So the good news is that despite my stress over breaking food routines and those nasty disordered thoughts about regaining after some weight slippage, I went to the party Friday/Saturday and had a fantastic time. After so many weeks of being super stressed, I REALLY needed that release. It was with a great group of friends, someeone else was coordinating everything so I just had to go along and not worry, and overall it was so good for me. I think the distraction and change of scenery shook me out of this trough of pure stress/anxiety/sad that I've been wallowing in for weeks.
The bad news is that I get really acute cases of Drunk Munchies when I have more than a couple of drinks, and seeing as how I had . . . more than eight drinks (after that does the number even matter?), I also munched enough to leave me feeling super super guilty the next day. And the next day (today). This wasn't binge-scale eating at all, but a lot more than I'd planned on letting myself have (WHY was the taco truck parked outside the place that does double-size shots by default? I suppose the answer to that is clear, because we all ate tacos after doing shots, as you do, obv).
Even though intellectually I KNOW drinking a lot of alcohol causes water retention and can temporarily spike weight, I'm still really fucking stressed because I know I also had a ton of extra calories (the drinks plus the drunk snacks), and I can't stop myself from making plans for how long I'll have to restrict to make up for this. I hate the inside of my brain like whoa.
Speaking of the inside of my brain, H. and R. have convinced me to start on a low dosage of Prozac (fluoxetine) on Monday. We'll see how that goes. I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about it; I think I sort of feel every possible thing about it.
Also, H. was really rough on me in our last session and I still feel bruised and sort of want to avoid her next week. I've been so emotionally raw and tenuous after all the stress with my adviser that I don't think I was feeling strong enough for a "get kicked in the ass and get back on track" episode. I could tell she actually felt a little bad about that. Then she should learn when not to do that I suppose.
Also, in case anyone is concerned, yes I'm aware that 8+ drinks in one night is NOT a good idea, and that is NOT something I do regularly. This is not a chronic problem. I can go weeks and weeks without having any alcohol at all and it doesn't bother me, I rarely have more than two if I do drink (again, I hate that it increases my appetite, so maybe thank the ED for my typical restraint on this), and I specifically don't let myself have any when I feel like I "need" it because I'm stressed. Like I said, I think after a stretch of so much all-consuming anxiety and worry I just needed some release this weekend. And it felt good to be a normal 20-something having a birthday bash with a great group of friends. Anyway, just felt the need to issue the disclaimer that this is NOT a pattern.
Okay, off to do something productive for the rest of the weekend, love y'all.
1 comment:
I'm glad you were able to take the trip, but I'm sorry your brain freaked out about it later. Have things gotten any better? Tell your brain to be quiet and just let you relax! I know that's easier said than done. Also, I want to reassure you that one night (or two, or whatever) of "extra" calories (and don't even get me started on the fallacy of "extra" calories) will not do anything to you. I also know you've mentioned that the scale has slipped a bit, and it needs to go the other direction. Just putting that out there.
I hope the Prozac starts helping. Do you have H this week? I'm glad she could sense that she was pushing too hard. Hopefully you guys can talk it out and she can provide more of what you need right now. Hang in there, friend, you're doing awesome! :)
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