Familiar Thoughts

I think the extreme amount of stress I've had over the last few weeks is starting to edge me back down the rabbit hole a bit. I've shed some pounds since I left Match City, despite keeping up with my baseline food intake. In Match City we do splurgey eating out days at least once or twice a week, so that's probably a factor, and I am a bit less active there despite still being militant about the gym. Alone in my apartment in PhD Town, there is no one to see or guilt me for spending an extra hour working out, or for insisting on walking everywhere instead of driving.

And I'm starting to get a little scared yet exhausted by the all-too-familiar nigglings in my brain: Oh, you've gotten down to X weight again, well of course you can't "ruin" that now by regaining any, in fact maybe you should tighten up a few things in order to make sure that doesn't happen . . . the slippery slope to hell, of course.

Thanks to those who commented on my last post with their experiences/insights about SSRIs. I have a session with H. in 22 minutes to discuss that; I know she's going to push for it. R. already called in the prescription so I can pick it up any time if I want to. I am starting to wonder, though, if it wise to make a decision about that during what is an extraordinarily stressful period that is (hopefully) temporary. I don't know. I don't know anything.

I miss Match; I don't unwind or stop my stress spiraling nearly as effectively when we're not together.

Finally, going to the nearest Big City with a big group of friends for a birthday party bash this weekend. We're squeezing a bunch of people into two hotel rooms, doing a nice dinner and "Bike Bar Tour" and then dancing . . . I REALLY need the distraction right now. But although a month or two ago I could totally have handled having a couple of "vacation days" from food rules and exercise, right now it's really anxiety-provoking. We'll see, I guess.