The issue of personal accountability is interesting to me, because it differs so much between people. For me, I am very passionate about my research and work. I have to keep myself at least robust enough to go do pretty strenuous hiking and lifting while staying in very rustic conditions in the tropics for weeks at a time. My muscles, bones, immune system, etc need to be up to speed. Being able to perform as I need to on the next trip (I'm always planning the next excursion as soon as I return from the last one) is something that keeps my head on at least marginally straight. It doesn't make me try to regain weight as much as I know that I need to, but it definitely keeps me from allowing myself--or, the important part, even WANTING--to lose more weight. I don't handle the situation ideally, but it is something that lingers in my thinking when I'm having major ED temptation.
Along the same lines, one thing I HATE about my overexercise is how much time it takes out of my day that I could spend working. I do great with productivity, have always gotten top grades, etc, but I know I'm not maximizing what I actually *could* do if I didn't waste X hours every day burning calories that don't need gotten rid of.
Another career-related accountability factor: I go to a few conferences every year, and later this year will be interviewing for PhD positions. I need to look reasonably healthy, I need to be on top of my mental game, I need to have enough of a handle on food to appear comfortable in public eating situations. I need to look like someone that is up to the job of managing and executing a project involving tens of thousands of dollars and heavy travel. I remember one time, early in my recovery, when H., my therapist at the time, was talking to me about an upcoming conference I was attending. She said "People are going to look at you and know you have some problem, what are you going to do to handle that?" Kind of a blunt, Tiger Mother comment (see Hiker RD's great post on Tigering in therapy), but it has stuck with me and it did definitely influence my subsequent behavior.
I'm afraid I risk sounding shallow with this one: I want my boyfriend to find me attractive. M. has told me outright that he liked my figure better when I weighed more (he didn't say this critically or to make me feel bad about myself now, by the way, we were just having an honest conversation about image issues). Now that he has moved 600 miles away for grad school, I only see him for one long weekend (4-5 days) a month. Wanting to be healthy enough to be happy and engaged (NOT in the marital sense, don't get the wrong idea!) with him, and, to be very honest, wanting to have a little bit of junk in my trunk for him, has definitely been a way for me to handle sticking to my meal plan every day and adding back some of the weight I have dropped on recent research trips. Now I don't mean to sound unfeminist. I don't typically make decisions based on what men think, and am almost pathologically independent. And M. is not appearance focused or shallow, it's not that I'm afraid of losing him if my figure isn't pleasing. But with all honestly, it feels good to feel hott sometimes.
I'm afraid I risk sounding silly with this one, but I'm being honest here: being a good owner to my dog. I would imagine this is a microcosm of what it's like for people with children. He is ultra-attached to me.. He was abused before I adopted him, and has major abandonment issues. Also, when I'm not doing well with the ED, I am grumpy, temperamental, and constantly occupied, stressed, and rushing. Much less time for pre-bedtime belly rubs, much more likely slam things, get frustrated, etc, which stress him out even if they're not aimed at him. Not to mention that he would get much less enrichment if I wasn't healthy enough to walk him enough, or if I was so withdrawn and antisocial that he didn't get to go on outings with me or meet as many people. I'm not one of those people that totally personifies/infantilizes their pets, but G. is indeed very important to me.
So, share with me: What keeps you accountable? Either inside or outside therapy. I'm really interested to hear about other people's motivators and raisons d'etre of recovery.
A few updates from this week:
- I got an out-of-the blue e-mail from someone I worked for when I was in high school, and it meant a lot to me. She recently joined Facebook and was just commenting on the things I've done over the past few years. I did discuss my ED a bit with her while I worked for her, and she has never dealt with the issue but was definitely supportive and tried to be understanding. It touched me that she thought to look me up after over 5 years have passed.
- Yesterday, for various reasons, I missed a workout that representing 25% of my total daily exercise time. I partially compensated by doing a bit of yoga later, but for less than half of the time that workout would have been. And I did nothing else, foodwise or exercisewise, to compensate. Score?
- I am so ready for winter to be over. Anyone else want to stage a protest? Or stow away to the equator with me in a couple of weeks? ;p
Love y'all!
7 comments:
I think that my number one reason for wanting to get better was realising that it's the only chance I have of getting rid of the 'ED thoughts' and the neverending feelings of guilt and self-hatred. I lost weight because I thought by eating less I could get rid of my guilt, but it never really worked. There are hundreds of other reasons, too: I want to have the energy to do things I want to do (go on long walks, watch birds, ski) and to do well n my degree (and eventually my career). I want to make my mum happy. I want to stop fighting with my boyfriend over food.
And well done with not compensating for the missed workout. Definite score! (Sorry if that sounds patronising- I don't mean it too. I know I find any changes to my exercise routine almost impossible to deal with.)
