be seeing someone.  I'm so ashamed to have to ask my parents for money, and honestly they don't have it right now; my mom quit her job to go back to law school a couple of years ago, my dad is about to retire, one brother is starting college in the fall and the other just started driving. I'm a fucking adult and need to handle things like a big girl. Plus my parents have sunk thousands of dollars into therapy for me already, just to end up back here...

A few people have suggested going to the campus counseling center, which is indeed a good idea, but typically those don't treat eating issues, because EDers are such a medical liability.  When I reached out to campus services when I felt a relapse coming on as an undergrad, I was "referred to the community", which meant they told me to call my insurance company and see if they'd cover anyone in private practice because the campus counselors wouldn't touch my bony ass with a ten foot pole.

Right now I'm hanging in with eating, but exercise is way out of control, and I know that it is so, so easy for me to slash my food intake if I don't make a conscious effort to keep it up, and that's what my mind has been playing with lately, it would be especially easy with all the traveling I'm doing this summer.  My weight isn't in a big danger zone right now, I've been much, much worse, but it's below healthy and down double digits from what it was a year ago (which still wasn't quite to healthy BMI at the peak) and I am scared by how easily I accept and almost like that.

Okay, a few random other updates:

--You know you have body issues when....the most uncomfortable part of a gyno appointment is when the doctor has her hands on your stomach.  Lol...and yes that appointment was the highlight of my day yesterday because I actually got to talk to someone for about 45 minutes.  :/

--A short while ago I mentioned M. and I were in a period of really awful bickering and spats, and that has, thank god, ended.  We finally had a pow-wow on the phone one night, both got out a bit of pent-up emotion, and we've been back to sweet selves ever since then and all is well. He will be here in five daysssss!!!!

--One positive point I'll concede about this move is that my neighborhood is a lot more pleasant than the last time I lived here, much better for dog-walking and convenient to campus.  Except for the kamikaze chihuahuas and poodles that for some reason think they can hunt down my 75 pound dog like little furry bullets.  Seriously? If my dog had a mean bone in his body he could snap you in half in a heartbeat, yappers, so leave us alone!  It really is a pet peeve of mine (no pun intended) that small dogs can get away with such awful behavior, being little is no excuse for bad manners.

--I won't/can't go into details, but my major professor has made a huge mess of the budget for the project that was my entire reason for moving back here in May instead of August, and I am pissed, frustrated, and increasingly jaded about academia.

--The campus gym is closed for the summer, so I got a membership to Gold's Gym. I just felt the need to issue a public review, because I've found the equipment to be very poorly maintained and unclean, I disinfect everything both before and after I use any machine.  It's the chain's newest location in our city, but it looks like they got the equipment at a surplus sale or from another gym that was going out of business.

--One benefit to membership is that I get to do the classes free, so I think I'm going to start going to yoga sessions a couple of times a week.  I have a DVD I do at home, but it's not the same, and I've never been able to afford group lessons.

--I think I'm going to get another tattoo soon, right after Match visit (he's not enthused about it, but oh well). For those of you that are newer readers, there is a post about and picture of my first tattoo, the ED recovery symbol. I'm really undecided about whether to get the next one (this one will be a four-word quote) on shoulder blade or upper arm part of shoulder (what you'd see if you saw me standing perpendicular to you).  I'm not putting the decision to an official vote, but I'm interested to hear your opinions and stories of any of your tattoos! What do you have, where, why, if you feel like sharing?

Anyway, that's the state of things at the moment.  I've been a bit behind on blog-reading since the move, but am trying to get caught up, apologies if you get tardy comments from me on week-old posts. Love y'all.