Randoms:
--It sucks to be broke, but the fact that Amazon offers a lot of classic books free for the Kindle means that I've been more motivated to avail myself of some of the titles I've always meant to read. I have about a year's worth of Austen, Dickens, and Dostoyevsky downloaded at the moment. Woot for culture.
--One of my least favorite ED things is that I can't enjoy a lot of physical contact with people that I love because I'm paranoid that they're "body checking" me for ribs, arm size, etc to spy on how my weight is doing. I'm actually a pretty affectionate, cuddly person, and I hate it when stupid ED thoughts/symptoms mar that. Does anyone else physically withdraw for this reason too, or am I unique in that eccentricity?
--The US women's soccer team kicks off their Olympics today (yes, before the opening ceremonies, go figure), heading off against France at noon EDT! I have such a huge girlcrush on Hope Solo, and Abby Wambach is about as badass as they come.
--One of my goals for the next two weeks is to finally master driving a stick shift. I know the principles and can sort of go through the motions of doing it, but with absolutely no degree of skill or finesse. This is the only homework my PhD adviser gave me for the summer, since all of the field vehicles in my research country have manual transmissions. Here's to hoping I don't ruin my mom's new car...
--H. has helped me to brainstorm some treatment options and I sent inquiries to two clinics about an hour from where I'll be living soon. One major constraint that I haven't mentioned is that my PhD university is in a pretty small college town, and the resources within that town are essentially nil. The grad student health plan provides NO outpatient mental health benefits. And the campus counseling center limits you to 4 sessions before "referring you to the community". Yes, I've done my homework, but none of the results are encouraging. Because I have no health benefits for it and have less than zero disposable income, my ability to get treatment even at one of these places 1-2 hours away is contingent upon them providing services on a sliding fee scale. Fingers crossed I guess.
--I actually swallowed my pride and asked H. if she could do phone/Skype/email sessions with me. She said she honestly would like to but is so overbooked right now that she didn't think she could do an adequate job with it. I was really hoping for a distance-treatment option since I'm going to be out of the country for 6 months out of every year through 2015. Oh well.
--I really hate that I haven't been able to lift weights much this summer. I know it's yet another exercise routine, but it made me feel great, decreased my propensity to freak out about gaining weight, and was helping me scale back on the heavy cardio. I've joined a gym here that has great equipment, but it is really crowded with redneck guys all the time, and I'm way self conscious. I didn't really let that get to me when I was a member of Gold's, despite all the meatheads there, I'm not sure what the difference is. Well, I have a suspicion that part of it is that I just look even more ridiculous to them at my current weight. I actually am unhappy with how my body looks right now and wish it was back to how it was before I moved. But that wish and putting weight gain into action are oddly disconnected. Work in progress. I think I'm going to add some calories today, really going to try to follow through. I have actually been eating my norm/baseline for most of the time I've been here, but the increased exercise in the summer heat is just sapping me.
--I've officially burned out on all of my summer songs. Any recommendations for something new that you love?
--I'm going on a road trip this weekend to see one of my best friends from high school; leaving Saturday and coming home Tuesday (it's an 8.5 hour drive each direction). I LOVE this girl and really, really want to try to clamp down on the exercise anxiety and just pretend to be a normal person for a few days.
--Recommended reading: A Desert Beyond Fear, from the New York Times blog chronicling experiences with anxiety. Clip:
"Fear is noisy, and it takes up a lot of space. Very little else — including matters of great importance — can break through. But at times, I can sit long enough to quiet the din of fear. When I do, in the part of my gut that is often churning with anxiety, I know that those“risky” decisions are the only things that do keep my world from flying apart."
***By the way, to the person that left a comment on the last post but requested that I not publish it, I'd love to send you an email as you suggested but couldn't find a Blogger profile for you with contact information. If you'd like, just leave another comment (I won't publish it) or shoot me an email with your contact info.
Okay, I'm off to try to be productive so I can justify watching the soccer game in an hour. Love y'all.
4 comments:
Enjoy the game! I don't have cable in my apartment this summer and I'm just sick over the fact that I won't be able to watch the Olympics. Oh well, hopefully most of the big stuff will be online.
That's really great that you were able to ask H for support, even if she isn't able to offer it right now. You're taking control of your health and recovery, which is huge. Just wish there was something that could be done now, in the moment, to get you to a stronger and safer place before you head to Ph.D. City. I really hope you are able to add the calories today, your body needs them!
if your tuition and stipend are paid by the schl/federal grants, you might have some flexibility w/taking out federal loans to pay for health ins. kinda messed up that your schl ins gets away w/not paying for mental health, and I'm really not at all fluent in the changing health laws/what you'd be eligible for as an individual. my undergrad alma mater has group health ins options for alums who are students (or between jobs) which is something I'd considered doing when the ins provided by grad schl wasn't great. still doesn't solve problem of proximity though... might be an option tho. when's the move to phd town?
Do you know how happy it makes me to know that you are looking into more supportive treatment options! So happy!
I was thinking about you this afternoon when I was driving, and I was thinking about how, now, you say that you sort of wish you had just "bit the bullet" and gone IP in high school. I then wondered if, 10 years from now, you'll be saying, "I wish I had just bit the bullet and gone IP before doctorate school." I guess my point is that IP tends to only seem like a good idea in hindsight, so just something to think about.
Like, Kaylee said, what can be done right now in the meantime? Would it possibly be helpful to e-mail "check ins" with me throughout the day? or blog about little accomplishments like added calories and reduced exercise?
Was seeing your friends doing so well really inspiring to you? seems like there's been an increase in the degree to which you're taking your own recovery seriously (or, rather, giving it the attention it deserves).
Yeah, I am also proud of you for looking into more supportive treatment options!! I'm bummed that H couldn't give it to you, but keep trying...there has to be more out there. If you need it, it's okay to get away from your current life plan to get it!!
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