Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Recovery and Control
Most of Emily Troscianko's columns hit home with me, and this one felt like it was both general enough and (as always) wise enough that it deserved to be shared. It's basically a narrative blueprint for recovery that is sympathetic to the fact that it can be hard, unpleasant, and frustrating, but still necessary, and that a huge component to getting well is a shift in your perception of the power dynamic between yourself and the disease. I don't buy into the paradigm that EDs are "all about control," but I also don't think think that's the idea she's putting forth here. And I do think that control is often at least a part of it for many people (it certainly is for me, perhaps with this year's relapse more than ever). Anyway, let me know what you think if you have time to read it.
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5 comments:
This definitely rang true for me. One of the most significant steps - in terms of impact on my recovery - I've taken was giving up the scale. And I think that was because it allowed me to stop approaching everything I did from the perspective of controlling that number. I don't know my weight right now (I have a rough idea and I'd be surprised if my guess were off my more than 3-4 pounds) but I don't wake up with this sense of dread every morning knowing that the number will tell me how "controlled" i need to be that day, if that makes sense. I used to think that knowing my weight was necessary (same with counting calories) because I needed that barometer for where I stood, but ultimately I think it was just keeping me stuck because I was always white-knuckling my way through life trying to control that number. Still count calories unfortunately, and I now think it does more harm than good by maintaining that illusion of control.
Some thoughts I had as I read the article:
1) All of these phases sit on the pre-requisite that one has decided to get better and fully understands that getting better includes eating more. This article also sits on the assumption that you don't forget that you've decided to get better. I am truly and pretty deeply fully recovered now. I really can't identify any lingering eating disorder or body image issues. People often ask me how long does it take to get better and my standard answer, which I believe is, "it doesn't take that long once you get traction." But people can spend a lot of years without traction in their recovery (including me). I think a few things helped me get traction, but one of them definitely was that I was 100% sure I wanted to get better and stopped losing sight of that goal and was 100% clear that in order to get better I couldn't do eating disordered things (like not eating enough). Mostly, I stopped forgetting that I wanted to get better. Getting better was crystal clear for me as a vision for my future.
2) I was talking with a client the other day, and I was saying that recovery, in the early and middle phases at least, is pretty black and white: one cheerio too little = restricting even though we all know that one cheerio is like a tenth of a calorie or something. However, I believe it is very helpful to have black and white, clear cut language around what constitutes an eating disorder behavior. Restricting = ED. One cheerio too little = restricting = ED. Therefore, if you want to get better, you cannot do ED things, so you cannot leave the one cheerio behind. (If that makes sense). The black and white view of recovery helps you know how to get better and how to get better, while not easy, is actually simple: if you do not want an ED, you cannot do ED behaviors. I see a lot of people continue to be stuck in their ED for years b/c they rationalize and normalize ED behaviors ("other non-ED people do them" "but this doesn't cause weight loss" etc.) and continue to use their ED while saying they want recovery, but they kind of trick themselves into thinking they're not really using their ED (one cheerio left behind can't really count, can it?) b/c they are not applying the black-and-white recovery concept. Hope that makes sense.
3) hm... what were my other thoughts? ha! I'll come back when I remember them!
Wow, thanks for sharing those thoughts. I think you're right: traction is something I'm still struggling with, as well as still letting myself leave behind metaphorical cheerios while telling myself it doesn't matter. You gave me some good things to think about here; thanks. <3
Omg Laura that traction comment - THANK YOU. That makes so much sense and totally rings true for me. I was in treatment but not "recovering" for YEARS. Then it was like a switch flipped and recovery started to happen all at once. I had to decide I wanted to get better - like really want it, not just to NOT want the ED, if that makes sense. Thank you for articulating the thoughts in my head so perfectly.
Glad it was a helpful comment :-D
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