So remember that time that I caught a random middle-aged guy looking me over in the gym? Okay, not that atypical for anything young and female in a gym.
But remember that time when that random middle-aged guy at the gym looked me over, then later approached me while I was on the exercise bike and asked me if I had an eating disorder? And recommended that I should get some religion to help me out with that and oh by the way he's a pastor at XYZ Church and don't I know what I'm doing is a sin?
Yeah, that time was this morning, and boy was it awkward.
I appreciate awareness about EDs, but I don't know if accusing people of sinning for having a disease really counts.
Despite my blustered denials to God's Guilt Messenger at the gym, I'm starting to get so fucking frustrated with myself (from a secular standpoint, he can take his sin-slinging and shove it) and am really wondering if I just don't have what it takes to go the distance.
Besides the exercise consuming my life again and eating not being stellar, other things are actually going okay, I promise to write about them at some point.
5 comments:
I wouldn't have had what it takes to do it alone, and you've been kinda doing this alone for forever... a few appointments here and there, a little contact with professionals in between appointments if any... I know money and time are issues, and I don't say this to shame you, rather, I say this to try to not compare yourself to others who have "gone the distance." So, let me just say that I consider myself recovered now but in order to get there not only did I go into residential/php treatment for about 8 months, i also have talked to my RD every week for years AND emailed her EVERY NIGHT for years AND followed my residential discharge meal plan to the T for about 1.5 years in order to stop calorie counting before trying to intuitively eat. So, while, yes, I did go the distance... I also made followign my meal plan and exercise plan and doing recovery assignments kind of my only and most important job for a while... and I did it with TONS of support and TONS of checking in with my therapist (I left her at least one voice mail a day, seriously, no joke) and with my dietitian... and with some friends. I think getting frustrated with yourself could be a good thing. You definitely have what it takes. Sometimes what it takes is allowing "recovery" to take up more of your life and allowing more support to enter the picture. I certainly couldn't have done it without frequent communication with therapist, dietitian, friends and frequent sessions and intensive treatment.
Oh wow, I've had people make some pretty obnoxious comments to me about my ED, but I think your gym buddy takes the cake. How incredibly rude - to force religion unsolicited on a stranger is inappropriate in any context, but twisting religion to shame someone for having an illness has got to be about as low as you can get. Shame on him and I'm sorry you had to put up with that.
I also have to agree with what Laura said above - you really have been going it alone for a long time, and I'm sure that a more structured support system/treatment team (the right one, of course) could be really beneficial for you. It's not fair to expect yourself to beat an illness that 99.9% of people can't without a huge amount of outside help. At the same time, I know how hard it is to give up "real life" (or even just parts of it) to pursue recovery, and I won't pretend to know what's best for you. Just sending lots of love and support and encouragement because you've come SO far and I know you can beat this.
Is this the gym that is where your Church used to be? If so I really hope that you replied "I did go to Church but then they built this gym in its place so it seemed easier to come here instead."
But in all seriousness I cannot believe that anyone, let alone a pastor who is supposed to have sensitivity towards people and their struggles, would say something so horrendously thoughtless. I'm sorry you had to deal with his stupidity.
I also want to echo the comments that other people have left about how you are showing incredible strength by continue to fight even though you're dealing with this almost entirely on your own. You definitely have what it takes to go the distance.
That sounds like a terrible experience with the guy at the gym. How inappropriate! He clearly needs a lesson in how EDs really are diseases, not sins.
I'm sorry it's been a struggle with the eating and working out. I tend to agree with the other comments that a bit more structure might help. At least some accountability in some form. You're so amazing at going after goals and working hard to achieve them, I know you can do this! But having all available tools might be really helpful. I know you're in a transition stage geographically, etc., so maybe until you can get solidly connected with a team again, you could try to follow mealplans/exercise plans that you had previously worked out with the dietish? Just a thought. I have complete faith in you that you really can do this. Hang in there, and hit me up if you want to chat!
I want to punch that pastor in the face...and I think D would hold him down so I could do it if I told him this story!! Don't let this man represent God to you, because in this instance, he was wrong! God's attitude towards us is ALWAYS love...and God's response to our pain and struggles is EVEN MORE LOVE. He understands the pain...He does not judge us for having it. I'm so sorry that you were hurt in this way by this man's attempt to help (that is what I can assume it was meant to be, even though he used a very misguided method!!) I hope you can still feel the sentiment of being noticed, cared for, "seen" by God in spite of a really crappy messenger! Just view it as a grumpy UPS man bringing you a package that you are really excited about from Amazon. The source wasn't bad...it was the messenger! :/ I do feel a great deal of pain for you though and I am so, so hurt and angered that you had this experience.
Post a Comment