Therapy Outing and Inpatient Treatment

So, C. decided that we're having a "therapeutic outing" tomorrow: we're meeting at the mall to shop for an outfit for a big event I'm attending next week. This should be interesting.

Ok, Formspring has failed me tonight. I received a really great question and wrote a long answer, and then it just disappeared when I tried to save it. I'll try to reconstruct it here. I don't know who asked the question, and I apologize that I can't quote your words in the question verbatim, but the main idea was:

Have you ever been hospitalized/inpatient for your eating disorder, and if not then why? What has worked best for you in your treatment history?

This question made me want to change my answer to a previous question about what my greatest regret has been. I really wish that I could go back in time and force my 13 year old self to go inpatient. At one point I was so severely medically unstable that I am still shocked the doctors didn't make my parents hospitalize me, but they were in deep denial and highly resistant to any disruption of what would appear to be a normal family life. They said they didn't want me to have to repeat the 7th grade, that being away from the family would make things worse, and we lived in a very small town and word would have been out in no time that I'd been shipped off to a loony bin. (Note I do NOT think IP counts as the loony bin, but you know how things tend to twist when people gossip).

And of course I jumped on any excuse not to go, because I didn't think I was "that sick" (despite the fact that I laid awake almost every night because I was afraid my heart would finally give up and stop if I went to sleep) and just wanted to be left the hell alone to my lettuce and treadmill.

In retrospect, I think the best thing that could have happened to me would have been to have an aggressive and thorough intervention very early in my anorexic "career." I think that if the issue had been tackled and rooted out during that first round when I was 13, my life over the past decade would have been very different indeed. As it was, it was largely swept under the rug and allowed to fester for years and years. I had ups and downs, periods where I gained weight back and the relapsed, but never at any time gave up disordered patterns. I can't say for sure that IP would have "cured" me, I have no way to know that, but I think it would have at least been worth a shot.

So my therapy history, in a nutshell:

Age 13 (sickest point, rock bottom): My parents force me to see a family therapist with no ED experience. I lose weight while seeing her, and she fires me after a couple of months. I had one appt with a dietitian, who had no ED experience either and just basically told me to eat whatever I wanted. Which was nothing. Which was a problem, apparently, that she didn't know how to deal with.

After I quit seeing that first therapist I actually did gain my weight back and had a healthy (meaning weight almost in the healthy BMI) year. I never gave up the calorie counting, exercise, etc, though.

Major relapse the first year of high school. Kept myself very ill and disordered yet functional, at least, throughout high school. Summer after junior year my boss wouldn't let me come back to work unless I sought help (at many points, I think that the only person I was able to hide my ED from was myself). So she gave me one day off a week so that I could drive an hour to a big city to see an ED specialist. I was totally resentful of being forced into this, didn't like the therapist at all, and she fired me after about 4 visits. The only thing I liked about her was the cat she kept in her office. Anyway, I kept taking that day off for the rest of the summer, using it to get in extra gym time, and my boss never knew the difference.

I maintained at unhealthy yet functional levels as I started college. The spring of sophomore year at college, I worked up the courage to go to the campus counseling center, and was turned away, they "didn't do eating disorders." Major invalidation and bursting of courage bubble.

Then I had a major relapse again the summer after sophomore year of college, weight dropped almost as low as that first near-lethal rock bottom when I was 13. I came back for the fall semester my junior year , had a huge class/activity load, and was really just not making it. I had been swearing for years that I'd never set foot in a therapist's office, but I finally broke down and found a psychologist (I was 21). That woman totally saved my life, no exaggeration. It took me a few months to warm up to her, but she didn't fire me, and I hung in there to give it a chance that time. I had nothing left to turn to. I've been in therapy continuously for 2.5 years now. I moved last summer and had to switch treatment teams, now I see an LCSW. I can tell a huge difference between her approach and that of my psychologist's, and I liked the psych better, but that could be just individual differences. I saw a dietitian a few times in my old city, but never really got into it. The one I see here (D) is WAY better and I see her as often as I can afford (about twice a month).

Ok, loooong answer, that I have written twice now, I hope I didn't leave anything out! The main issue was IP, which I have not had experience with, so I apologize I can't offer much advice about that. The rest is just rambling, I think, apologies for the length...

I have a couple more Formspring questions in the queue, to be answered soon and in the order they are received, keep 'em coming!

<3

Honesty

I would argue with the title of this post, because you don't have to be a boy to be uncomfortable with expressing emotion or pain. But I did identify with the chart itself enough that I felt compelled to pass it on:

A Salute to Side Effects

Dear Birth Control,
Thanks so much for the help in the boobage department! I am totally in love with the new breastesses. This is awesome and I promise to take good care of them. Keep up the good work! K bye.
<3
Cammy

Rebooting Challenges and Formspringing

So, I haven't gone into much detail about this, but I kind of fell of the wagon around spring break and didn't make much of an effort to get back on. Last couple of weeks of therapy have been a little intense. I can tell I've disappointed C. I feel like crap. I've had some good days mixed in there, like this past weekend, but the overall trend has been negative. So yesterday I made a point to start eating better again, and today I laced up my big girl boots and decided to take the exercise challenge on again, going to really try to regain some balance this week. It always frustrates me when I start doing the "right" things and don't feel better right away. "I've had good meals for the last 24 hours, why do I still feel like shit?" Right...debts to your body run a bit deeper than that and don't disappear overnight, I am just not used to admitting I'm human.