Hi sweets - this is such a nice post! I am not doing so hot at the moment due to stress - I wish I had something that kept me accountable most of the time. I suppose my husband and seeing his face when he knows I've been sick. I can't bear the thought of dying and leaving him on his own. Also, just don't have the time for disordered behaviours sometimes when, as you say, I need to be at the top of my game at work. P.S. I always cringe for you when you talk about the X hourS, plural, that you need to work out in a day. I'm hoping that is not more than 2, and even that sounds unnecessary, doesn't it? Even for someone who was intentionally trying to lose weight? I know you are not trying to prevent weight gain, but it sounds like an almost insurmountable barrier when you think about it in the plural. I wish I could do more to help! Sending you hugs. -CG
Hi. I really hesitate to write this, and I'll probably wish wasn't so blunt after the fact. Probably the real answer is to just stop reading your blog as opposed to tell you what I really think. I know that. I also know it's pretty lame of me to post this as "Anonymous." Still, I'm going to tell you what I've been thinking lately:
I've been thinking that this is getting old. You know you have an eating disorder. You have motivations to recover. However, you don't do much about it. I have read your blog form the beginning, so I do acknowledge you've made tons of progress. But, when it comes down to it, there are 2 rules to recovery: Eat your whole meal plan. Follow your exercise plan. For you, that means eat more and exercise a lot less. Look, you are so passionate about your research and your work and that's fantastic. I think because you keep your eye on your research, you never really prioritize your recovery. In my opinion, if you don't start seeing following your meal plan and decreasing your exercise as your priority, then you're going to be a middle aged -- and eventually elderly -- woman who is still engaging in the same disordered habits that keep people looking at you oddly and keep you not fully living life. My point is. This is getting old. This is lasting too long. It's time to prioritize your recovery. What stops you from prioritizing it? What stops you from prioritizing cutting out exercise? (yes, cutting out. not just decreasing. because I'm like you. I had a major exercise addiction and I just had to cut it out completely for years to get over the compulsion).
Face it: you have an eating disorder that is threatening to cripple you for the rest of your life. You are really close to becoming someone who has an eating disorder forever.
But you can do something about that. You can change that.
Acknowledge that you need to spend a lot of your time and energy on NOT doing eating disordered behaviors.
There are just a couple of rules:
1) stop exercising (yes, cold turkey)
2) eat your full meal plan
And the anxiety that results will suck. And that's all there is to it. It will suck. But you'll make it through.
I just wish you'd prioritize your own recovery. Put it first. What stops you from realizing that if you don't make recovery (eliminating behaviors) your number one job right now then you are at a high risk for living a life as a girl/woman with an eating disorder. And everyone around you will know it. And you'll miss out on life.
What stops you?
Enough is enough.
Put yourself first.
Anonymous,
Well that was indeed blunt, and it did kind of upset me at first, but only because I know you're pretty much on target. I can't really argue with any of it because you're not wrong. Except for maybe the part about me using my work to divert my attention, I truly, truly am into what I do and it helps to keep me afloat as much as I am at the moment. Anyway, this thing gets pretty damn old for me too. I bet long-time readers could pretty much write their own Cammy Post by now. "I'm exercising too much, blah blah blah. I wanted to be healthy on this trip....but ended up not doing well on it, blah blah blah. I miss my old therapist, blah blah blah..." The blog is stagnant, that's been at the back of my mind for a while, and I hope to god that it's not becoming triggering for anyone. Other than that I don't know what to say. I try to be honest in my posting, and the fact is I'm not doing ideally. But I'll reassess and try to make it less tedious, I would imagine it does get pretty tiresome for readers after a while. I even considered stopping the blog, but I just need the outlet sometimes and value the connections I have with people, it's kind of a lonely time for me.
I can handle the bluntness, by the way, even if it stings, but the only thing that really hurts me about your comment is that you say you've been reading from the beginning, and comment on the fact that you're commenting anonymously, which leads me to believe you usually don't and are someone that I know fairly well. This automatically makes me feel awkward and tense with everyone that I know online who has been reading for a long time, because under the surface I'm wondering if it was them and hurt that they didn't trust my rationality enough to post as the person I know. Just sayin.
I wasn't the Anonymous commenter, but I read that comment as if it were written to me as well. I'm in the same boat and it all applied to me as well.
However, this is not about me ;) I just wanted to say that I don't think the point of Anonymous was to say that the blog was stale, people were sick of reading it, etc. I don't think they were talking about the blog at all, but rather your life--real life.
They were pointing out that you do have all the keys to move forward with your life, but you (and me) choose to keep repeating the same cycle, doing the same things (exercise) and writing the same type of posts. For me in my life, my own cycle is old and stale. I'm sick of it as well. Maybe you can't relate, but that's what I got out of it.
This will sound weird, but I sometimes wish someone would say exactly what that comment said to me. I'm sure they have in the past and I've dismissed it, but whoever left it (not me, remember) seems to have your best interests at heart--not those of the blog or making it more interesting for readers, but for you and your life.
I would be ticked they did it anonymously though, as I pretty much just put it all out there and like it when others do as well. At any rate, disconnect the comment from your blog and apply it to your life. The blog is simply a vehicle for expression, in my opinion.
Abby, I agree with you. When I say something blunt, which I do on occasion, I say it as myself precisely BECAUSE that person knows it is coming from me, has a relationship with me, and knows I don't mean to hurt them and only want the best for them. If I was to say it as "anonymous," it just seems...cold? Maybe a little untrustworthy? Blunt words spoken outside of the context of a loving relationship don't change people very often or very deeply. That's why street preaching is often perceived as offensive and ineffective.
That being said, C, I think this commenter had a good point although I would say it in a lot less harsh manner (like Abby, I think they were referring to your life and not your blog-honestly, your blog is always interesting!) I hope you can prioritize your recovery, and I know that YOU wish this, as well. I'm glad you have work and your relationships to keep you feeling like you have something to live for. It is my sincere hope that someday you will realize that YOU are worth living for, fighting for, too and that you will be able to fully beat this thing!
Oh, and Abby, we can get to know one another better and I can say it to you if you want, also in a less harsh manner :) I think anonymous's comment actually is an important message for anyone with an eating disorder to hear, so if you think it rang true for you, write it down and post it somewhere where you will see it every day. Call it a message from your healthy self!
Just wanted to update that the anonymous person actually contacted me privately to identify themself and discuss things a bit more in depth, and they did have a very valid reason for keeping their name off the comment. Anyway, I appreciate your support and insights, as always, just letting y'all know that what bothered me about the situation is resolved and the points made the comment (and the subsequent ones) have definitely been on my mind a lot.
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