A few weeks ago I joined Formspring and mentioned it on my blog, got a couple of questions right away, then promptly *forgot* about it. I think I assumed the site would send me an e-mail notification if anyone actually asked me a question, but apparently it doesn't work like that. So I randomly remembered it and signed in today, and sho 'nuff, I had 5 questions that have been sitting there for a minimum of 2 weeks! So sorry if it looked like I was ignoring y'all! So anyway, here is the Q&A so far, don't hesitate to ask me more if you'd like! I am Cammy4B on formspring.me. I do try hard to protect my identity, so I can't answer anything extremely specific ("What is your social security number, your middle name, your place of birth, etc"), but I do welcome questions, ED-related or otherwise.

I don't understand the point of a formspring instead of having people just ask you questions in the comments-enlighten me and maybe I will get one!

I'm not exactly sure either, just trying this out. Except I'm never confident that people come back and check comments, so I'm never sure if they see my answer or if other people see my responses.

How would you describe yourself in 3 words?

Structured, over-analytical, curious

Hi Cammy, love your blog! I was wondering if Provera was able to bring on your period? I wasn't that lucky so just went straight to the pill :/

Sort of. About 3 days after my run of Provera ended, I had extremely (EXTREMELY) light spotting for about 24 hours. We're talking hardly enough to even warrant a single pad. That was it.

What would your ideal future look like?

I don't want to get too specific, for purposes of anonymity, but I am extremely passionate about my work, so ideally I want to keep myself healthy and balanced enough to keep doing what I love and contributing to my profession. With plenty of travel, books, and peanut butter to make it even more ideal. ;)

What are the 3 most beautiful things about you?

My loyalty, my drive, and my sense of humor.

What do you consider to be your biggest accomplishment? What is your biggest regret?

Wow, tough. Biggest accomplishment is my college experience as a whole. Beyond the degree, I did so much growing up, branching out, and coming into my own during that time. I really felt like I found my place in the grand scheme of things. Biggest regret is that I do not see more of my grandparents, who are very special to me, but geography works against that.

This Week's Good, Bad, and Ugly

The good:

This week is going better. Better, meaning I don't constantly feel like dissolving into tears. Ok it is better than that, I am a lot calmer and more balanced, last week was rough. M's bday was this week, and I rocked the food challenges. We ate out for dinner the night before and bfast the day of, and I had good portions of "real" foods both times. Score.

Also, I've been HELLA busy with school/research stuff this week. That is not a bad thing, I tend to do best when I have a lot to work on, it keeps me busy and gives me a sense of accomplishment when I finish. I think one of the reasons I've been so unhappy since I moved here is that there just isn't as much going on at this school to keep me busy, to push me, etc. Grad school is turning out to be a joke compared to undergrad.

The bad:

Have not only not done any challenge days with exercise for over a week, but have been inching back up above what the new threshold was. Including adding running again, which I gave up about about 3 years ago due to bad knees. I am not running for anywhere NEAR what I used to, and not every day, and am doing it outside, instead of my former ritual treadmill sessions so that I could have all "my data" spread out in front of me in LED. So those are my "but but" caveats, but I know I need to keep tabs on myself to make sure I'm still running because I love it (I do) instead of a disordered sense of obligation.

Definitely feeling the drain/lack of energy after over a week of pushing it past the max again. And have so much work to do (see above), I need to reassert my priorities and do better with that next week, it's not as if I don't have anything else I could be spending that burned time on.

The ugly:

OB/GYN appointment later this morning. :/

A Short on Shorts and Other Miscellany

Randoms before I head out for the night:

--Temperatures are finally warming up, and today was the Annual Trying on of Shorts After Winter. I dread this every.single.year. And especially this year, because although I haven't been gaining weight rapidly, I know I've put some on since I last wore shorts in September/October. I was only brave enough to test one pair, and was so relieved when they fit that I figured I would stop while I was ahead.

--Match has a nice dinner + beachwalk date planned for us. Very romantic, so I didn't have the heart to tell him I think the beach is kind of gwoss. I'm pretty outdoorsy and not squeamish at ALL, don't get me wrong. I love combing for shore critters. But I don't like feeling gritty. But anything with him is usually fun, so it'll be ok.

--The reason this bears any relevance for this blog is: that my first thought when he suggested this plan was "Ew, sand." Contrast that to last fall, when we had a similar night planned, and my first thought was "Great, some exercise after dinner." Times they are a-changing, slowly but steadily.

--In case anyone is interested in the birth control situation (not that I really think anyone is interested in my lady parts, but I am continuing updates on this in case there is anyone else out there like me that has anxiety about going on pills and is looking for anecdotes), I've been on the birth control for almost a week now, and if anything my weight is down a bit. Only noticeable side effect is nausea, and sometimes light-headedness in the evenings right after I take it.

My internet went out literally while I was in the process of writing this, and I'm supposed to leave in 10 minutes, so maybe the post won't go up tonight after all, damn.

(8 minutes later) Ok I am back online just in time to walk out the door, adios mis amores.

Analogy of the Day: Cigarettes Kill You

Dietitian: When you're tempted to restrict or exercise to cope with stress, what do you think you're going to get out of it in the end?

Cammy: When a smoker lights up a cigarette, what do they expect to get out of it "in the end"? Their need for it is all that matters in the moment, isn't it?

Dietitian: *blink*

Cammy: *checks watch*

Dietitian: That doesn't make lung cancer any less deadly though, does it?

Cammy: *blink*